tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84556252833479385202024-03-05T21:32:54.755-08:00for viennea compilation of a grieving mother's thoughts & memoriesFor Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.comBlogger182125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-90357004807756051752016-05-17T07:32:00.000-07:002016-05-17T07:32:03.466-07:00The Weird Day (a Mark post)<div style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">
For three years, eight months and eight days I've been wondering what today would feel like. Today is the day that Ivy is the same age as Vienne was when she died. Today is the last day in a chapter of what I have often described as life in the twilight zone. Today is the end of being on repeat. Granted, there have been a myriad of differences in raising Ivy. In truth, life could not be more different. Ivy has two grieving parents, different parents than Vienne had, we live in a different house, I have different work, Ivy hasn't had a baby sister. </div>
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But the general thing is that I've been a dad for over eight years and yet have one darling four year-old at home. What happened to the other four years? They are there in photos, videos, crafts with Vienne's name on them and even tattoos on our bodies but those years are ghostly just the same.</div>
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Imagine you're 19 again. A lot has happened in the last few years. You got a drivers license, definitely had a few crushes, maybe fell in love a time or two, did senior year in high school with sports and proms, graduated and probably moved out of home to a strange place called college. Now God comes to you one day and says, "Oops, you're really only 15 and I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you back a little." And there you go. Fifteen again but with all these memories and experiences that will start to feel almost as if they belonged to someone else. Luckily (in this story) God's not perfect and there are other people that get sent back from time to time so you occasionally find someone who get's your confusion from their own context. But it's rare and no one's experience can be likened unto the other. You are misfits and odd ones now. And if you talk too much about your experience people start to look at you funny and avoid you.</div>
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When you're a teenager, losing 4 years is a quarter of your life, it's a big deal. I lost a little person, my very best fried, as if those four plus years were roughly carved out and placed somewhere I can see but not visit or touch. </div>
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I guess you can go back to past posts to really get how much time Vienne and I got to spend together. I was a lucky dad. The last 1,347 days have been spent regrowing that relationship with Ivy now. She is my best friend the same way her sister was, maybe even more if that's possible. Let me confirm for the thick-headed that Ivy is not a replacement, she is her own wonder, my precious 2nd daughter. We compare Ivy's antics to Vienne's the same way any parent wonders in awe at the mysterious similarities and differences in their children. The only difference is Ivy doesn't have a big sister to watch lead the way.</div>
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Anyway, that missing chunk of time will always be there. When Ivy is 20, I will have been a dad for 24 years. When she is 38, I will have been a dad for 42 years. Simple math. They are twilight zone years. They existed, but the person who made them most real is not with me anymore. Some parents go crazy trying to keep a firm grip on what is lost. Some parents cannot stop grasping. Here's my trick, while I cannot cling to those years in a death grip, I can still carry them with me. Sometimes I hold them like an infant, close to my chest. Sometimes I hold them with one arm on my hip, sometimes in a pack on my back but they are always with me. If I carry them loosely like this, I don't turn them into something they're not and I can remember those years with my firstborn without always losing my shit. </div>
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But today (or <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_551528844" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">tomorrow</span></span> depending on how you look at it) is a transition day, a sort of reconciliation and a new start, a new adventure. <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_551528845" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Tomorrow</span></span> I will be father to the oldest daughter I've ever had in my whole life.</div>
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I thought this would be easier to write but the words seem to come out a little crazy. Don't have me committed yet, I've got new adventures to start with Ivy.</div>
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*Disclaimer: I'm not overly mathematically inclined or superstitious on the timing of this day so if someone does a detailed calendar review and finds I missed a leap year day or something, it's okay if you keep that to yourself. Gracias.</div>
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For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-2360941807074655042015-05-03T14:49:00.001-07:002015-05-03T14:49:44.926-07:00Vienne's 7th BirthdayThis past Friday, May 1st, we "celebrated" what would've been Vienne's 7th Birthday. This year was harder for me, leading up to it. I had a very sensitive and emotional month. There are just so many reminders that she is not here, during this season. In April, we have Miriam's birthday (our niece), my birthday, and Easter…all while planning and anticipating Vienne's coming birthday…and then Mother's Day the week after. <div>
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I just wanted to be planning a normal 7 year old little girl's party. As I was planning this event, I found myself wondering what Vienne would be in to, now…for certainly it could no longer be dinosaurs. Sometimes, I find myself tired of the dinosaurs because I know that if she was alive, she would be onto something new. Who would her friends be? What color cake would she have wanted?</div>
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This year, I focused more on a hydrangea theme for Vienne's party. I felt that was more suitable for a 7 year old little girl. The decorations turned out lovely. I don't have many photos from the park because once people arrive, I am swept up in the flurry of greeting and hugging everyone. I love it and I hate it. It is extremely overwhelming for me…but, of course, at the same time I want all those people there and I want to see them. I wish I had a photo of myself in the lovely dress that I found - a vintage garden party dress with flowers in blues and greens. It was so reminiscent of Vienne and her style. Ivy wore a blue little dress that was her Sister's. Ivy kept asking if Sissy was going to come down from Heaven for her party. :(</div>
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It is the 3rd year we have celebrated without her and as time goes on, I can see how this event will become less important to others…but for us, this is the most important event of the year. For some, I saw how it was almost an obligation to come - bummer….but for others, the new people we included in the invite, we saw a renewed excitement and that was refreshing. We will carry this tradition on for the rest of our lives. </div>
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We met at Summerlake Park this year - another one of V's favorites. It was yet again another beautiful sunny day, just for her. We had 75 people turn out this year! </div>
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(I challenged myself to make blue and green hydrangea cupcakes. I am pretty damn proud of how they turned out!)</div>
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part of the table set up</div>
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isn't this lovely? Check out that awesome hydrangea paper I scored at an art store!</div>
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true to Portland-style - we provided a selection of grain free, gluten free, or vegan cupcakes. Cuz that's how we roll.</div>
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Vienne's buddies had to try some bites.</div>
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hidden dinos</div>
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in the evening, we had a picnic dinner with family at Vienne's other park - the one with the bench plaque.</div>
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eating pizza in V's all-time favorite shirt!</div>
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frisbee!</div>
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then, the next day we drove to Cannon Beach and spent the entire day playing in the sand and sun. It was a perfect day.</div>
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Miri and Ivy playing in the sand. </div>
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horses on the beach!</div>
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I love photos of Daddy and Daughter walking together. And, I love those little bunzers.</div>
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(do you see a resemblance?? heheh…these are Vienne's buns) :)</div>
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That's about it. Did any of you celebrate May Day for Vienne this year?</div>
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For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-90352774316463569522015-04-26T21:53:00.000-07:002015-04-26T21:53:16.602-07:00"Her Favorite Color Was Green" ~ a post by Mark<div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.428571em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">
Here is another guest post by my highly gifted writer of a husband ~</div>
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There's this song that was shared with us shortly after losing Vienne. "Her Favorite Color Was Green" by David M Bailey. You have to listen to it to understand how perfect it is for Vienne.</div>
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<a href="http://www.davidmbailey.com/?section=music-175" target="_blank">(Click here to listen to the song)</a><br />
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It's perfect, right? Every time I hear this song, I cry. I imagine any father who has believed in Jesus and lost a daughter who's favorite color was green reacts similarly. It's odd to consider this woe begotten, unknown brotherhood I'm in. We don't know each other and yet we share this singularly powerful experience. Knowing other fathers exist for which this song brings such strong emotion; well, it gets a little less lonely for a bit.</div>
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There is a line in the song, "I wanted to ask God the reason but I asked him what now instead". I don't know if you have to lose a child to understand what a salient point this is. It effectively divides those who would share grief into two camps from early on. Those that seek reasons are already looking for healing, for a way to address this problem of pain in loss and re-engage with the world. Typically, this is the accepted and expected way of dealing with grief. But it is not the only way and, dare I say, not the right one. </div>
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"What now?" is what came more quickly to me by default. There was, there is, no reason I'd agree with for not having Vienne in my life. Were the reason to fall from the lips of Jesus himself, I would remain violently unsatisfied. If that sounds like sacrilege to you, you have my apologies but we accept things without agreeing to them every day. "What now?"; embraces the change that has happened. This mindscape reflexively accepts that life will never be the same again and there is no going back. It embraces the pain as the pain is so great that the only other alternatives are trying to minimize it (reasons) or losing yourself to it (depression, addiction, suicide). Unlike a broken relationship or an addiction, nothing can be done that provides restoration, not of self or 'the way things were'. </div>
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The primary difference between the reason seekers and the what now's is the acceptance of the unknown. </div>
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To summarize a very, very long conversation; we believe Vienne is joyful in heaven with Jesus. We believe that by having faith in Jesus we may see her again. We believe that having faith in Jesus results in working to follow the tenets of his teachings; showing others kindness, love and grace. We want to raise Ivy this way too. Frankly, everything else is up for grabs.</div>
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We want Ivy to also 'swim in an ocean of laughter' and to 'dance in a desert of grace'; and she does.</div>
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What's now for us this year is that we're trying to re-engage with people. We aren't fixed, we are well enough. We are trying really hard to have patience when we feel expectations from others to be a certain way (especially spiritually) but we also want to be honest. It can be a lonely place and we deeply appreciate those that have chosen to stay close without expectation, without judgment, but out of love. Thank you. We are broken but we are functional and not entirely messed up if Ivy can be seen as a product of our new lives.</div>
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I write this approaching Vienne's 7th birthday. This song paints a picture of the joy Vienne may be experiencing and what I want to remember her for on her birthday. The verse that gets me to well up every single time is this, "I set her a place at my table and man, you should see that girl eat". God's table must be filled with mac 'n cheese, french fries and goldfish crackers because otherwise V tended to peck at her food rather than inhale it as Ivy is sometimes prone to do. Vienne is happy, Ivy is happy; that's what carries us on.<br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em; text-decoration: underline;">Full Lyrics to Her Favorite Color Was Green:</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Her favorite color was green</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">That's about all that I know</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Except she knew the Lord Loved her -</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">her Bible told her so.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">She swam in an ocean of laughter</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">She danced in a desert of grace</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">The way she loved those around her</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Was written all over her face</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">I was there the morning she left us</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">I heard every tear that was shed</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">I wanted to ask God the reason</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">But I asked him what now instead</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">What now, God would you have us say?</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">What now, God would you have us do?</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Wasn't it clear she was faithful?</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Wasn't that enough for you?</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">God said, how could you ask such a question? Surely the answer is clear?</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Do I have to paint you a picture?</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Is it not enough I am here?</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">I said God, that's not what I meant</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">But she was just too young to die</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">God said I know what you mean - Remember I watched my son cry</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">I said yes, but at least your boy is with you</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">God said right, and now so is she</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">I set her a place at my table</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">and man, you should see that girl eat</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">In fact, I wish you could see her smiling</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">then you'd know she feels right at home</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">She's been telling the angels about you</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Just so you won't feel alone</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Her favorite color was green</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">That's my favorite too</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">She's already sliding down rainbows</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 1.428571em;">Right between yellow and blue</span></div>
For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-76754963831193972932015-03-13T17:28:00.000-07:002015-03-29T14:23:02.642-07:00A faith shattered**(I am starting to try to organize some old posts that were half-written and never published to the blog. Bear with me as my thoughts are scattered. A handful of posts might be coming out, solely focused on spiritual stuff and wrestlings. Things I have not known how to get out of my head with eloquence. But I am starting to roll up my sleeves and at least attempt to put some words to my thoughts and frustrations. Here's just a small snippet….something I jotted down a while ago.)**<br />
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We all know that my husband and I have suffered an unimaginable loss. Absolutely, the worst kind of loss there is. I'm sure that everyone can agree with that. <br />
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It was once pointed out to me that I have also suffered another kind of tragic loss after Vienne passed away. My faith. <br />
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Well, I guess I am not going to go so far as to say that my faith is completely lost…but it is most certainly shattered. If you know me, then you know that I had always been a very strong and convicted believer in Jesus Christ. I've never followed any denomination. I've never related to "religiosity". But I had always had a firmly rooted faith. My faith was what I based many of my decisions and choices, opinions and convictions, my parenting style and lifestyle…etc. on. I had never agreed with a "shove Jesus in your face" kind of Christianity. Yuck. But, I maintained my strong beliefs and enjoyed any conversation on the topic if anyone else was mutually interested. I believe I had a personal relationship with Jesus and I gladly introduced Vienne to the Jesus I once knew. <br />
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This was my foundation…for most of my life. I unwaveringly developed myself around this faith. So, all that to say, for this foundation of faith to be shattered…I agree with the suggestion that this should be counted as another significant kind of loss. (*and to other bereaved parents, I am not trying to say that my loss is more intense than yours. We all know that it is all relevant to our own personal lives and experiences.) I have a hard time admitting things like this because I hate sounding so "woe is me".<br />
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This is where I currently stand on God and Jesus….<br />
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I do believe in God. I do believe that He is the only God and I do believe in His Son, Jesus Christ. I do believe they are one in the same, yet separate. (That one is difficult to explain to those who haven't been raised with this belief: The way I was taught was to think about how you are a mother as well as a daughter…or a Dad as well as a friend. You are two different people in those roles, yet still the same 1 person. That's how I've seen it, anyway. Yes, it's a little weird and sometimes I still can't wrap my brain around it if I try to think too hard.)<br />
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What has changed for me now…is that I do not <i>like</i> God anymore…or right now, at least. I do not want to worship Him. I do not thank Him for my circumstances. I do not agree with His choices. I do not believe that He is entirely "good" in our human understanding of "goodness". I don't, however, have a beef with Jesus, for some reason. I know that sounds odd. I can't really explain it. Jesus is more personable to me. I admire the Man that He was, here on earth. But God makes me angry…makes me cringe. I believe in Him…but I do not like Him. <br />
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I don't fully understand, anymore, if He is fully in control of all things, here on earth…or not. I have a VERY difficult time, now, understanding that an "all-powerful" and loving God would allow sooooo much ugliness and hurt and horror and tragedy on this earth. I feel like more prayers against those horrors in our world go unanswered than answered. Meaning, I see more tragedies than miracles. The only question I have come to from this perspective, now, is that maybe He has more power on His side of Heaven than on this one? On the earth side? Because <i>why</i>?? Otherwise, <i>why</i>?? I have a hard time wanting to worship a God that could intervene but rarely does. I don't like that. So, I almost want to resolve that….maybe He just can't.<br />
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How to reconcile all of this?? I have no clue.<br />
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(I think I'll tackle the topic of prayer and religion in another post….so many thoughts)<br />
<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-60568177460057989752015-03-06T16:56:00.000-08:002015-03-10T19:16:40.666-07:002.5 yearsMarch 6, 2015. Today it has been 2 1/2 years since she's been gone.<br />
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Sometime, I sit and ponder about where we would be in life if Vienne were still here. …<i>"where would we be?"…."what would she look like?"….:what would she be interested in now?"</i>…etc. It is still so mind-boggling how quickly your life can change…how it can so easily be snatched away from you. <br />
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<i><b>**Never take your life for granted!!**</b></i><br />
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I had a conversation with someone a while back about the differences between siblings. This person was sharing how they realized that they are different parents to the second child than they were to the first. The second time around your attention is now divided: you can't give as much one-on-one attention to the second as you could when you just had one. You are more relaxed and less cautious or paranoid as you were the first time around…you have to be. You have to let certain things go. …Thus you are a bit of a different parent. And, therefore your two children turn out differently (that mixed in combination with their specific traits and characteristics. Nature+Nurture). It was interesting to me as I started to think about our two girls. How more similar to each other they are, than dissimilar. And, this conversation seemed to point out why. We are back to having an only child again. Since we liked the way we did things the first time around, we do them the same with Ivy. Our attention is not divided, though, and so she gets all of us…we do things the same and our attention is the same as it was for Vienne. I think that, in conjunction with Ivy's obvious nature to be gentle and cautious and fun and creative, insightful and sensitive, meticulous and clean…has made her to turn out to be very much like her sister.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7rOAtNvXJ3vLAJF1HxWP8QLfRzu_MhX-tqyeadVi_BrNxX3mRT32YhiUObjX61bA7RD08qWWvAtuOYTCbafBW8tLEBb-gNL8w7TYabcDD2DdWPmfqmHVitGQSrq_mHvvLc_jxBhNMaH2V/s1600/IMG_4776.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7rOAtNvXJ3vLAJF1HxWP8QLfRzu_MhX-tqyeadVi_BrNxX3mRT32YhiUObjX61bA7RD08qWWvAtuOYTCbafBW8tLEBb-gNL8w7TYabcDD2DdWPmfqmHVitGQSrq_mHvvLc_jxBhNMaH2V/s1600/IMG_4776.JPG" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i>{Top: Vienne about 22 months. Bottom: Ivy about 2 1/2}</i></div>
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I watch Ivy every day and I just see Vienne more and more. In most ways it is a gift, yes. I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I find myself even wanting Ivy to like things that Vienne liked. But, then at the same time I am slightly irritated by it…as if it were God saying to me "see….I gave you Vienne back…just in a different, yet similar form". Yeah, I don't like that. I know that's not the case…but it's just the irrationality that runs through my head and makes me angry. Nothing could ever excuse how Vienne was allowed to be taken from me. <i>Nothing</i>.<br />
But, Ivy certainly does things in ways that reflect her Sister. She has her own unique preferences, of course, her "way" about her is what is most pronounced to us. Her demeanor, her sensitivity, her eagerness to please, her joy and imagination, the way she says "fligilator"!….etc.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ2Xj_uVILKn0EpcBER45Fv0LiGlA_uAjMjLiUEq6alAx1cQ0L3WTZO0mXt5X_aDCLMgMafvaecaVErLmLj5TlQ-37bayWg-54ScZLwfGjMYRMPd4l9S5L9YZaCye_DfPz6g5BpW4JcI67/s1600/IMG_5303.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ2Xj_uVILKn0EpcBER45Fv0LiGlA_uAjMjLiUEq6alAx1cQ0L3WTZO0mXt5X_aDCLMgMafvaecaVErLmLj5TlQ-37bayWg-54ScZLwfGjMYRMPd4l9S5L9YZaCye_DfPz6g5BpW4JcI67/s1600/IMG_5303.JPG" height="400" width="306" /></a></div>
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<i>{Ivy - her hands so patient and waiting to blow out her birthday candles}</i></div>
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<i>{Ivy daintily eating a birthday treat. Her outfit looks silly because the shirt was a gift that she had just opened and loved so much that she put on over her bday outfit!}</i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQH2LujaoC-v7YfMLAdlMXf4BpQifuEIL0c0RHFqTJQ5i4G6RumMFze4VWlxoyS1EpI0eKlzQca_4T7iAW-Bm34EJ3x6fkN2vgJtK8ztre3KMlioqjqXx2rlyjyPQH9a9BkoxmMaDJb7U-/s1600/IMG_5396.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQH2LujaoC-v7YfMLAdlMXf4BpQifuEIL0c0RHFqTJQ5i4G6RumMFze4VWlxoyS1EpI0eKlzQca_4T7iAW-Bm34EJ3x6fkN2vgJtK8ztre3KMlioqjqXx2rlyjyPQH9a9BkoxmMaDJb7U-/s1600/IMG_5396.JPG" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i>{Creative, gentle, and sweet. These critters on her arms are 2 of her buddies. When I put this shirt on her, she got very excited about the straps that hold up the rolled sleeves. She exclaimed: "I can carry my buddies in these!!". Silly Doodle.}</i></div>
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<i>{proudly wearing Sissy's boots. What a treasure.}</i></div>
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Looking at Ivy and how she carries Vienne's traits so closely to herself, I oftentimes wonder <i>"what if?"</i>. What if Vienne were still here? What would Ivy be like, then? What would Vienne be into? What would she like right now? What would be her new favorite movie? What would she like to play with? What things would interest her? What areas would she be excelling in, in school? Would she finally be interested in academic-type subjects? Would she be artistic? What would it be like to watch both of my girls dancing around the living room and singing <i>"Let it Go"</i>? And, what would Ivy be like? Would she be as gentle? Or would she be tougher because she'd have to vy for our attention…and share with her big sister? Would she be as meticulous and orderly? …etc.<br />
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<i>{Left: Vienne age 2. Right: Ivy age 3}</i></div>
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<i>If Vienne were still alive…</i><br />
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~ We would've stayed longer in the townhouse that we loved…until we needed more space. Maybe the girls would've shared Vienne's bedroom until we moved.<br />
~Mark would've continued pursuing establishing his Portland presence in residential Real Estate. Real Estate is Mark's career of choice and what he did in Cannon Beach. We had to leave it and the house we were buying when the economy turned in 2010. He took a position at a heating and cooling company in the Pdx area, to provide for us. After 2 yrs of doing that, he was pursuing real estate again, on the side - the summer that Vienne died. That all stopped abruptly when Vienne passed. How could he happily sell homes and put on that "face" after losing a child? He couldn't. <br />
~We would've eventually moved into a bigger rental and started saving to buy a home again. Instead, these past 2 1/2 years have just been about surviving…and now just trying to figure out what we are supposed to do with this life.<br />
~Vienne would've started 1st Grade this past fall! I was looking forward to enrolling her in a private school in the area. It fit so perfectly into our needs. The school is a "hybrid" school, blending the best of private school and homeschool. I always dreamt of homeschooling, though I quickly discovered that V wasn't all that interested in learning from me. I learned that she thrived with peers, an organized setting, and an "official" teacher to follow directions from. This hybrid school was perfect for both of our desires and needs. It runs 3 days a week (MWF) and then you supplement at home on the other 2 days. I could still be involved, but she could still get that socialization and orderly environment that she thrived off of. We are hoping to be able to send Ivy there.<br />
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<i>{me and my sweet Girl working on some preschool workbooks…a week before she passed}</i></div>
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~Ivy would probably not be so needy because she would have a constant best friend and playmate.<br />
~I know that the past few years would've had some experiences in more swim lessons and other extra curricular activities as well as an attempt at horse-riding lessons - Vienne's dream.<br />
~We would've continued going to play groups with friends. I would be more social.<br />
~I wouldn't have lost friends and my relationships would've continued to grow…instead of change as they have.<br />
~But, I also wouldn't have gained many new friends, like all of you.<br />
~I know I wouldn't have struggled with my health like I've been.<br />
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<i>Our life now…</i><br />
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~Ivy is our WORLD. I thrive off of her joy and the distraction that she constantly provides. She is all that I can care about right now.<br />
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~Mark is no longer managing the heating and cooling company….though he is not in residential real estate either. Last March, he joined a commercial real estate firm in downtown Portland. Commercial real estate is an entirely different ball game from residential. Back when he was pursuing residential, he had no idea how different it would be from working residential real estate in Cannon Beach. You can make a career out of it there and still have a family life with residential real estate in CB. Not so much in PDX. I don't know if this commercial real estate opportunity would have come to him, though, if our lives were on that previous path. But, commercial real estate is a huge career opportunity and I am proud of him for getting into it. Of course, we would ALWAYS prefer the previous path. This is the bitter-sweetness to his new career path.<br />
<br />
~We have hopped around to two different homes, now since V passed….and we still are not settled in where we're permanently meant to be. I don't even know what or where that is. We spent the first year without V in a rental that was taken on immediately after she passed. My family found us a quick home because I could not return to ours after Vienne's tragedy. Unfortunately, it turned out to be the worst renting experience of our lives. And now, we are in a condo/apartment. We are back in the area we were in when Vienne was alive. We love this area. It is rich with memories of Vienne…which can be bitter sweet…but I am sooooo ready for a house and a yard.<br />
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~I struggle to care about much outside of my small little world of Mark and Ivy and our home.<br />
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~I thought this would make me more compassionate (and maybe it will one day) but I feel actually less compassionate. <br />
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~I still struggle with my health. Probably both mentally and physically. My anxiety has become much more manageable…though I have very limited ability in handling frustration. It is embarrassing to me. My tummy issues are still a battle - always trying to figure out what I can and cannot eat/tolerate. <br />
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~We have decided that we are not going to try to have any more children. Yes, after 2 years of giving this serious thought and consideration - we are in agreement. It is a difficult decision and I think we will always wonder which way was the best for us to go…but this is what we are sticking with. We have 2 daughters. We always will. I always only desired just 2 children. I never wanted an only child..so that makes this very hard. But, there are many reasons as to why this decision works best for us. To be frank and honest, I just don't think I can handle the stress and anxiety that comes with having another newborn and those first two years. As great of a mother as I am, I am not a huge fan of the baby stage. Shocking, I know. In knowing those things about myself, I just fear that I would not be the best mother that I could be if I took on another baby, right now. And, I am not getting younger. I turn 37 next month. It gets harder the older you get. And, I realize that all of these "reasons" are very me-centric…possibly selfish excuses…but this is the decision we feel most comfortable with. <br />
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2 1/2 years….so so so many more to go.<br />
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<i>{always just a family of 3…}</i></div>
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<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-81823780712321480252015-03-05T15:38:00.001-08:002015-03-05T15:39:16.402-08:00Have you heard this crazy story yet?This story will give you goosebumps.<br />
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I was set up for a coffee date to meet another local Mama who lost her little girl 12 years ago.<br />
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The only thing we knew about each other, going into our coffee date, were our girls' coincidentally similar names - Vienne and Vivienne. Little did we know, that that was just the beginning.<br />
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We very quickly learned that both of our precious daughters died from <i>viral myocarditis</i>….<i>on September 6th!!!!</i> Exactly a decade apart…Vivienne died exactly 10 years earlier, on Sept. 6, 2002.<br />
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Vienne was born on May 1st and Vivienne was born on May 31st… Vienne was 4 1/2 and Vivienne was 2 1/2. <br />
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…………………..<br />
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It is a crazy coincidental story. We have kept in touch. But, even though it was so similar…what do you do with that? Not much. Just another Mom who suffers as severely as I suffer. Now, even 12 years later, she is still trying to figure herself out…still trying to find peace and joy…still struggling. <br />
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So, there's that story.<br />
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<i>(oh, how I miss this beautiful face)</i></div>
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<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-83400815955966957332014-12-23T12:32:00.002-08:002014-12-23T12:33:19.202-08:00Hope<div style="border: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 13.63636302948px; line-height: 1.428571em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">
A guest post by Mark:</div>
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"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13</div>
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Love is easy. At least it's easy to grasp why this is the greatest. God loves us. He sent his Son Jesus who loves us. I love Jenny, Vienne and Ivy in ways that I don't fully comprehend; with a fierceness and dedication that defies explanation.</div>
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I grew up learning about faith. Believe, believe, believe. For awhile I believed because I was supposed to and then when I got a little older I had the opportunity to challenge my beliefs. I chose to continue believing in Jesus and his message. I learned to pray. I practiced praying. I believed I was a good Christian if I was continually communing with God. I believed in prayer and that God heard me. I still believe he hears me. </div>
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Hope. This word, spoken in a soft, fierce whisper. This word, echoing in my car as I shout it while hurtling down the highway. This word, hope, brings tears to my eyes. I never knew. I never really knew what it was to hope until Vienne died. I hope so much now that my body aches. I hope so deeply my bones vibrate with longing. </div>
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Here is the raw truth - for me faith & believe used to equal knowing. I can't say that anymore. Heaven always had this mythical quality that seemed like the setting for a fantasy novel. I hope in heaven now. <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: underline;" style="line-height: 1.428571em; text-decoration: underline;">And truly I say, my hope is drastically stronger than my belief ever was</span>. What does that mean? It means that I can't speak with the same confidence I used to about . . . well, pretty much anything. Vienne is gone. My daughter. No reasons. No explanations. Just gone. How can I possibly speak with confidence about anything but my hope, this new iron kernel of desire lodged in my throat that makes it nearly impossible to talk about.</div>
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So there it is. Love is the greatest but hope is what I live for. Hope is the smile on my face (as I am notorious for always smiling).</div>
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Hope for seeing Vienne again. Hope for Jenny and Ivy as well. Each day I hope for their peace, love and joy but each day is also a question mark. Each day is filled with doubt, wondering and some fear. So many times I look at my phone and am thankful it's not ringing because no news is good news. Hope is that I never have to live through a moment like losing Vienne again. And yet this is the life we live, this is the world we live in. Awful shit happens. Tragedy happens. If not directly to us there is our world of loved ones, there is always someone enduring. Not to oversimplify but it seems like every time I hear of something awful I believe less and am forced to hope more. </div>
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Here is the greatest hope of all: Jesus, please be true. I don't need answers if you are true.</div>
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I hope this Christmas is full of meaning for you. Caleb, our 8-year old godson, and one of Vienne's best friends, drew this just the other day and I think it sums things up pretty well:</div>
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For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-65180360408589774142014-09-30T14:44:00.000-07:002014-09-30T14:44:40.572-07:00September 2014I realize the only time that I ever feel compelled to write (in these current days) is when I am not doing so well. I don't want this blog to be a "woe is me, negative Nelly" outpouring…geesh, what a drag! But, I have to remind myself over and over that this blog is not for anyone but for me and for Vienne. And, during this stage of my grief journey, if I only feel compelled to write when I am down and struggling….well, then so be it. Right? No one has to read it anyway. I just need an outlet. Mostly because I don't open up and pour out to anyone these days.<br />
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So….all that to say….this September has been rough. Man, I was just not expecting it at all either. I mean, I know that the anniversary time is supposed to be hard but I figured that with my ability to find distraction and be numb that I would just breeze through this period. In reality, I've had hang ups left and right. Or so it seems. You know…when like 2 things go wrong, it really feels like everything is going wrong? Yeah, that's probably more close to the truth. But, I really have felt like there's been a struggle each week of this month.<br />
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Here's my pity list:<br />
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1. After all that awesome kickboxing that I boasted about in my last post…it all came to a stop with a neck injury from so much impact. Obviously, kickboxing and martial arts are about impact…even though we don't really "hit" each other, we do hit the bags and strike pads. The impact of my punches reverberated right down my arm to my neck and caused some pretty extreme pain. I tried seeing my chiropractor and getting a massage while still continuing in class…but it was only to my detriment. Things continued to get worse and worse until finally my doctor said that I need to take at least a month off to let my neck heal. Boo. The injury and the frustration were a literal pain in the neck! Pun intended!<br />
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2. Ivy had a cough for a month straight. We eventually thought it was allergy related asthma because it only occurred while she slept. We got her tested for all allergies only to receive clear results - no allergies. Good news….but frustrating as we never figured out what that was all about. The coughing has finally ceased…but it was a stressful and sleepless 4 weeks!<br />
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3. The week after the 2 year anniversary of Vienne's passing, I received some hugely terrible terrible tragic news. My sister in law, Kinsey (the one who takes all of our gorgeous photos) has a best girl friend named Davy. Davy has 2 beautiful little girls and has been drawn to me ever since I lost Vienne. She has been a dedicated follower of this blog and has written compassionate and heartfelt messages to me, from time to time. Having 2 girls whom she is so desperately in love with, she has struggled in imagining what I have gone through. Her heart has been severely broken for me. I have grown to love her as an internet friend. Well, all that to lead up to share this….Davy and her husband, Jake, received the most awful news regarding their younger daughter, Magnolia who is 3. Magnolia (Maggie) was diagnosed with inoperable terminal brain cancer and given 9-12 months to live. Oh I cannot even type it, still, without crying. Horrible awful unimaginable. My heart shattered for her. Over these past 2 years she has watched me go through her worst nightmare imaginable….and now she is starting to have to face it herself. I have been a wreck ever since I found out. You can follow their page to pray for Maggie on FB - "Pray for Magnolia". They are currently doing daily radiation sessions.<br />
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4. Then 2 weeks ago, I was scheduled to go on my church's women's retreat. My first solo time away in 3 whole years! Mark has been nudging and encouraging me to take some time away ever since I weaned Ivy. This was it. I was looking forward to a relaxing weekend of quiet time and sweet fellowship with ladies that I love. And a day before the retreat I started to get a fever…chills and sweats and aches…the whole thing. It would come and go and seem to be eased by ibuprofen so when Friday rolled around for the retreat, I thought I was in the clear to go. I went and stayed one miserable night, plowed through the day, and finally in a teeth-chattering full body shaking mess, gave in to logic and packed up and went home. The fever turned into something awful….that lasted 9 whole days! I came down with the strangest worst virus I have ever faced….but the doctors could not exactly name what it was. By Monday, my fever spiked to 104.6 and Mark had to take me to the ER - for a 9 hour stint. Blood tests and chest x-ray revealed nothing. But I had swollen lymph nodes, swollen salivary glands (on my cheeks, by my ears! WEIRD!), tight chest pain and difficulty breathing, a cough, no appetite, and of course the nasty fever that lasted 9 days. I was in bed for 6 days straight. Then after the fever broke and I started to recover, I developed a strange condition called ITP as a result of my viral infection. The ITP has to do with low platelet count (which I had) - causing bruising that covered my entire lower legs as well as pain and tenderness in my feet bones. It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. It took me a full week to recover and gain strength back. Thankfully, this week I am much much better and feeling like myself again. Phew!!<br />
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(this picture doesn't do the bruising justice…it was gross looking and each and every spot HURT. I had at first thought it was a rash until I realized how tender each one was and that they were browning, like a bruise. So bizarre!)</div>
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5. Relationships and friendships are hard and currently challenging. I'll leave it at that.<br />
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6. I decided to join a Grief Share group in lieu of counseling. My first session was last night. Man, it is going to be hard! It definitely drudges up emotions that I daily strive to keep buried. I spent the entire time just trying to keep my emotional shit together and not lose it. Of course, I am the only one who has lost a child. I've called around and could not even find a group with someone whose lost a child. That's how freaking rare it is!! The group is full of older people who have lost parents…or a spouse. So hard to relate to that. I didn't speak up much at all last night. But I did notice that the few times I did, there was certainly a hushed heaviness about the room. I think they all acknowledged the gravity of my loss. I mean, because come on….we're all going to lose our parents. It's inevitable. Of course it will be hard. I canNOT imagine losing my Mom. I will be devastated. But nothing will ever compare to losing a child. Ever. But I will keep going. At least these people know about loss…many of the counselors I've seen do not. We shall see how it goes. (And, we decided to just let me go alone because I think I might open up more with a group of strangers than if Mark is there and he doesn't feel quite ready to join.)<br />
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So. Yeah. That's been my shitty month. I think all of this has contributed to me being especially sensitive and weepy this whole month. If I am alone at night, I have been crying without fail, each time. Crying without stopping until I finally go to sleep….waking with puffy crusted eyes. That is so unlike me.<br />
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On a sweeter note to end this pathetic post, I want to share a beautiful gift that we received on the anniversary day. We have a close friend who is a professional artist - Donald Masterson (look him up - his work is fabulous). A year and a half ago, we had asked him if he would paint a picture of Vienne for us….using her ashes in the paint. It turned out to be the hardest piece of work he's ever done and that is why it took him so long. But I love knowing that this piece was painted through his tender tears…He was Uncle Donny to our Vienne. She loved him so.<br />
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Here is what he created. Isn't is wonderful?<br />
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(It is a re-creation of a piece that someone had found for us a year and a half ago. The original is the same Jesus holding a little girl who looked very similar to Vienne. We thought it would be special to have Vienne actually painted in her place. Donny obviously used Vienne's favorite colors. The whole piece is textured with her ashes. It measures about 24x30. It is signed "Uncle Donny" at the bottom.</div>
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We are not people who normally like religious artwork…<i>at all</i>…so it took me a day to grow used to it. But now I love it. We had decided to do this because we thought it would be good to have a visible reminder of where Vienne is and how safe she is…and I am very glad we did. I look at it and kiss her face each day.)</div>
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For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-67810880079318805782014-09-19T20:17:00.000-07:002014-09-19T20:19:00.751-07:00"Apple Bomb" ~ A Post From MarkMark sent this story to me a little over a week ago. It is a story of a sweet little game that he and Vienne came up with, during that last summer we had with her. He felt it would be fun to share. I agree. ;)<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;">At Vienne's Park, the one up a hill behind the Albertsons on Barrows up, Vienne and I invented a game called Apple Bomb on her last Sunday. Of the many fond memories created at this park, this is one of my favorite. I ran by here the other day and realized that rather than write pages about how I'm doing after 2 years of loss, I'd rather just share Apple Bomb.</span></div>
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First, find an apple tree that is dropping apples for which you won't get chased for picking up. It will be beneficial if this apple tree is located in a park that is not overly attended and has a relatively large grassy area. It will be even better if this grassy area is somewhat firm ground, soft and squishy grass will present challenges.</div>
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Now grab a fallen apple, one that allows a firm grip but will not squish in your hand. </div>
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Line up with your co-game player. </div>
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On the count of three (the youngest person has to count to three and shout Gooooo!) you throw the apple as high as you can, adding some little distance to the arc.</div>
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At this stage you have a decision on which way to play. Vienne preferred to wait for the apple to land before chasing it down. More adventurous players can run as soon as the apple is thrown however this introduces the caveat that all players understand the rules of 'red light, green light' as they may be required to stop suddenly depending on where the apple seems to be landing. The oldest person is responsible for shouting 'red light!' if runners and falling apples appear to be on imminent collision. An apple, even a soft one, really hurts when falling a any distance and landing on ones head.</div>
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Now, presumably, the apple has landed and (hopefully) exploded. </div>
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It is time to engage in the science and learning portion of this game.</div>
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The first player to the apple has to find something interesting to observe and point out. </div>
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The second player must find something as well but it can't be anything mentioned during any previous throws of the games session.</div>
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Be creative, your observation can be as varied as noticing the odd shape of one particular apple chunk, like finding shapes in clouds. In most of the games Vienne and I played outside, I tried to teach her how to observe the world around her. By watching, by wondering, by engaging; a kid will never be bored. </div>
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If there are still big chunks of the apple that have exploding potential, feel free to continue throwing until said potential has evaporated.</div>
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Then go get another apple and continue the cycle until the throwers arm is about to fall off.</div>
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Vienne and I played this for at least an hour that Sunday morning when we should have been at church but it was just too nice a morning. I can still hear her voice shouting, "Gooooooo", my signal to throw. She would be standing in a runners start pose and as soon as the apple landed her little legs would churn the grass. </div>
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I remember feeling a little bad about the mess we made but I taught Vienne about how birds would come eat and spread apple seeds all over our neighborhood for new apple trees to grow . . . . so all good stuff. </div>
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I think we even brought Jenny & Ivy back that afternoon for a few more throws. I naturally overdid it and could barely move my shoulder the next day.</div>
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By the way, this is the park we celebrated Vienne's 5th birthday. We planted a hydrangea at the back of the park between two pines for her and since have thought that city park folk had torn it up since it 'didn't belong'. Anyway, it's back. Just a few little branches and leaves a couple inches over the bark but it's there. It's so tempting to read into stuff like that, to over spiritualize or deliver some sort of homily about perseverance, Truth is I'm just glad it's there. Just being there is enough. I wish Vienne was just here.</div>
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What I will say about this 2 year anniversary of sadness is that grief is the second most life changing emotion I think is out there, preceded only by love. In the movie The Avengers, the characters wonder and doubt how the Hulk has learned to control his anger….they want to know his secret to hiding it. Towards the end of the movie you learn he controls it by always being angry. Here's the clip just because:</div>
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And that's what grief is like to me; learning to live with the dichotomy of having sorrow while still being a loving husband, an engaged father, a reliable friend and pleasant co-worker. <i>That's our secret…we're just always sad</i>.</div>
For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-66860507427858760332014-08-31T11:04:00.004-07:002014-08-31T13:23:55.573-07:00In one weekExactly one week from yesterday it will be the 2 year mark. Two entire years of living without my beloved Vienne. Two entire years of grieving. Two years of learning a new self. Two years of raising an only child all over again. Two years of confusion, highs & lows, many changes, growths and set backs. <br />
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But there have been joys too. Life is not void of joys and mini triumphs. I do not like this life of mine, but I am finally trying to somewhat thrive in it. I still battle with bitterness and that is something I want to address this next year…but I have also found ways to start caring for myself. Baby steps. <br />
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Before I face the yuck of next week and the reliving of that horrific day, I thought I would jot down some updates from the past few months:<br />
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-Mark started a new career back in March. He is finally back in real estate….though now he landed an incredible position as a broker with a commercial real estate firm in Portland. The first year, establishing yourself and building clientele, is always a challenge but he is appreciating it and growing quickly. I am very proud of him. And, so relieved to watch him do something that he enjoys.<br />
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-Ivy is amazing. She is an angel, of course. Dare I say (even without bias), she is just as incredible and enchanting as her sister. I don't understand how it works and I don't know what I exactly believe about all that…but somehow in someway, she without a doubt carries her Sister's extraordinary spirit in her. It is bitter-sweet. I would have it NO other way, of course. But, I certainly see Vienne in Ivy every single day….from the way that Ivy dances….runs…makes her silly squeaky playful noises…throws her head back in laughter…is gentle and patient and kind…is sensitive and loving…has never been rude or unkind or aggressive with anyone ever…has NEVER been intentionally disobedient. Her face looks different from Vienne's, but her little baby body is exactly exactly the same….long torso, short little legs, bowed in knobby knees, pudgy tiny little feet, itty bitty little bum….everything. Her body is exactly the same. This little girl keeps me alive. Oh my, I could devour her with my love. She brings me to tears just thinking about how much I love her….how proud I am of her. I could rave and rave and rave about her. <br />
~She says "Thank you" to everyone for everything. That sounds simple and silly….until you experience it from this little 2 year old and then you see how remarkable it is. "Thank you for making a nummy dinner, Grammy." …"Thank you for letting me play in your bedroom, Aunt Katy" …."Thank you" to the chiropractor for adjusting me, her mama …"Thank you" for opening the door for her … "Thank you for opening the paints, mama" …."Thank you for closing my seatbelt" ….etc. I'm not even exaggerating.<br />
~One of our favorite things she does is say "I meed a hug" (need). She says this whenever things do not go her way. Instead of throwing a fit or yelling or hitting or crying hard…she sadly requests a hug with big alligator tears, brimming at the edges of her sweet eyes. Like when she wants to get down from the table and hasn't finished her dinner…we'll say "you can get down when you finish these 3 bites". She wells up and says "I meed a hug". We lean over and hug her and then she finishes her bites. And that goes with everything. If I gently correct her in public, in front of someone, she will get extremely embarrassed and lean into me, hiding her face, and whisper "I meed a hug". OH my gosh, doesn't it just tug at your heartstrings?? And it's not in the least bit manipulative (most times) - but it is truly sincerely from a saddened little heart. We would never refuse those hugs.<br />
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(Ivy is on the left and Vienne is on the right - I put these side by side because of the clear similarities in their downward cast faces.)</div>
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(some of you already saw this on Facebook - but this was a precious moment I had to share again. Ivy was watching videos of Sissy and came to this video of V reading a book…so Ivy immediately recognized the book and ran to her room to get it and read along. The first time she could be read to by her big Sister. It was an emotional moment for me.)</div>
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(just a picture of her being our joy….a constant joy)</div>
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(she has developed her own sense of style. Purple is her favorite color and has to be worn almost everyday in some way)</div>
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(Just a glimpse at her sweet mellow nature. When all is quiet in the house and Ivy is no where to be seen for the moment…she is NEVER making trouble…but is almost always surrounded by a pile of books, reading to herself….or cooking in her kitchen.)</div>
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(Ivy still loves her bed and does not like to leave it immediately upon waking. She doesn't even cry when she wakes. She quietly sits up and moves to the end of the bed and pulls her blankie up. Thankfully, I know when she wakes and have a video monitor to make sure. She will often request a snack in there and she is so clean and tidy that I can trust her with a snack in her bed! When she was finished with this snack, she put her fork and spoon in the bowl and lined them up next to her cup at the edge of her bed in this orderly fashion. I rarely worry about messes with her…for she will make a bigger deal out of them than I ever would!)</div>
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-As for me, I've been up to a few things…but then again, life is still pretty basic and simple and boring. I did start seeing a new therapist that I think I had mentioned a few months back. I saw him 4 times….and quit. OH man, I just don't think counseling is the thing for me right yet. Besides not connecting with this guy, I just don't like the confines of a counseling scenario. I hate that you are limited to 45 minutes to discuss what's one your mind. I always feel a pressure to utilize my time as efficiently as I can, because I am also paying for this! And, it's not cheap! You spend that short 45 minutes pouring your heart out and then the time is up and you have to shovel and pack those emotions all back in and walk out the door and carry on with life. I hate it.<br />
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-So, this fall I am finally going to join a Grief Share group instead. I finally feel the need to be with others who can relate. I need a setting that is not restricted. And, I need to feel that I am NOT being fixed…but just being understood and loved. It took me all this time to get to this place of feeling comfortable to join a group of other bereaved people…I, selfishly, have not wanted to burden myself with other people's sadness, for in my eyes my loss is the worst, of course. That is normal. But, now I feel ready - I see how appropriate it will be for me.<br />
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-Back in June (I think), I took some more tests for my health. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease (which means that my immune system has been attacking my thyroid), Adrenal Fatigue, IBS-C, and a strange condition called Chilblains on my feet (related to autoimmune diseases….look it up if you're curious). Oh, and an allergy to the sun. Yeah, not kidding. Welts and hives on my chest after a few minutes in the sun (all related to the autoimmune disorder, which is Hashimoto's). I was also officially diagnosed with PTSD by that therapist, before I left him. So, this summer, I have been taking natural medications for all of those conditions (because I don't go mainstream with medicine if I don't have to) and…..finally have been feeling better! Some energy has returned and my digestion has been getting much better…and the weird chilblains have mostly disappeared.<br />
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-Because of my pent up anger and anxiety, the therapist had suggested that I find a constructive way to release that negative energy. I thought hard about this because I hate exercise and I am not athletic. But, I knew I needed a healthy outlet. So, you will be very surprised about what I have gotten myself into this summer. I found a Groupon for a kickboxing class and decided to give it a shot. Groupons are so great for trying new things out in an affordable way. So, I showed up to this class to find out that it is not a typical "24 Hour Fitness-punch the air to music- Tai Bo kickboxing routine-class". No. This was an official martial arts studio and this was what is called Muay Thai Kickboxing and it's legit. I stood there, with shaking knees, in a small small class of varied levels of skill, thinking "<i>what the hell have I gotten myself into???</i>" Two months later now….you would not believe that I have officially signed up as a student of martial arts and have been addictively attending class a few times a week. And, on top of that…..I am actually pretty good at it! I keep getting incredible feedback from my instructor that he is so surprised by how quickly I've been picking things up. It is hard and it is challenging and I eat tons of humble pie every time I am there…but surprisingly love it. I even conquered a huge fear one time when I showed up to class and discovered that I was the only woman in the class of all experienced men - only 5 men. I had to pair up with one of them and I even had to spar (meaning: throw <i>impromptu</i> strikes/kicks and block the ones thrown at me)!! And, I made it through. It was crazy. I wrap my wrists and I wear boxing gloves and I take it out on the heavy bags and thai pads…and I am feeling pretty bad ass! ;) It has been my big triumph this summer. I am proud of myself. I have found something unique and my own - something for myself that is empowering. I have found a small community there, as well. I am very glad that I took that huge step out of my comfort zone to discover this incredible opportunity for myself. Obviously, it is my HUGE "distraction".<br />
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-As for my grieving heart - I've found a mostly consistent way to maintain myself at an "even keeled" level of emotion with the help of natural supplements and those distractions. I get by in this life by finding constant distractions. I've reached a point of recognizing that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the "fate" of things - my daughter died. It is horrific and I have to live with that truth. And, there is nothing in this world that can change it or fix me or make that truth better. I have to live with this. I don't accept it but I have resigned to it. I have spent most of the past 2 years fighting that..and the fight has done nothing for me but wear me down and make me sick.<br />
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I don't know what to think about as I approach next week. We don't have plans. We have decided to not do anything "special". We do not want to be around people. We want the day to just reflect and be sad. We intentionally do not want to be distracted if that's how we feel. So, we are not even doing a family dinner like we did last year. We are letting Ivy stay over night with my parents (for the first time! ah!) and Mark and I will just spend the day as we like it, together. I had a hard time making the decision to let Ivy go on the day. There was a small conviction that we should spend the day together as a family. But, then I realized that that is what we do every saturday. And, Ivy is our distraction. She brings us constant joy. I don't want to be distracted by joy on that day. I want room for the sadness since I so intentionally avoid it all other days of the year. <br />
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September 6th is on a Saturday this year and I have progressively noticed how popular this date is for many events. It's foolish, but I must admit that I have been frustrated by that…knowing that so many people will be having fun and celebrating something on this day that we will grieve. There is a brewfest/tasting tour….the Warrior Dash….birthday parties…neighborhood parties etc. I hope that most people who are close to us will, at least, take a moment to reflect and maybe even share with me a reflection. I will need to know that she is not forgotten.<br />
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(Please never forget this Beauty of mine. OH isn't she breathtaking????)</div>
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(age 3 1/2)</div>
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My Heart - she is a piece of my heart.</div>
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<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-929602936554456082014-08-09T18:14:00.000-07:002014-08-09T18:14:41.587-07:00Heaviness all aroundI don't come here very often anymore…actually, I pretty much avoid this blog lately. Avoidance is my current key to survival. Much can be read into that…but I prefer not to at this point.<br />
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Anyway, I still <i>feel</i> though…<i>of course. </i>And this past week was one of heavier proportions. So, I felt compelled to write it out, so that maybe some of the heaviness could be unloaded.</div>
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I have felt emotionally affected and burdened by all of the horror that seems to progressively multiply around us. Doesn't it feel thicker and heavier and more abundant these days? Like the horrible tragic things that happen in this world are hitting closer and closer to home? Well, for me it's already hit "home"…so maybe I'm more aware of tragedy and doom. I don't know. Anyway, I just couldn't stop the tears this week….and for me, you know that is unusual. I cried at least once every day this week….when I will usually go weeks or months without tears. (<i>I'm so weird</i>). </div>
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~The murder of the toddler and slashing of her teen sister <i>by their mother</i>, in the Cannon Beach hotel…..the town where my marriage was born….where Vienne was born and spent half her life….the hotel where we held our wedding reception.</div>
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~The missing mom in Newberg whose body was finally discovered and revealed evidence of suicide. This one hit very close to me. It really felt like a blow to my stomach. I battle with icky thoughts of not wanting to live this life…..every. single. day. And, then to actually watch a story of a local mom who followed through with those horrible haunting thoughts, most likely because her life was too hard….was very real to me. (please know, I do not conjure up thoughts of my own suicide….I don't think about ending my life….I just think about how I don't want to live this life. There is a difference. I wouldn't be the one to take my life. I couldn't. But sometimes I surely wish it would end.)</div>
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~The missing little girl in Washington whose body was found this week.</div>
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~The genocide in Iraq….the beheading of the children….the fleeing of the Christians and their consequential starvation and deaths in the surrounding hills. Horror. Unimaginable horror….horror beyond what I have even known. </div>
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~A friend's father whose fight with cancer is not looking good.</div>
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~Another friend's newborn baby Girl suffering from seizures and spending time in the hospital undergoing tests…when she should be home nursing and sleeping and acclimating to life outside of her mommy's tummy.</div>
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Enough already. And this was all just in the past few weeks (that I found out about).</div>
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Then yesterday. Yesterday, I knew I was emotional so sometimes when I'm in that place, I decide to just delve further into it, rather than try to run from it (since I spend most of my time in avoidance). So, I decided it might be a good day to take Ivy to one of Vienne's favorite places (<a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2012/10/our-favorite-spot.html" target="_blank">click this link to read further on that</a>)….a place we have yet to return to since the summer that Vienne was last with us. The Smith Berry Barn in Scholls. We have so many memories of just going there to hang out in the grass and feed the goats…..pick berries…purchase local honey. It is one place I have avoided….kept sacred, maybe. So, I took Ivy there yesterday morning. We picked blackberries and raspberries. She's such a good little companion….patiently standing in the aisle, next to me, as I would hand her a few berries at a time. She would inspect them for any red spots (on the blackberries). As we were chatting and filling our bucket we heard a LOUD "<i>BOOM-CRASH</i>"….almost sounded like a gun went off. Everyone in the field gasped and froze. We were next to a side road. A car accident had occurred….it looked like a head-on collision. A man burst out of one vehicle and ran around and shouted at everyone in the field to call 911. My eyes welled with tears as I reached for my phone with trembling fingers….and….I froze. I <i>couldn't</i> do it. The last time I dialed 911 was for my Vienne. It was a serious post traumatic stress moment. Thankfully another man in the field had a phone and made the call. Then suddenly a dog erupted from one of the vehicles and bolted down the road….straight to the busy traffic street up ahead. We all, in the field, started screaming….screaming at the dog and then at the people to try and alert their attention. That's when I lost it. I stood there screaming and just seeing in my mind's eye, this dog running straight at an oncoming car and getting killed. I just started crying. It was too much. All just too too much.</div>
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Thankfully, the dog veered from traffic…though it ran far down the road and I am not sure if he was found. A fire truck and paramedics arrived. Even though we spent the rest of the time distracting ourselves with the goats and chickens, our time there was overshadowed by this sad event….with the flashing lights of the trucks and loud blaring of the sirens. What a way to return to a special memorable spot…..on this week of heaviness. Of all things. Of all times.</div>
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It's just been too heavy for me. And, I needed to unload this.</div>
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Here are some photos of Ivy at the special farm that we love ~</div>
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For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-55315719529856085332014-05-26T14:43:00.001-07:002014-06-04T18:52:11.492-07:00Mornings ~ {A guest post by Mark}<div style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;">
*Since I am very obviously not currently interested in blogging these days, Mark saw an opportunity to fill the void and share his heart. He has been hesitant to do so for some time…but I am so very glad he did. I love my husband's heart. And so will you. (The photos were chosen and added by me)*</div>
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I never fully realized what a charmed life I had when Vienne was here, particularly the mornings. The first two years of V's life I was a realtor in Cannon Beach. The last two and a half years I was in sales for a heating/cooling company in Portland. With both, it was rare that I had to be out the door before <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8455625283347938520" style="color: #3697b3; font-weight: bold;">8:30</a>. To some people, that means you get to sleep in until 8, or even <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8455625283347938520" style="color: #3697b3; font-weight: bold;">8:15</a>. But not if Vienne were living in your house.<br />
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From the very beginning V was an early riser and though I'm sure it happened I can't remember a day when she slept past 7! As I recall, she was typically up around <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8455625283347938520" style="color: #3697b3; font-weight: bold;">6:30</a> most mornings. And because it takes me a whopping 15 minutes to get ready for work, I almost always had an hour or two with her.<br />
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In Cannon Beach days, before she turned 2, we (I) would eagerly wait for the clock to strike 7 so I could pack us up and walk down to our favorite bakery Waves of Grain. Often in misty morning coastal fogs, we'd stroller on down and spend 45 minutes hanging out on their cozy couch. When she was tiny she'd just sit next to me on this old couch that you'd just sink into, nibbling on snacks and watching people come and go while I read the Gazette. As she learned to walk she used the walls, chairs, display cases and occasional strangers leg to scale the circumference of the common area. I always felt like the staff and owners came to look at her as a little mascot. In fact, as I write this I remember that Waves of Grain Bakery is the first place I took Vienne a couple weeks after she was born. For those who like details, V's favorite treat at the time was the espresso bran muffin; I would steal the espresso glazed top and she would mine the muffin bottom for all the raisins. We complimented each other fairly well in this manner.<br />
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Waves of Grain has since moved to Portland (yay!) and the space in CB is now called Sea Level Bakery. Through some odd providence, the new bakery owners are connected by family friends and very familiar with Vienne's story. When they started remodeling the bakery this Spring they invited us over and asked if we had any ideas or thoughts on how they could honor Vienne's memory at the new bakery. I mean wow! Who does that? I haven't been back yet and haven't asked them what idea they landed on because I envision just walking in one day and smiling at whatever I see. The new owners are also the people who assisted Jenny's Mom in making her dream of Vienne's bench plaque a reality.<br />
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In good weather we would sometimes take our bakery treats to the beach or just continue walking. V loved the fresh ocean air. Whenever the wind wasn't too crazy we'd walk the sand or sit on one of the old driftwood-made benches at the end of nearly every street in Tolovana Park. I have some great "selfies" (before they were called that) of V & I one day when there was a negative tide and she was just solid enough to totter around on her own. We explored tidal pools and she discovered how fun wet sand can be.<br />
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Our Beaverton mornings were just as adventurous in their way but I'll save that for another day.<br />
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I don't have this freedom of time with Ivy, at least not on the weekdays and I feel guilty for it. When Vienne passed I swore to myself that work would never trump time with family and I have become a classic hypocrite on this. I work ten hour days in order to establish myself in a new career in commercial real estate. I tell myself that in a year or two I'll have a better foundation set where I can blend working from home in the mornings and spend time creating stories with Ivy. And yet, who knows more than us that we never know what even the next hour will bring? Jesus spoke of this fruitless future planning and I think of those words often on my way to work. Are the sacrifices today worth what <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_1824328091" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">tomorrow</span></span> may bring? Last year I would have unhesitatingly said no. Take as much as can be gotten out of every day and as much time with those you love as possible.<br />
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Yet as time has passed we have new dreams as a family and I have new visions of how I want to grow with Ivy. Those plans involve professional freedom and so in my subconscious scales I have weighed and determined that not having mornings with Ivy like I had with Vienne is worth the future I may have with Ivy that I'll never have with Vienne.</div>
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Right or wrong, I love Ivy with a fierceness that borders on insanity. Every, and I emphasize <i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.00392157);">every</i>, morning they are heavy steps and an aching heart that have me walking out the door and away for the day.</div>
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And, now this is Mark with Ivy. She has Vienne's smile, as you can see in comparison with the photo above~</div>
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For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-14554317716188405662014-05-19T13:55:00.000-07:002014-08-10T10:26:34.440-07:00Caleb's Dream of Vienne<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Caleb told his Mama (Lacey) that he had another dream about Vienne. If you don't know the history between Caleb and Vienne, read about it <a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2012/10/caleb-vienne.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2013/10/a-very-belated-happy-birthday-to-one.html" target="_blank">here</a>. This is not the first dream he's had about her in Heaven…though, I failed to remember to share the last one I heard. Maybe Lacey can remind me.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Here is his dream from this past weekend:</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Caleb (7 yrs. old) said that he went to Vienne's new house which was like a little castle made of lots of colors and was built of giant blocks. They played outside on the swings and while they were swinging, Vienne told Caleb that she loved him and she thanked him for being her friend. She was wearing a beautiful rainbow dress and he said she was happier than he'd ever seen her. The sun was shining brightly and he said it was his favorite time that he has ever gotten to play with her.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">*tears*</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">and more *tears*</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">can't. stop. crying.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">This one broke my overly hardened and embittered facade today.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span>For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-42840283100373303822014-05-08T18:56:00.000-07:002014-06-04T19:06:38.796-07:00Vienne's 6th Birthday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Well, exactly one week ago from today, we celebrated Vienne's 6th Birthday. I just realized today that Vienne was actually born on a Thursday too. This was the first Thursday since her birth that we celebrated her day. </div>
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As I promised last year, I have chosen to be happy on her Birthday each year. I kept my promise last week.</div>
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This year's celebration was just as great of a turn out as last year's and I am thankful for that. I am very thankful for all the help we received and for all of the participation and support. </div>
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This year, we chose to celebrate Vienne's birthday at another one of her favorite parks - Barrows Park in Beaverton. Vienne called this park "Dragon Park" for the concrete dragon sculpture that is there, which she used to ride on ~</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRnc9F45nczwS9gnkJjSZ8sEOaCF4WY55d6V6JSNsLFwqydBj1dMJicDkcRkwboZDQ0QC9bGljAnWFFwDt-KWt3oJX2QAsEyKBv2FV8zAZx1beRYVIDso3ASZUFSOizPC5UyMK_kXZjZJc/s1600/final+blackberry+038.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRnc9F45nczwS9gnkJjSZ8sEOaCF4WY55d6V6JSNsLFwqydBj1dMJicDkcRkwboZDQ0QC9bGljAnWFFwDt-KWt3oJX2QAsEyKBv2FV8zAZx1beRYVIDso3ASZUFSOizPC5UyMK_kXZjZJc/s1600/final+blackberry+038.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{Vienne at age 2 1/2 riding the dragon}</div>
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This special park was also chosen because we were gifted with a beautiful bench plaque that we scheduled to have installed on the morning of her Birthday. The plaque was gifted to us by my Mom and Stepdad along with some dear friends of theirs who have fallen in love with Vienne, Ann and Doug Menke. Doug works for Tualatin Hills Park and Rec who helped make this happen. The pictures are below.</div>
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We continued the tradition of planting wildflower seeds at the park. I incorporated a new activity for the children, which will continue as tradition in every year following this one. I filled a basket with tiny dinosaurs for the kids to hide around the park and leave behind for another child to find. Each dino had a little tag with a note on it for the child when it was found. You will also see these below. </div>
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The day was another HOT (90 degrees!!??) sunny day, like last year. A perfect day for the park. We invited our close friends and family and people who knew Vienne. </div>
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Here are the photos:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHBrmwqB1ZigKY07LAu_KuvXd3Ho6odJ4WsbIinzBVRCGah6GoKzOcmF_kNtcN5-Hom9Pdr9N9HkN3XUxhxNxSIuthLyKuU_qdVjDpIe9wrf3ZdVboa1CTvvmVTOka78dhHvgUdYNVF9Zj/s1600/IMG_3196.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHBrmwqB1ZigKY07LAu_KuvXd3Ho6odJ4WsbIinzBVRCGah6GoKzOcmF_kNtcN5-Hom9Pdr9N9HkN3XUxhxNxSIuthLyKuU_qdVjDpIe9wrf3ZdVboa1CTvvmVTOka78dhHvgUdYNVF9Zj/s1600/IMG_3196.JPG" height="400" width="261" /></a></div>
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{this is a horrible photo, but this is the little bag of seed bombs that were made for our church family. My friend, Jessica, helped and organized a seed bomb making party. We rolled seeds into air-dry clay, mixed with fertilizer. Jessica took them home and put them in these darling little bags. She enlisted, Andrea - a graphic designer at our church - for help, who designed the darling cards, which were attached. If you notice on the card, the T-Rex is holding a blue hydrangea! And, then a dino was also included in the bag…..my church family totally rocks.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfYJtYodLTo_BW1IBavRiWn8mxtbzgeGmGb9sXJIlYqCiZmykbPf-dfwjiFZ5ZypdX44ca8S1TwrAbzalhEo4ZLfViV0DmICnolBBeRX1Q2bto_oVgwoc8ZQpIGLNb0vEI4Dmu9dGWQtGC/s1600/IMG_3195.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfYJtYodLTo_BW1IBavRiWn8mxtbzgeGmGb9sXJIlYqCiZmykbPf-dfwjiFZ5ZypdX44ca8S1TwrAbzalhEo4ZLfViV0DmICnolBBeRX1Q2bto_oVgwoc8ZQpIGLNb0vEI4Dmu9dGWQtGC/s1600/IMG_3195.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{a dino in the bag, with seed bombs and shredded crinkle paper filling}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi79pNH_wGvt5wsPNIfh7b28ag4r6PQhKRzwOXcD1NpxL1OSArgXvG18CYIp55RdyfC73Okd4UDK3lt8qMuiWX3IJG9JctcyPuuLjVR23ZvxdbBwETXtWuGcaIL_z1lqBB_pvE8YoZ2hU9O/s1600/IMG_3194.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi79pNH_wGvt5wsPNIfh7b28ag4r6PQhKRzwOXcD1NpxL1OSArgXvG18CYIp55RdyfC73Okd4UDK3lt8qMuiWX3IJG9JctcyPuuLjVR23ZvxdbBwETXtWuGcaIL_z1lqBB_pvE8YoZ2hU9O/s1600/IMG_3194.JPG" height="323" width="400" /></a></div>
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{the back side of the card. This bag and card was only handed out to my church. I made something of my own for our party. I just wanted to share what was done for us. We are so thankful for the continued love and support from our church family.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWrlu3mqxQxQCUK-IeDVtXaPz8kIWTOIgB57gqCpg3HJ4tw609i3zL-qbIxpuez2xiG-YhzXgZ7-N4JJf8HRT0bpa_kb-b4lMKnYR9ntt53ODTZLQmop6yummo5cMiHv3XAVzKYAVEyW_2/s1600/IMG_3225.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWrlu3mqxQxQCUK-IeDVtXaPz8kIWTOIgB57gqCpg3HJ4tw609i3zL-qbIxpuez2xiG-YhzXgZ7-N4JJf8HRT0bpa_kb-b4lMKnYR9ntt53ODTZLQmop6yummo5cMiHv3XAVzKYAVEyW_2/s1600/IMG_3225.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{Tualatin Hills Park & Rec were also amazing in helping us to celebrate Vienne. We scheduled the installation of the plaque for her Birthday, so THPRD offered to set up the canopy as well as provide chairs for the party!…and then come and pick it all up when the party was over.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhy4VQsTshQrXlql-s7ll73A7r7KkP7LBp76xk6SU4LgdwH8aI_DswNb34Szh3PEhzi56bPw0xvFH4Gdwm8r67OyMVjDN5lDU36fgUpqk0WpaJdaW3f2KzEJWudORnMFwYgGP7uF9RzlsQ/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhy4VQsTshQrXlql-s7ll73A7r7KkP7LBp76xk6SU4LgdwH8aI_DswNb34Szh3PEhzi56bPw0xvFH4Gdwm8r67OyMVjDN5lDU36fgUpqk0WpaJdaW3f2KzEJWudORnMFwYgGP7uF9RzlsQ/s1600/unnamed.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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{And, here is the plaque!! How freaking amazing is this??!! The "photo" is actually in color. I have NEVER seen a plaque like this. We are so touched and amazed by this incredible gift. There are no words. If you live in the Portland area, please go and visit the bench. Leave Vienne a flower!}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilIe48gr7JdQ3yZHsDAfkUvW-yay79n70eT-je7TZv10J2xahApGAn_RfyWQbXfsbUB-ZbxpEKBuKfYpf1-vAaspwk2_u5Wvd6hohGeUXHu2LRdHnLJgIgBLhyphenhyphenJMRfce1ZQhXaW7EHCj-P/s1600/10325534_10203729704302261_7570311339181277682_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilIe48gr7JdQ3yZHsDAfkUvW-yay79n70eT-je7TZv10J2xahApGAn_RfyWQbXfsbUB-ZbxpEKBuKfYpf1-vAaspwk2_u5Wvd6hohGeUXHu2LRdHnLJgIgBLhyphenhyphenJMRfce1ZQhXaW7EHCj-P/s1600/10325534_10203729704302261_7570311339181277682_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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{We suggested that if anyone wanted to bring a gift for Vienne, they could bring her a bouquet of flowers, to set on the bench. Here is a photo of the beginning of that collection of sweet bouquets, along with Ivy and her sweet cousin, Miriam.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoXc7ZEUwRqJDDMXhCpcH9WsqEh7l49N-MBR4i6JR3uQC6eMGqEheSXG8eKtXVI0wdOPLRgeMAlpa9iBAxexjvHqkMR4oGOfLQfgupKptTvhn2W0SNDZ49JYIy5oBgt8uZUHWwVhj5C1j9/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoXc7ZEUwRqJDDMXhCpcH9WsqEh7l49N-MBR4i6JR3uQC6eMGqEheSXG8eKtXVI0wdOPLRgeMAlpa9iBAxexjvHqkMR4oGOfLQfgupKptTvhn2W0SNDZ49JYIy5oBgt8uZUHWwVhj5C1j9/s1600/unnamed.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
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{We moved the canopy over the picnic table and set up a few things that I had planned for the party. Here, in front, are remembrance cards, printed on handmade seed paper for the guests to take home and either keep or plant in their yards. In the basket behind, are the seed bombs…just to grab and toss into the wetlands that line the edge of the park.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRsdqx2PMDF-aVi3ipCNOJR5tviVa0xoXqe7IPTURJLQdubdioIZyIvhkAZfpjwebaVIrAUUS7GDKCvBSRHahE3aMzJLpA-Rh1OxqJlN9doiA4iB74xMtOboIcPjMGTK6kh8KFqd9LxLNz/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRsdqx2PMDF-aVi3ipCNOJR5tviVa0xoXqe7IPTURJLQdubdioIZyIvhkAZfpjwebaVIrAUUS7GDKCvBSRHahE3aMzJLpA-Rh1OxqJlN9doiA4iB74xMtOboIcPjMGTK6kh8KFqd9LxLNz/s1600/unnamed.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
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{Seed bombs. They either looked like poop balls…or chocolate truffles. Actually, most everyone thought that they were truffles! Good thing there was a sign. ;)}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid9avfP5b4kfwOfwoS8frfwiCLZsyTq6NI5P_mGR0sF2Z08RdGCf726KmfJNAF1FGmJ-TYtXW6ynpYRyLNDOE32g3Pu9DqsFQ8atYLcfMjhPVvFD3VQgAapglasQuGJAoPpy_l-m6CGVVb/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid9avfP5b4kfwOfwoS8frfwiCLZsyTq6NI5P_mGR0sF2Z08RdGCf726KmfJNAF1FGmJ-TYtXW6ynpYRyLNDOE32g3Pu9DqsFQ8atYLcfMjhPVvFD3VQgAapglasQuGJAoPpy_l-m6CGVVb/s1600/unnamed.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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{in the basket on the left are the tiny dinosaurs with little tags tied to them. The dinos were for the kids at our party to hide anywhere at the park and leave behind for another child to find. On the tags, I printed this little saying that Mark helped to create: <i>"Hi! My name is Dino and I like warm hugs! I was left here for you to find in memory of a little Girl named Vienne who loved dinos and adventures and making friends. Today, on May 1, Vienne would be 6 - give Dino a hug and send her a sweet wish. xo"</i>}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz5_5EjTGWtF5u6VNa2MeOuBWn87S1M6-V0c5Bm9pMVPirQSOyBwe9i3c4e97ETLh9NXkhkZthtyxOn9WO-0cEGAdPVURvXQIWSYja5E6-5WD_zgpEC8c-RVu27AyMZWglgoBvlXWg8PXd/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz5_5EjTGWtF5u6VNa2MeOuBWn87S1M6-V0c5Bm9pMVPirQSOyBwe9i3c4e97ETLh9NXkhkZthtyxOn9WO-0cEGAdPVURvXQIWSYja5E6-5WD_zgpEC8c-RVu27AyMZWglgoBvlXWg8PXd/s1600/unnamed.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
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{Made two types of cupcakes again - Grain/dairy free and Gluten free. True to tradition, honoring Vienne's last birthday request, the chocolate cupcakes are decorated with green frosting and purple polka dots. And I added a few candy dinos here and there. (Thank you to my Sis, Kate, for making one of the batches xoxo)}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF5YVveJHguKUFrAuqbf1Ep4U0ziwrtBYgmBD1sHdoq28VXLodfyr1Zebv5S8n1bVohEn6Mq4dQTIkvXiq8JGW9q8Ze0g9nH-mZyUdFDNuu9TnAJd1eGn7oJj_w00n3kSCz1M8-MpVl2gl/s1600/IMG_3202.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF5YVveJHguKUFrAuqbf1Ep4U0ziwrtBYgmBD1sHdoq28VXLodfyr1Zebv5S8n1bVohEn6Mq4dQTIkvXiq8JGW9q8Ze0g9nH-mZyUdFDNuu9TnAJd1eGn7oJj_w00n3kSCz1M8-MpVl2gl/s1600/IMG_3202.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{I was pretty proud about how they turned out}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy3y35PxlhEC0Zn_uolMTgeSD47COKzkacNYqjNjg40tcaVq86UzRXzP9mlS2d2lcZWOVwf4NMc1-coyQ8cobw_OGsDCORfj5qPibR8aDtoof91uUyxlGPcb5Ssg0cLS9JPcWmVzg29PT1/s1600/IMG_3224.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy3y35PxlhEC0Zn_uolMTgeSD47COKzkacNYqjNjg40tcaVq86UzRXzP9mlS2d2lcZWOVwf4NMc1-coyQ8cobw_OGsDCORfj5qPibR8aDtoof91uUyxlGPcb5Ssg0cLS9JPcWmVzg29PT1/s1600/IMG_3224.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{the melted gluten free version}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVun6pTb58nn6Mzz4t73swgOf7_zIh-JqDV2FVaHxORb4cFcW-ZaINje7iG5Ip1yJ3SMUzbBmLLSgrX68zyNRDUyNVenkBhEn9F0ZkTJ0pb6wMFW1jwdSs_TbWGw0TE9KBU4LyZPIahYn_/s1600/IMG_3222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVun6pTb58nn6Mzz4t73swgOf7_zIh-JqDV2FVaHxORb4cFcW-ZaINje7iG5Ip1yJ3SMUzbBmLLSgrX68zyNRDUyNVenkBhEn9F0ZkTJ0pb6wMFW1jwdSs_TbWGw0TE9KBU4LyZPIahYn_/s1600/IMG_3222.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{Vienne's Aunt Kinsey, my dear friend and sis in law, made Vienne this gorgeously creative dino and gnome garden. UUHHHH-Mazing!}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii4Ho-UpCp7KwCiFCGGvECn7aINDl74bOEIhiwnqa3DAgaM9HRm9E7QyveoP0a7AQ2b3w7TTjVMCeNOF1SmOr_B1w971Q7dMP7Q05cehhnu71QfmLcnKjJFGhkuuxpQJdzRba6Yg7i9PWl/s1600/IMG_3223.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii4Ho-UpCp7KwCiFCGGvECn7aINDl74bOEIhiwnqa3DAgaM9HRm9E7QyveoP0a7AQ2b3w7TTjVMCeNOF1SmOr_B1w971Q7dMP7Q05cehhnu71QfmLcnKjJFGhkuuxpQJdzRba6Yg7i9PWl/s1600/IMG_3223.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{check out the little door and the hiding dinos…there are little honey bees and flowers…oh the pics don't do it justice.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOeQ-q2wHF07tEVF1dh45rAvqeAzu1XrP302tgWEvHkR4ESfesDzezMCO8_Zw6JSzWaRdW9Yw3KFMl3BSFs3YXsGqayU62uly0kAe8OoXEzzoseIORPzTUj7f8scI3rXlBh0EFCURl3N1m/s1600/IMG_3227.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOeQ-q2wHF07tEVF1dh45rAvqeAzu1XrP302tgWEvHkR4ESfesDzezMCO8_Zw6JSzWaRdW9Yw3KFMl3BSFs3YXsGqayU62uly0kAe8OoXEzzoseIORPzTUj7f8scI3rXlBh0EFCURl3N1m/s1600/IMG_3227.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{sisters and cousins}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZc4ydRwkwVgRzG2Ojl2EopbFFp1DQxWzTSj_fjsBB4CP5GhmoG-iRtNJEvLfj7pX3R84rZ-06u3R8UiRZP9-_7LzZgVV3GtGx8fDYb6Fj8Wxmp-aftE2nP-HBSLU7KeMDNtJVKUHMfPzY/s1600/IMG_3234.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZc4ydRwkwVgRzG2Ojl2EopbFFp1DQxWzTSj_fjsBB4CP5GhmoG-iRtNJEvLfj7pX3R84rZ-06u3R8UiRZP9-_7LzZgVV3GtGx8fDYb6Fj8Wxmp-aftE2nP-HBSLU7KeMDNtJVKUHMfPzY/s1600/IMG_3234.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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{it was a great turn out of dear friends and family}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRZjj0H5EdFXSC2BJK4mr7jmYNv2Aui0S4nx4re48SLc_WQykZT_ULQbzUEujVTx3iARiuIsaHkm6zw-d6xTKFODz3KbW9w2e44Q7uEEUssUyZsTaN1GbswkqjIKoTunsAQbI0UZq-qJUE/s1600/IMG_3236.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRZjj0H5EdFXSC2BJK4mr7jmYNv2Aui0S4nx4re48SLc_WQykZT_ULQbzUEujVTx3iARiuIsaHkm6zw-d6xTKFODz3KbW9w2e44Q7uEEUssUyZsTaN1GbswkqjIKoTunsAQbI0UZq-qJUE/s1600/IMG_3236.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{me with Asher and Elijah - two of Vienne's good friends}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhytwcYuSZkl-c00aWDlALVCdLwt9fJhhhF0fYTlnNp7z7zQ_rzCmlS3W86skMnQaSAVAiLLRqYTdveLFXdEJhtN-Ugi73tz_cCsBwkC7yVbS7VuJi3WepMa-XOFWrjiPteG9jHk9p2Zpzc/s1600/IMG_3237.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhytwcYuSZkl-c00aWDlALVCdLwt9fJhhhF0fYTlnNp7z7zQ_rzCmlS3W86skMnQaSAVAiLLRqYTdveLFXdEJhtN-Ugi73tz_cCsBwkC7yVbS7VuJi3WepMa-XOFWrjiPteG9jHk9p2Zpzc/s1600/IMG_3237.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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{in a social gathering, you can ALWAYS find Mark playing with the kids. ALWAYS. He tends to veer from adult socializing. He says that kids are way more fun and entertaining. I love my husband.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyYbKmzOtzPTH7aCYffS2OjjhBXjD5A0h9j5rypPCtmYcwgzXd0DWV6wswfWdND86Sl1N4PvcbjoDYMv8QNPxEZ6ntJ81Y3UjU25Tje_fJwoft8Q5DhdM-oSy_HOfocOF1MrsgdI5o5wHS/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6715-3231200057-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyYbKmzOtzPTH7aCYffS2OjjhBXjD5A0h9j5rypPCtmYcwgzXd0DWV6wswfWdND86Sl1N4PvcbjoDYMv8QNPxEZ6ntJ81Y3UjU25Tje_fJwoft8Q5DhdM-oSy_HOfocOF1MrsgdI5o5wHS/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6715-3231200057-O.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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{Ivy Girl}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiarZN81g4r3CzcdB3PH1fualgGaAklfFjLQQJ1E7HKSgLK3qsyGuxSLMRgFtrFlzgn2FEcbi9x2ad0anJx2erHpds9a4gExcH3d0PbQvuZWdcoG29Nn8IbNTBdKYfkeKVDKqqsO2iRR592/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6714-3231200050-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiarZN81g4r3CzcdB3PH1fualgGaAklfFjLQQJ1E7HKSgLK3qsyGuxSLMRgFtrFlzgn2FEcbi9x2ad0anJx2erHpds9a4gExcH3d0PbQvuZWdcoG29Nn8IbNTBdKYfkeKVDKqqsO2iRR592/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6714-3231200050-O.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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{look how big she is getting!}</div>
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{Cousin Elliott down the slide and Jenna watching on}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgybPYqSKNC_b8BlVrIbPiPzjEFVWcZacymVeFdtimtD7HUsWayqVr8B6RJKvE32KCwr6dG1778aeYXfJd4x-PBeSSiz3ajPk4TM2g4JpGO6ofx7Whyphenhyphen0VBxKw65fgbK09VJG3FTVGYX9TQT/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6724-3231200313-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgybPYqSKNC_b8BlVrIbPiPzjEFVWcZacymVeFdtimtD7HUsWayqVr8B6RJKvE32KCwr6dG1778aeYXfJd4x-PBeSSiz3ajPk4TM2g4JpGO6ofx7Whyphenhyphen0VBxKw65fgbK09VJG3FTVGYX9TQT/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6724-3231200313-O.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKIhr9g1HWvg-TwfN61t8bP2nya5InKt6nM7sPfZB9zQJVfzbKFB_JuqBsjigsIqTrNG18EswhcgDbnVXdXuNeFo0QULjQj4kzHE8lZkAoUMavR4ZOWqAs2KJpBesWfG0-YxUVlOH9QYr0/s1600/IMG_3238.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKIhr9g1HWvg-TwfN61t8bP2nya5InKt6nM7sPfZB9zQJVfzbKFB_JuqBsjigsIqTrNG18EswhcgDbnVXdXuNeFo0QULjQj4kzHE8lZkAoUMavR4ZOWqAs2KJpBesWfG0-YxUVlOH9QYr0/s1600/IMG_3238.jpg" height="400" width="336" /></a></div>
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{Caleb and Ivy. Caleb is of one Vienne's best friends and there is a true connection between these two already}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDjo_hCiZEr0txPj0tmfi3zirCq79OeoJywSI8LV5Z-Ulcka-xsK60H-fyhufslnGuASrUJh8iWozXagVvkAKW7LaXEDi8fufEtSZuwrF9okl9jR9CHhB7942F_t1uB6XwU_WcsvcVrMTD/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6710-3231199943-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDjo_hCiZEr0txPj0tmfi3zirCq79OeoJywSI8LV5Z-Ulcka-xsK60H-fyhufslnGuASrUJh8iWozXagVvkAKW7LaXEDi8fufEtSZuwrF9okl9jR9CHhB7942F_t1uB6XwU_WcsvcVrMTD/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6710-3231199943-O.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3YzO0atu75O3eppSeKTkXBAbglNfa6jDPIscK1DI02MQCPgWh7EmFCBsP0k_KpS2qBEt5bOjSO2f7U0fEcZSlXqkMo72IDmNv4l-h11WlezBz63mKlx_oMmD9aqzJ9g19oU8LhQPooIxq/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6705-3231199875-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3YzO0atu75O3eppSeKTkXBAbglNfa6jDPIscK1DI02MQCPgWh7EmFCBsP0k_KpS2qBEt5bOjSO2f7U0fEcZSlXqkMo72IDmNv4l-h11WlezBz63mKlx_oMmD9aqzJ9g19oU8LhQPooIxq/s1600/Vienne%252527s%252BBday-6705-3231199875-O.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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{long time friends - Donny and Mark}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlVo4O2bsivXeABAauNTCxHBMlqCPVqWANf0-gR9k0LD2trph7G7WA3Xj_Acok0qjtkImXc6MXcctRM5Q8NOCbFrQky-l1WXlPqRXCmFNp1AtslHuPjrg5atGYjToDi2epg2RuPza_Tt5z/s1600/IMG_3239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlVo4O2bsivXeABAauNTCxHBMlqCPVqWANf0-gR9k0LD2trph7G7WA3Xj_Acok0qjtkImXc6MXcctRM5Q8NOCbFrQky-l1WXlPqRXCmFNp1AtslHuPjrg5atGYjToDi2epg2RuPza_Tt5z/s1600/IMG_3239.jpg" height="400" width="346" /></a></div>
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{I love how Ivy loves Uncle Seff (Seth)}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI3wpD3nVMLQ0dAXQ5StCiczHkw9fezydXHbS6nW5EPG1_UcSDLyntJKxWE0uefJSFKSBg80r_3QeyCp4fhthP99aSjbhu3oYxWevZcmZPiK81iXirl8FDcKyIsJDKyeTnVAOY_p4glWrW/s1600/10308078_466856583448039_7354655453220854588_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI3wpD3nVMLQ0dAXQ5StCiczHkw9fezydXHbS6nW5EPG1_UcSDLyntJKxWE0uefJSFKSBg80r_3QeyCp4fhthP99aSjbhu3oYxWevZcmZPiK81iXirl8FDcKyIsJDKyeTnVAOY_p4glWrW/s1600/10308078_466856583448039_7354655453220854588_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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{Cutie girls - Ivy and Sophie}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZSaFm83kxt733ZYi9fjcRlQbZgq5RvN8lFhc__uDTiDFc2pxVR6ysQ9zVHFEUsW2yB-D_oLJrZ4xfeoDSzJ9S4fpgRAmx1IyvbXkz2f6rZ3np4cWfb3WovfqDx5fkouErtAkuYXdKfjVI/s1600/10309191_466856266781404_2856960771953498707_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZSaFm83kxt733ZYi9fjcRlQbZgq5RvN8lFhc__uDTiDFc2pxVR6ysQ9zVHFEUsW2yB-D_oLJrZ4xfeoDSzJ9S4fpgRAmx1IyvbXkz2f6rZ3np4cWfb3WovfqDx5fkouErtAkuYXdKfjVI/s1600/10309191_466856266781404_2856960771953498707_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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{Isn't she a beauty??}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh05a_yrWnk1HrV_G9oUFNoyqS3UEVp_fWrQUbFPakuMrWqragaGU8OJ9tcyvjr819UR2W4NkBYskpQoBAgi5JMMu2j2Vp2SVONgfBfhqA3FQDwyJlRo20RdtVK0Qt8Qe1vP_-1Y_r2Qse4/s1600/10330338_466857606781270_2553314119429870228_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh05a_yrWnk1HrV_G9oUFNoyqS3UEVp_fWrQUbFPakuMrWqragaGU8OJ9tcyvjr819UR2W4NkBYskpQoBAgi5JMMu2j2Vp2SVONgfBfhqA3FQDwyJlRo20RdtVK0Qt8Qe1vP_-1Y_r2Qse4/s1600/10330338_466857606781270_2553314119429870228_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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{Me with Emily - one of Vienne's old dear friends. I was so so touched that Emily could come. She gave me some of the sweetest hugs.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhujLPcNwKoPDwk0v-T8lDdAdZ1mcC-hGxh29_kQpnHhYhbM906Ru5M8ivWMaZN2bJ7PwYVXCxeMbs3YUD7oWSZasFP2GS9OuWSQBL260eJZuimKSoSSNzYPlqCbtLj_TYXsHOZFJTKi8Gi/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhujLPcNwKoPDwk0v-T8lDdAdZ1mcC-hGxh29_kQpnHhYhbM906Ru5M8ivWMaZN2bJ7PwYVXCxeMbs3YUD7oWSZasFP2GS9OuWSQBL260eJZuimKSoSSNzYPlqCbtLj_TYXsHOZFJTKi8Gi/s1600/unnamed.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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{Our dear friends, the Atienzas. So glad they were here this year! Last year, they were in Hawaii and missed the park celebration. Love you guys.}</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZFFYboxXxnkym5M-meAHZF4YLLhgbTiSEXBG3j-R-68aZiWlvcNoekbGFYnOAMrfDbyOJgGnRjpEzX5AXFbjdvCdR4apaBqK03EhIqrsG-pVe4GR2LdUFSQcdtjPbOkvdKoqwvapgJzD9/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZFFYboxXxnkym5M-meAHZF4YLLhgbTiSEXBG3j-R-68aZiWlvcNoekbGFYnOAMrfDbyOJgGnRjpEzX5AXFbjdvCdR4apaBqK03EhIqrsG-pVe4GR2LdUFSQcdtjPbOkvdKoqwvapgJzD9/s1600/unnamed.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
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{Ivy loves her Auntie Eileen}</div>
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**Now, here are some photos that were submitted to me to share. Photos of seed plantings for Vienne.**</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaaT-wLSIZVvF6g2q_H0CGeuQSnJwu4UICI62DkbzMSvPnCHMSrnJN98jDIYUwGuG007-3dAU6Rl5DTormfqJibKGtSv6MQlY7WXZckZbPISGnSigVUfiZbFocKKIEGGrnDygWJUwIClQU/s1600/10338309_10203806803921189_3950590013169662930_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaaT-wLSIZVvF6g2q_H0CGeuQSnJwu4UICI62DkbzMSvPnCHMSrnJN98jDIYUwGuG007-3dAU6Rl5DTormfqJibKGtSv6MQlY7WXZckZbPISGnSigVUfiZbFocKKIEGGrnDygWJUwIClQU/s1600/10338309_10203806803921189_3950590013169662930_n.jpg" height="275" width="400" /></a></div>
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*The Hernandez Boys*</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzYTbgtYBXCb8u8cHV31rFe0agdo26DTFXsmlwGpTMQ6wmz9AFoGYi-aNrCCrAll5aE07-N0nqPy3G6bcDmZn0Pc5XH8U0F_NSAVLZ1jTsHzeWh4mfkR8ELxDjoGkDZd0fDbMmKNGId8-I/s1600/10330467_10203806805561230_2362963731873832974_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzYTbgtYBXCb8u8cHV31rFe0agdo26DTFXsmlwGpTMQ6wmz9AFoGYi-aNrCCrAll5aE07-N0nqPy3G6bcDmZn0Pc5XH8U0F_NSAVLZ1jTsHzeWh4mfkR8ELxDjoGkDZd0fDbMmKNGId8-I/s1600/10330467_10203806805561230_2362963731873832974_n.jpg" height="400" width="292" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8v-KreEOnVtekoq23OvNqqVAhoWamjWlLuRSCB7BHnVj5kuaHBxHqzW5QHFlbI1oFHqHfvTpAf59Y1lHeYcxlztqGXvJHVK9EcLmWl2YymrYzJGEswwkzoaZoaDY8IJbmGhV9zCaUHV38/s1600/10255975_10203806804841212_3139340309864713201_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8v-KreEOnVtekoq23OvNqqVAhoWamjWlLuRSCB7BHnVj5kuaHBxHqzW5QHFlbI1oFHqHfvTpAf59Y1lHeYcxlztqGXvJHVK9EcLmWl2YymrYzJGEswwkzoaZoaDY8IJbmGhV9zCaUHV38/s1600/10255975_10203806804841212_3139340309864713201_n.jpg" height="400" width="292" /></a></div>
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***</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4pEuwg4j7iiK_PGDAOVfVDdF46tGMgyhRa67gFYSMQuPYxC6RWpmx2gfq0oCu_MU9CSRmLELuqYFZtlVVzkjlph71Bn8d567kBe4W4_QXmHvrGtcsaSaY8CJZtRKM264K9LXQLE2sdsN2/s1600/10334330_10152143699071961_8267860484918152573_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4pEuwg4j7iiK_PGDAOVfVDdF46tGMgyhRa67gFYSMQuPYxC6RWpmx2gfq0oCu_MU9CSRmLELuqYFZtlVVzkjlph71Bn8d567kBe4W4_QXmHvrGtcsaSaY8CJZtRKM264K9LXQLE2sdsN2/s1600/10334330_10152143699071961_8267860484918152573_n.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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*The Daggett Family**</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUf0xR4JebduaeV3kA2ukitACrLrPfUErGWnMUIZ2D-5GhFbb37f5_kjbHGeUOBKsw8Bzxbc-K49ySQxKAdCUwwvaro9n4jN6sUiVTgNfyHA5gcX7PIrXFkvSKIcJdeVzzCwnT34X41QCc/s1600/10268705_10152143699076961_7311795090069814955_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUf0xR4JebduaeV3kA2ukitACrLrPfUErGWnMUIZ2D-5GhFbb37f5_kjbHGeUOBKsw8Bzxbc-K49ySQxKAdCUwwvaro9n4jN6sUiVTgNfyHA5gcX7PIrXFkvSKIcJdeVzzCwnT34X41QCc/s1600/10268705_10152143699076961_7311795090069814955_n.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBl-DQ68y6e7DwwhMTWMSTMxDPOc7PyNZQtQ7MvMDeBaUQLYSNiNKDQPaGVFrlJXCf476PNQ_nYLOnLjgzkt-77KOFlCALcGY2YF5ogcCa_abMm05DUOwmGlgmFj4qKvqOBjPf74eXgmKO/s1600/10153853_10152143699066961_8272787494259380494_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBl-DQ68y6e7DwwhMTWMSTMxDPOc7PyNZQtQ7MvMDeBaUQLYSNiNKDQPaGVFrlJXCf476PNQ_nYLOnLjgzkt-77KOFlCALcGY2YF5ogcCa_abMm05DUOwmGlgmFj4qKvqOBjPf74eXgmKO/s1600/10153853_10152143699066961_8272787494259380494_n.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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***</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicE_XCka5Rs5aa1IRvAi9rUs1i1IP8-q_uBssDmm0sEIwMJH3h9VpjMBNRb_zBlUJ_doW6JkaqcNQa1mWongjA1JtEx1ppbHk_qSQlLW0P3HNy-ZHgBpUVe68v8WXE6lv9fVqrDk_QRgAN/s1600/1794735_10202910349813427_4473927369516932_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicE_XCka5Rs5aa1IRvAi9rUs1i1IP8-q_uBssDmm0sEIwMJH3h9VpjMBNRb_zBlUJ_doW6JkaqcNQa1mWongjA1JtEx1ppbHk_qSQlLW0P3HNy-ZHgBpUVe68v8WXE6lv9fVqrDk_QRgAN/s1600/1794735_10202910349813427_4473927369516932_n.jpg" height="400" width="265" /></a></div>
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*The Kerns Family*</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrnIYY2Ye9fAhyphenhyphen93oZAju1nBQ8cIx1IyWmVav8-KJstGwvS5gN0SJhZQu6cNOLjVQkHsqs5vtxzDvmEYkYdtsh-tBR9to1SyDdCfoxgV9s9__nSUi_sGg9SgFzsNc80vjqz-3YdhRTNTsC/s1600/1978651_10202910348773401_3803016809129533334_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrnIYY2Ye9fAhyphenhyphen93oZAju1nBQ8cIx1IyWmVav8-KJstGwvS5gN0SJhZQu6cNOLjVQkHsqs5vtxzDvmEYkYdtsh-tBR9to1SyDdCfoxgV9s9__nSUi_sGg9SgFzsNc80vjqz-3YdhRTNTsC/s1600/1978651_10202910348773401_3803016809129533334_n.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihyABMze_xPIJbJekIvpg5J_unSBptZDa39bgQEzL1T7HpMaz5VHgjNRulh2_-QW3rBBhHMUuPBjagwv8na6tLGdyAgFRGHLKIvYdnEv7-wstEy1R-4MHjkng1kjXNXQNFndDLe5oYuFLE/s1600/10154108_10202910354453543_5963613278768430571_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihyABMze_xPIJbJekIvpg5J_unSBptZDa39bgQEzL1T7HpMaz5VHgjNRulh2_-QW3rBBhHMUuPBjagwv8na6tLGdyAgFRGHLKIvYdnEv7-wstEy1R-4MHjkng1kjXNXQNFndDLe5oYuFLE/s1600/10154108_10202910354453543_5963613278768430571_n.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></div>
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*The Goetze Family*</div>
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*The Villalobos Family - another grieving family with a new angel in Heaven * </div>
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*The Miller Family*</div>
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*Laura Green*</div>
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*The Browns & The Stricklands*</div>
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*The Partridge House Preschool!*</div>
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*Pam & Ryan!*</div>
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*Maddy Pierson*</div>
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*David Piscitelli*</div>
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{Mark's brother, who couldn't make it down for the day so he visited the duck pond where he had taken Vienne and Elliott, one time, to feed the ducks. Revisiting an sweet old memory on her Birthday.}</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/-Ag3TD52vFE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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*Brittani Morton, Brittany Hill, Erin Cowen, & Cassie Boyd*</div>
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{A group of Vienne's friends and their mommies gathered at a nearby park and celebrated Vienne's birthday together. They released balloons and shared cupcakes. So sweet to my heart.}</div>
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THANK YOU TO EVERYONE, AGAIN, FOR TAKING THE TIME TO REMEMBER AND CELEBRATE VIENNE'S LIFE THIS YEAR. WE ARE SO THANKFUL FOR YOUR CONTINUED LOVE AND SUPPORT.</div>
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THIS KIND OF PARTICIPATION MEANS THE ABSOLUTE WORLD TO US. SERIOUSLY.</div>
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<span style="color: #6aa84f; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY SWEET GIRL.</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6aa84f; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>OH, I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS. STILL. ALWAYS. FOREVER. I WILL ACHE FOR YOU FOREVER…UNTIL I AM WITH YOU AGAIN. I LOVE YOU </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6aa84f; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #6aa84f; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>XOXOXO</b></i></span></div>
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<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-20146786563517077702014-04-28T20:33:00.000-07:002014-04-29T15:38:17.513-07:00Invitation: Vienne's 6th Birthday Remembrance <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioBfOYywdXZQsTLPrPrH0Xg6suD-u8aP_KI6kzZBLOBnRuQ4dV_85bV5vMPs8c0GhrWITy0SFlEgNbPoDNf5wB454yEU_wdRAC9keqJYQIiiYVsNtR1tEF46Gh5RoFdkKxBUerDCgAZUtd/s1600/at+grams+with+gifts+-+smile!.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioBfOYywdXZQsTLPrPrH0Xg6suD-u8aP_KI6kzZBLOBnRuQ4dV_85bV5vMPs8c0GhrWITy0SFlEgNbPoDNf5wB454yEU_wdRAC9keqJYQIiiYVsNtR1tEF46Gh5RoFdkKxBUerDCgAZUtd/s1600/at+grams+with+gifts+-+smile!.JPG" height="336" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">VIENNE'S NAME MEANS "<i>ALIVE AND FULL OF LIVE</i>".</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">AND, COINCIDENTALLY, SHE WAS BORN ON </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A DAY THAT CELEBRATES LIFE IN THE NEW</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">BUDS OF SPRING - MAY DAY.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PLEASE JOIN US THIS YEAT AS WE </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">CONTINUE OUR TRADITION OF SCATTERING</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">WILDFLOWER SEEDS, THIS</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><u><b>THURSDAY MAY 1</b></u></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>WHEREVER</i> YOU ARE AT -</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">WHETHER IT BE YOUR YARD, OUTSIDE OF YOUR WORK,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">OR A FAVORITE PARK. IF YOU DON'T MIND, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">PLEASE SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH US,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">EITHER PRIVATELY OR ON HERE.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">WE LOVE TO KNOW HOW PEOPLE TOOK A MOMENT</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">TO REMEMBER OUR GIRL. YOUR PARTICIPATION</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">IS A BIGGER GIFT THAN YOU COULD</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">EVER KNOW.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">THANK YOU!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">**Here is a glimpse at what transpired from last year's</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">celebration of Vienne's Life:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2013/05/viennes-may-day-celebration.html" target="_blank">Vienne's May Day Birthday Celebration of 2013</a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Here is a reflection of birthdays past:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2013/04/viennes-1st-birthday.html" target="_blank">First</a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2013/04/viennes-2nd-birthday.html" target="_blank">Second</a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2013/04/viennes-3rd-birthday.html" target="_blank">Third</a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2013/04/viennes-4th-and-last-birthday.html" target="_blank">Fourth</a></span></div>
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For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-75661961143658362422014-04-04T22:44:00.002-07:002014-04-04T22:44:53.131-07:00deja vu<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">The other morning, Ivy was sitting on the counter (like V always did) and she started just randomly rocking from side to side and singing "I wear…I wear…." in this sing-song tune….exactly like I've heard it before….somewhere. It was one of those frozen moments when I just stood and stared. I couldn't figure out where I had heard it from….or where she had heard it from…but I swear it sounded like Vienne singing through her. It actually kinda creeped me out for a sec. Then after a bit I finally realized that she must've heard it from a video of Vienne singing about her birthday. In the video, I asked V what she was going to wear to her 3rd birthday party and she didn't know so she just stammered and sang "I wear….I wear" (with her eyes looking up off to the side, like she was trying to figure it out)…and then I filled it in with "a party dress". So, Ivy saw this video like maybe a month ago?? Once. It is not a big part of the video and V is singing the entire way thru, so this line doesn't really stand out from the rest. Ivy has NEVER sung this before. But suddenly, she pulls it from her little memory and starts mimicking her sister to a T. Same voice. Same tune. Same inflections. Same position on the counter...</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">Crazy. Almost eery</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">Here is the video of Vienne (it is one I have shared before.)</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-33856551451918874802014-03-10T14:23:00.000-07:002014-04-28T18:06:46.265-07:00p t s dA while back, it was gently suggested to me that I may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I first heard this, I thought "well yeah, duh, of course I do. But what is there to do about it? Is there a point in labeling it?" I had previously allowed myself to believe that the symptoms that I suffer from each day are just part of my grief…they come hand in hand. Even though Mark does not struggle with any symptoms, I just chalked it up to the fact that we all grieve differently. This friend who suggested this to me (who is a very valid source on grief) responded by telling me that my grief can be separated from those PTSD symptoms - that they do not have to be my way of grieving…that I can still grieve without suffering so much in other ways.<br />
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This was a revelation to me. <br />
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Maybe it was a no-brainer, but this has been my only way of grieving and it is all that I know. Now, I have not been "officially" diagnosed with PTSD yet. My personal doctor has no doubt that I suffer from it, though. What exactly are the symptoms? I had to look them up. I suffer from every one listed, in one way or another. The symptoms are listed as such:<br />
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<strong style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;">1. Re-experiencing symptoms:</strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><br />
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<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating</li>
<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Bad dreams</li>
<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Frightening thoughts.</li>
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<strong style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;">2. Avoidance symptoms:</strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><br />
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<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience</li>
<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Feeling emotionally numb</li>
<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry</li>
<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past</li>
<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.</li>
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<strong style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;">3. Hyperarousal symptoms:</strong><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"> </span><br />
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<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Being easily startled</li>
<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Feeling tense or “on edge”</li>
<li class=" generic-container" style="box-sizing: border-box; min-height: 23.5px; padding-left: 26px;">Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.</li>
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If you have regularly read this blog, then you know that I have described most of these things, from time to time, in one way or another. I just never thought that they were something "to get fixed". </div>
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So, what do I do about this? I have (with my Mom's help) been researching therapists who specialize in the treatment of PTSD. We have narrowed it down to one…and I just have to make the call.</div>
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But I struggle to do so. I sit and stare at the phone number with my phone shaking in my hand and then I give up and move onto something else.</div>
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Why? Why am I hesitating so? I am fearful. These miserable things that I suffer with are the only way I know how to grieve…and grieving is what keeps me connected to Vienne. My head <i>knows</i> that I can be taught to grieve in a different way…without suffering such physical and psychological effects…but my heart does not. My heart is clinging to the misery. It is all I know. </div>
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For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-38297274606027178012014-02-17T13:45:00.000-08:002014-02-17T14:33:31.285-08:00{Home Video}: "You're a horse not a dog"This is one of my most favorite videos that I am sharing today. I replay it often. Well, I replay all of them quite regularly. But, this one especially touches my Mama heart in certain ways, for specific reasons. In this simple and fun video of us, as a family at home on a typical night, I am reminded of the kind of sister that Vienne was to Ivy. When I had the two of them both safely in my arms, in my life, it was all normal to me…it was all that I knew. Now that I see how young siblings often are with each other am I reminded of Vienne's extraordinary selfless-loving heart. We all know that it is typically difficult for a firstborn child to acclimate to the addition of a second child, a new sibling. It is normal and nothing is wrong with the reactions that occur. They are used to being the only child, with Mom and Dad's attention solely on them for all this time. Now this little Baby comes into the picture and steals all of that attention and care. And, this Baby makes noise and messes and pulls hair, grabs shirts and toys, and slobbers on everything. Who wouldn't be annoyed, right??<br />
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Vienne.<br />
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Vienne was NEVER once annoyed with her little sister. She was up early in the wee hours with me as I labored and brought her sister in the world. She was of the very select few to clap and laugh with joy when Ivy was brought up out of the water of the birthing tub. She sat by my side during my first nursing feeds with Ivy. She was the 3rd person to hold Ivy after Ivy was born. And, she never left our side in our care for her little Sister. I even remember that first time that Vienne got to hold Ivy…she was sitting in the rocking chair, in her blue jammies, and holding her brand new baby sister fresh from the womb, full of wonderment and awe. The pictures we have are priceless. And, among those precious photos is Ivy's first grab of Vienne's hair. What is Vienne doing? What was her reaction? She smiled and leaned her head forward toward her sister, with the pull…she drew towards her baby sister, rather than yanking away. Always.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbaNKHeZJWrAHo9iJmjVZ4A03DeRMbtuW-dgjOvH978iJKBBAFS291ZJfZRttMoAf3QEhLVxkie-BovwJ0t0z54HGZZF_-drTbeOr4CttousQXTMU0voekD_4V0j8-eaNTyiIeFCgxGCot/s1600/DSCF4992.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbaNKHeZJWrAHo9iJmjVZ4A03DeRMbtuW-dgjOvH978iJKBBAFS291ZJfZRttMoAf3QEhLVxkie-BovwJ0t0z54HGZZF_-drTbeOr4CttousQXTMU0voekD_4V0j8-eaNTyiIeFCgxGCot/s1600/DSCF4992.JPG" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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And, that is also what you see in this video. Mark is holding 4-5 month old Ivy who is riding on Vienne's back. Vienne is playing "horsey" - one of her recent favorite imagination "roles" to play. And, all through the "ride" Ivy is unintentionally yet instinctively grabbing Vienne's hair. I have witnessed little siblings grabbing at older sibling's hair….and almost EVERY time there is an anger/annoyance reaction from the older sibling. But, you see here how Vienne just went with it. If you listen carefully, you will hear her pause and say "ow" very quietly….but that's it. No whining, no anger, no "tattling". By the end of the ride, you will see Mark pulling a handful of hair from Ivy's tight grasp. Wow. <br />
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It's a simple video. But I see so much of Vienne's character in it and it makes me well with tears just dwelling on it. This is how she was ALWAYS. When Ivy cried, Vienne never got annoyed that it was louder than her movie…or that it was annoying or whatever…she would run to Ivy's side and sing her a song (usually the ABCs). She NEVER displayed behavioral challenges immediately following Ivy's birth. She never balked when I had to leave her alone to put Ivy down for a nap or to nurse her. Of course, I even look back on those first few months as a new mother to two (which is soo challenging to acclimate to!) and I often wonder if I could've done a better job of giving Vienne more attention. I'm sure all new mothers to two children wonder this. But I think back especially to how patient and seemingly understanding Vienne was and I regret. She deserved more from me….she was so sweet and compliant…but all I ever demanded was that she be even more quiet. Foolish.<br />
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I have said it before. Vienne is perfection in my eyes. I want to be like her. <br />
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I am so so so far from it.<br />
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Here is Ivy's Big Sister playing horsey with her…..<br />
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(Oh and don't you love my commentary?!! geesh, I am so snippy and bossy sometimes…."You're a horse, not a dog". <i>What???</i> Yeah, sometimes I hate listening to myself on these videos. Oh well, just laugh at me! But, Vienne is still so obedient…she stops bucking her head back when I remind her to watch her head…even if I am a ruiner of the fun!</div>
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But, on another note…..I am also reminded of how this was the first time we heard Ivy belly laugh like this! She was SO IN LOVE with her Big Sister. Her belly laughs in this video are THE BEST. )</div>
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I miss the complete Family that I was once blessed with. This dream-come-true that filled 8 short months of my life….8 months of two beautiful little girls, completing our family.</div>
For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-34188903085625788222014-01-24T13:24:00.000-08:002014-02-17T09:33:08.189-08:00Mama's Heart Updates ~ 1/24/14So, I figured I'd jot down how I've been doing lately. I view this blog as sometimes writing to readers, but most times as a way to record my memories, special moments, and phases of this wretched grief process so that I can always look back on where I've been. <br />
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To put it plainly: I do not enjoy blogging right now, though. Still. <br />
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I have turned very inward. Mostly because I feel the same…yet, maybe a bit darker even. I think "depressed" could be an accurate term for me. Though, you probably wouldn't know it if you saw me. I am not typically a "woe is me" type of person. This is the place where I spill my woes…and I even avoid it on here lately. <br />
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My anxiety keeps me home and unsocialized…as does the fear of this horrid flu that is going around. "Knock on wood" we have not caught it yet. I am very diligent and proactive about immune system building. But, as you know, we have EVERY reason in the world to fear the flu virus. I have read that there have been 7 deaths from this flu in just the Portland area! Wow. I have not been able to find any information on whether myocarditis was documented, but I highly suspect that it had to be the cause of at least some of the deaths. Horrible.<br />
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When people ask me how I am I say that I am "surviving". It's the best I can say. It's the best I can do. Ivy distracts me enough during the "on" hours of the day when she is awake. While I am with her I do not have the opportunity to dwell on my darkness…which is good. I muster fake smiles when out in public. When Ivy naps or goes to bed I overstimulate my mind with the computer (Pinterest or Facebook or research or blogs) along with some stupid show in the background. I used to love to read. I hate it now. Too much opportunity for my mind to wander to dark things. I struggle to get to sleep at night. I will lay in bed for up to an hour playing a mindless game on my phone until my eyes can no longer stay open. It is the only way I can fall asleep. If I just lay there, I will be haunted by recurring images of that nightmare of a morning…the last one I spent with my Precious Vienne. And, that will lead me into a downward spiral of bad thoughts. I can't let myself go there.<br />
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I am still struggling spiritually. Actually, to put it more accurately - I am avoiding almost all things "spiritual". We do still try to attend our church every now and again, though. We love our church. We love our "family" there. But, sermons are very difficult for me to sit through. I have a skeptical doubting thought about almost everything that is taught. I still do not trust God. How am I to learn to trust Him again? I do not know the answer to that one. And, therefore, I am very uncomfortable with the topic of prayer. ….which, I think I've decided I will write about, solely, in another blog post.<br />
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My health was starting to get worse over the past few months, as well. I have dropped over 20 pounds off my small frame since Vienne passed away. That was not an intentional or necessary weight loss. It's been very difficult for my doctor to determine what exactly has been causing my maladies. I finally went in for a colonoscopy a few weeks ago. Fun times, fun times. And, they found nothing. Nothing! So shocking. We thought for sure that they would find signs of Crohns Disease or Ulcerative Colitis. But, nope. My doctor is sure now that my sick body has been a result of my grief and anxiety. Crazy, right? Crazy how that can be translated to the physical. <br />
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My anxiety has been so bad that I just cannot handle much. Why am I not on meds? Well, for one, I am not comfortable with meds. But, two, I am also still nursing Ivy. Because she and I enjoy it. But, my anxiety has definitely taken a severe dip from last year. I feel that I can no longer control it now, in front of others. It is palpable when I am in a group setting. I feel like my exterior is all just a cracked shell and I am constantly and relentlessly trying to keep all the cracked pieces in place but it is so hard and so impossible. Then, one little itty bitty tiny misstep or trip or bump causes me to lose hold of those precariously placed pieces. And, I fall apart. And, then I feel ashamed and guilty. So guilty that I made a mess everywhere - spilling my brokenness all over the place. So guilty that I may have disrupted the moment or the mood. And, I am full of emphatic apology as I quickly try to sweep it all back up and put it all back into place. I do not know what else to do or how else to manage it. But no wonder my stomach is a wreck.<br />
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Mark and I are doing well, together. He is my safety, my strength, and my ultimate support. This man just knows me. And, I am so thankful that I have a safe place in him when I am going through an anxious episode. He never takes anything personally. Ever. When he senses that I am anxious, he will gently and quietly rub my back, whisper in my ear that I am doing a great job, and he will take Ivy or help me out with whatever I am struggling with. He helps to calm me.<br />
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We have taken a break from counseling. I feel the "whys" screaming at me, already, through the computer. Let me explain. I know that everyone believes that we should be in counseling…me, especially. But, why? I have discovered that is encouraged by many because deep down everyone wants to be able to help me in some way. They realize that they can't…but suggesting or encouraging counseling is something that they can offer. But, you go to counseling to get fixed, for the most part. …to fix a broken relationship….to fix a shattered self-worth…to fix emotional issues resulting from abuse or….etc. You know. But, I started to realize, while in counseling, that this is something that cannot be fixed. After time, I started to get frustrated that our counselor rarely offered advice or suggestions for things to try. But, then I also realized that if he had, I would have been irritated and offended. You can't offer advice to fix grief over a dead child. That broken heart is just one of the few things that cannot be "fixed". And, even my resulting symptoms I've developed from my grief cannot yet be fixed. It's too early. My anxiety is normal and understandable…he knew that I need to go through this and not squelch it. Every single feeling that I expressed to him, he would reply back with "well, yes, that seems very understandable". It certainly SUCKS what I am feeling and going through…but at the same time, feeling the opposite would be horrifying and weird. Calm and happy? One year after my child died? Um. No. Maybe it would be appropriate to seek further help if I am still depressed in a few years…but right now, I realized that it was kind of pointless. He was just a listening ear to talk to. I can do that with people in my life. Did any of this make sense?<br />
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This is where I'm at. Not so pretty. I don't feel so great inside. I still need support and love. I know it is a struggle for people to know what to say. But, let me say something loud and clear:<br />
<b>SAYING SOMETHING IS OFTEN BETTER THAN IGNORING ME COMPLETELY.</b><br />
Well, that's just awkward for everyone…and, gosh, just not very kind. Yes. Yes. There are the stupid things that could be said….like what is shared in <a href="http://networkedblogs.com/T3YOE" target="_blank">this blog post</a>. But, if you really cared and really had a heart for our situation, you would know not to say such thoughtless things. Those are things you say to someone when you are not really thinking…when you are not invested. (Thank you to the "Anonymous Reader" who shared that link, by the way.)<br />
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Thank you for being here for me as I wade through this muck. <br />
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{here is a silly cute picture of my darling Ivy, wearing a face that shares how I feel. ;)}</div>
<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com37tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-4566445521199603842014-01-13T20:11:00.000-08:002014-02-17T13:53:15.887-08:00Ivy turns 2 <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Our precious Ivy Lynnae turned 2 yesterday, January 12. Two years old. My second baby Girl is two years old!</div>
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And, let me tell you - this little Girl is one amazing treasure. Mark and I are <i>constantly </i>in awe of her. There will often be a moment, almost once a day, where Mark and I will look at each other and silently shake our heads and smile in wonderment over how gentle, meticulous, careful, sharing, mindful, loving, affectionate, sensitive, and insightful she is. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?</div>
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I just think she is one of the cutest little girls ever…</div>
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Here is a list of some of Ivy's favorite things:</div>
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<u>Food:</u> Zucchini! (which she excitedly calls "keeny"), any fish, chicken sausage, bananas, and Grammy's apple sauce (which she calls "awesome sauce). She's not very interested in sweets. She is an excellent eater and enjoys most vegetables. She is very well-fed.</div>
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<u>Toys:</u> Her play kitchen. She cooks for us every single day. Her baby dolls. And a new Little People Bus she just got.</div>
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<u>Books:</u> <i>Biscuit </i>(a series of stories about a little girl and her puppy). And, Beatrix Potter books - she can't sit still through reading them but loves the pictures and calls them all "guck guck dis" (which translates as "duck duck goose) because of the duck on the inside of the covers.</div>
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<u>Bedtime Lovey:</u> her "baa-baa" - a teeny tiny plush white lamb. </div>
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<u>Clothes:</u> a pair of one-piece footed zip up jammies in pale blue with little yellow ducks. They are the only jammies I have let her wear out to the store. She would wear these every day.</div>
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<u>Animals:</u> Elephants (she calls them "elesants" because she pronounces "f" sounds as "s" sounds…try to keep track of that one!). Owls (called "hoo hoos"). Donkeys ("hee haws" - she loves Eeyore). And, doggies ("woof woofs").</div>
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<u>Movies:</u> "Winnie the Pooh"</div>
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<u>Songs:</u> "Wheels on the Bus", "If you're happy and you know it", "ABCs".</div>
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<u>Cute things she says and does:</u> *Like I mentioned, she pronounces "f" as "s", which can be tricky when interpreting. She says "elesant!" and then lifts her chin and tries to make an elephant sound whenever she sees one. </div>
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*When she leaves the room, she runs and looks over her shoulder and says "bye, see ya!"</div>
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*"Dono" = dino, "murse" = nurse, "gink" = drink</div>
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*She asks to hug and cuddle a lot (oh melt my heart) = she says "cu-yo" and cradles her arms like she's holding a baby and swings back and forth.</div>
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*When she gets very excited and is trying to tell me all about something, she starts to play with her hair with both hands. </div>
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*Ivy LOVES stars. Yes, it is because we have Vienne's star in many places. Because both Mark and I have a tattoo of Vienne's star on our forearms, Ivy requests that we draw a star on her hand every few days. Once it's worn off, she will ask for a fresh new drawing on each hand. It's pretty cute. I have no problem with her getting a tattoo of her sister's star when she's of age.</div>
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*She is very in tune to emotions when she is watching a show. She will point and say "Pooh sad" in a very sad voice and seem like she is all worried. She does not like it when any character is sad.</div>
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*She is a major perfectionist….<i>major</i>. She has to push drawers in all the way…she will fix the drawers I left partly open in the kitchen. When cleaning up (which she's not <i>always</i> in to), she will make sure that every last piece is picked up and put away. All buttons must be buttoned on her cardigans. </div>
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*She has a weird thing with her feet - she hates them being touched and insists on wearing socks all the time. When we change her clothes she is emphatic about putting the socks on first. </div>
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*She loves to play with water. I will give her a cup half full of water and an empty bowl and she will pour the water back and forth between the two. She is pretty accurate and meticulous about it. She takes care of her spills by running to get a towel. </div>
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*She likes her food separated on the plate, of course. She is very aware when she drops a morsel of food on her shirt or the floor. (You'd think this all came from us! I mean, sure, we are neat and tidy people, obviously,….but we do not force it upon our children nor even expect it in the slightest. But…goodness, it developed naturally in both girls.)</div>
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For this birthday, I jumped in with both feet and threw her a fun Classic Pooh themed party. I love to craft and create (as you've probably seen in posts about Vienne's birthday parties) and so I was excited to get back into it, this year for Ivy. The planning of the party is what is fun for me…all the creative details…but actually doing the party, now that's another story. Very difficult on my nerves right now. But, it is worth it for my girl. Everyone had a wonderful time. It was a lovely little party and I believe our Baby Girl enjoyed herself. </div>
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Here are some photos from the evening ~</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr4hKY9TIb5JfwW9nRDE-FH3sIa7F_IJJjwOrOmUEc_AfapXrMa6UWquPCPkKogXjgj7NpqYZWqyOrVaT52-_Z3d_pVI2t8x00o6YorTXWpKhsItDQF656BSwbh4TkEt2B-U-Poh1TvV7l/s1600/DSC05557.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr4hKY9TIb5JfwW9nRDE-FH3sIa7F_IJJjwOrOmUEc_AfapXrMa6UWquPCPkKogXjgj7NpqYZWqyOrVaT52-_Z3d_pVI2t8x00o6YorTXWpKhsItDQF656BSwbh4TkEt2B-U-Poh1TvV7l/s400/DSC05557.jpg" height="400" width="225" /></a></div>
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Welcome to Ivy's 100 Aker Wood party</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzprbPFWu-RelEczPCODNUzmljDzv4llHWvXFqJzEKP9YxfzqcQ1xEFmqQatY669jDw88KrIIvvOMEiHJS2ynbjtwbQu3v_2jizzdXs7MqH1NPrTyjQ1sqBprFKr664EAgd0RlN9l-B497/s1600/DSC05568.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzprbPFWu-RelEczPCODNUzmljDzv4llHWvXFqJzEKP9YxfzqcQ1xEFmqQatY669jDw88KrIIvvOMEiHJS2ynbjtwbQu3v_2jizzdXs7MqH1NPrTyjQ1sqBprFKr664EAgd0RlN9l-B497/s400/DSC05568.JPG" height="183" width="400" /></a></div>
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burlap bunting banner with sparkly little honey bees and a star in the middle because Ivy loves stars.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTV5GxwbiZ3OV0tEaVzLJ6pYMBxA5bkhKuyM3KRJNklEYt_NbXss4FY-rbR7zjyTRtl7rh3DvfFK5MowYijVQEx1Fmh0I56jn8EgYnE1jbMpu64nXHxOqSr-VB-Px8Z4je0NHTNZV1tVwk/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv849-%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2637358623255ot1lsi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTV5GxwbiZ3OV0tEaVzLJ6pYMBxA5bkhKuyM3KRJNklEYt_NbXss4FY-rbR7zjyTRtl7rh3DvfFK5MowYijVQEx1Fmh0I56jn8EgYnE1jbMpu64nXHxOqSr-VB-Px8Z4je0NHTNZV1tVwk/s400/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv849-%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2637358623255ot1lsi.jpeg" height="297" width="400" /></a></div>
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honey bees</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN3AOa5WjqfES3SeWeJYJXILntzV2rQni5c2zSFZcYW09I1MBGGrTWokyKY5mQ6ALEGNlhNT5tKuig4z6KHz1YR2dpFrqbmqIRBOLPWvAlCBBqigRNwDTNAAYOL6BrG44a1XFZ8FND8KJu/s1600/DSC05583.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN3AOa5WjqfES3SeWeJYJXILntzV2rQni5c2zSFZcYW09I1MBGGrTWokyKY5mQ6ALEGNlhNT5tKuig4z6KHz1YR2dpFrqbmqIRBOLPWvAlCBBqigRNwDTNAAYOL6BrG44a1XFZ8FND8KJu/s400/DSC05583.JPG" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
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The spread. I wish the photo was better. This was the best we got. I colored the map of the 100 Aker Wood that I had printed at Staples. Used twinkle lit trees from my and my mom's Christmas decor and stuck more sparkly little honey bees all over the tree branches. Printed and framed some simple Classic Pooh images from the internet. Found a cute porcelain Pooh figurine at Goodwill. "Hunny" labels for simple clay pots. Moss and pine cones. And, scored some pieces of wood and logs with tea light holes from my sister in law, who just threw her girlfriend a Pooh Baby shower. Oh, and of course, the classic one blue balloon.</div>
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"Hunny" pots filled with honey sticks and homemade honey marshmallows, dusted in cocoa powder. I stuck the marshmallows on candy sticks and wrapped them in little cellophane bags.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9jmNAGZD7UepQldNAHpVvnfRWjhAL6gTH8AaJYad3cZUqS1zya-5QpvYl4G4Yrv6kL5Yk6a8u15npuFLoNEY3nMlkhqB6puitR2b4zMigos9HacUyt5klf8QVj8qCqiz5BIQSDp0k0HUb/s1600/DSC05572.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9jmNAGZD7UepQldNAHpVvnfRWjhAL6gTH8AaJYad3cZUqS1zya-5QpvYl4G4Yrv6kL5Yk6a8u15npuFLoNEY3nMlkhqB6puitR2b4zMigos9HacUyt5klf8QVj8qCqiz5BIQSDp0k0HUb/s400/DSC05572.JPG" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXT0urpKeXRciV7HD8zhciy-nd7pZMisfLbmnz6Jy0tXEb4FOGImCRHVoa9RGcrN4MVsmb2M4JEgJ8Q1sb5HaHNWsxbjtN9uRhNEmO99MOnNWphv1xzg4p3bdAWKcvfCZBbA8iJbly0ndq/s1600/DSC05577.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXT0urpKeXRciV7HD8zhciy-nd7pZMisfLbmnz6Jy0tXEb4FOGImCRHVoa9RGcrN4MVsmb2M4JEgJ8Q1sb5HaHNWsxbjtN9uRhNEmO99MOnNWphv1xzg4p3bdAWKcvfCZBbA8iJbly0ndq/s400/DSC05577.JPG" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
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The beehive cupcakes. I tried my best at these. I found an image on Pinterest that I was trying to copy. Cut and made the honeycomb printed wrappers. Grain free chocolate cupcakes with homemade toasted honey marshmallow cream topping. The toasted marshmallow topping was supposed to look swirled like a beehive…but the kitchen torch kinda melted the swirling. And, they were each topped with a sugared honey bee - which were the only things on the entire cupcake that was sugar - everything else was made with honey.</div>
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Ivy's cupcake with two hand-dipped bees wax candles.</div>
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Mark torching the marshmallow cream.</div>
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Pooh bear ears for everyone.</div>
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My little Birthday girl! Isn't her dress darling? It was handmade for her by a sweet friend of ours. This was the perfect occasion to wear it with her vintage black granny boots.</div>
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The drink station with coffee, tea, and homemade honey-mint lemonade. Phew I went through a LOT of honey!</div>
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For dinner, we served Ivy's favorite meal - fresh caught salmon (caught by her Grandpa Tom), roasted zucchini and carrots, and herbed brown rice. It was simple, easy, yet delish.</div>
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Utensils, napkins, and birch tree straws.</div>
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Kids' tables with easy mess-free crafts.</div>
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sticker scenes and paper dolls.</div>
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Owl's Tree Howse sign, leading up to the fort in our loft.</div>
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At the top of the stairs, you have to crawl through the entrance to the "tree house" fort.</div>
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Inside, sheets were hung and draped about and mattresses on the floor for jumping. It was a major hit.</div>
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Cute Daddy.</div>
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Beautiful Birthday Girl</div>
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Gifties</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtxleRm8Ro5bCfn-ap1l7xtElO8hw66Yi_nLn4m4O11Mur7fyAtaGWsnbXWqtRKwKSCeWVa4H7E_gM502TeaIEq7d7UTq_bF7rWG6F3p8ujwIzioMEaO0xjmDr6NGCWxpgHSO1nX_3Frt3/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv4-4-%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E263735862-255ot1lsi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtxleRm8Ro5bCfn-ap1l7xtElO8hw66Yi_nLn4m4O11Mur7fyAtaGWsnbXWqtRKwKSCeWVa4H7E_gM502TeaIEq7d7UTq_bF7rWG6F3p8ujwIzioMEaO0xjmDr6NGCWxpgHSO1nX_3Frt3/s400/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv4-4-%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E263735862-255ot1lsi.jpeg" height="400" width="290" /></a></div>
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well…it's a dino rocker, of course! From Uncle David, Auntie Kinsey, and Cousins Elliott and Charlie.</div>
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She LOVED the owl clips that went with a darling outfit, from Uncle Jeff, Auntie Eileen, and cousins Ella and Faith.</div>
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She Also loved the awesome nordic Naartje boots she is wearing on one foot from Uncle Setth, Auntie Lacey, & cousins Caleb and Kai.</div>
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A new Pooh movie and a plush Eeyore toy from Grammy (or "Amma" as Ivy calls her)</div>
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I made her a sweater.</div>
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cake, candles, and song.</div>
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Cross-eyed wonder!! haha. She LOVED the song and blowing out candles and asked for it over and over. We sang and relit a few times.</div>
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Us.</div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;">HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PRECIOUS BABY GIRL. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;">I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER EVER KNOW.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;">YOU ARE MY HEART AND MY EVERY BREATH…YOU AND YOUR SISTER.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;">xoxoxo</span></div>
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<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-61265193604328095502014-01-13T19:47:00.002-08:002014-02-17T14:38:09.257-08:00Christmas 2013Well, we made it through our second Christmas since Vienne passed away…but it was the first Christmas that we actually celebrated since, without her (we skipped it last year). <br />
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I know I have been so inconsistent with this blog, lately. And, I know that I keep saying that, as well. ;) I think I am struggling with some depression when it comes to my grief and facing this blog doesn't help that depression. But, at the same time, I battle with guilt that I need to keep this blog going for Vienne. This is one of my few ways that I get to still be her mother…to care for something for her. I just don't feel that I have anything good to contribute, as of late. I feel that I would dishonor this with all the negativity that flies through my head, when I let myself dwell on my grief. Blech….<br />
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Phew…anyway. <br />
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Christmas.<br />
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Here is a recap of our December for you, in pictures. <3<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjONGuHo6bcqff7UsN1Er_SDLDES-0tPgpzW-AdySAo9m3BXcqn1gSyo2QJ04qEbsoCtDjdDJQ2jOCYIOvQl6Nsil6U8vQb1UeehMjo4Jnuvp0gz0dDtOoKq7XBxFqlF-Trl1wpQL7pXlO-/s1600/232323232%7Ffp83232%3Euqcshlukaxroqdfv3663=ot%3E6-43=3;7=346=XROQDF%3E262;282438255ot1lsi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjONGuHo6bcqff7UsN1Er_SDLDES-0tPgpzW-AdySAo9m3BXcqn1gSyo2QJ04qEbsoCtDjdDJQ2jOCYIOvQl6Nsil6U8vQb1UeehMjo4Jnuvp0gz0dDtOoKq7XBxFqlF-Trl1wpQL7pXlO-/s1600/232323232%7Ffp83232%3Euqcshlukaxroqdfv3663=ot%3E6-43=3;7=346=XROQDF%3E262;282438255ot1lsi.jpeg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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(Ivy's first trip to a Christmas Tree farm. We visited the farm that we last went to with Vienne, 2 years prior.)</div>
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(Just had to include this picture because of her precious priceless belly-laugh smile. How can you not love it??)</div>
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(Our new place all decked out in Christmas festive ware.)</div>
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(I made a new tree topper star - a copy of Vienne's star)</div>
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(traditionally, I am a bit of a Christmas spazz - this is my snowman and Santa collection. I started the collection for Vienne's first Christmas. This was the first year that Ivy got to appreciate it.)</div>
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(Mark and Ivy opening a 12 Days of Christmas countdown gift, from Kinsey. She sent us 12 dinosaur books to open during the countdown. It was very special.)</div>
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(Mark and Ivy reading one of the dino books. I love how they are conversing in this pic)</div>
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(A sweet friend surprised us with this darling gift in the mail - a teal dinosaur tea light holder. Ivy loved it)</div>
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(Another Vienne-themed gift - T-Rex inspired Nikes for kids! Some of our dearest friends, Jeff and Eileen, gave these to Ivy. Jeff designs shoes at Nike. He saw this new design coming out and immediately new what they were going to give Ivy for Christmas. They even included a copy of the designers drawings of the shoe and T-rex. Even in Vienne's colors! How perfect are they??? …Ivy is blowing Jeff and Eileen and their girls kisses in this photo. {we had to try them on over her jammies, we were just too excited.})</div>
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(We visited the Alpenrose Dairy Christmas town. This is us with my sis, Kate and cousin Miri.)</div>
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(Christmas morning in our jammies - the photos from my phone uploaded all blurry on my computer. Poo)</div>
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(my tiny little dotty Christmas baby)</div>
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(the boys in 'staches. Step-brothers-in-law…etc.)</div>
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brothers-in-law being total doofs. It's so great to have guys married into the family that get along like brothers.)</div>
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(Uncle J and Ivy)</div>
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(Mom and Kate opening gifts I made, inspired by Vienne, while I nurse Ivy under the blanket.)</div>
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(Ornaments my mom had made for me. Each one has a picture of Vienne from each of her Christmases with us)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6KIavekBSjL6EuxHJhi7XReHqVM0bhlFKcmSi2VYPEoo1U1_O5_Zxs3sIuVIZPn9bcod6jg4ZyMX2MVrl3a9Mm0Eusmyc-xzNlNgPxAVOQUGMD0kw-kZB_NqV0iGWwO9-FRuLGVrJP82h/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv5%253C3-%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2633858739255ot1lsi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6KIavekBSjL6EuxHJhi7XReHqVM0bhlFKcmSi2VYPEoo1U1_O5_Zxs3sIuVIZPn9bcod6jg4ZyMX2MVrl3a9Mm0Eusmyc-xzNlNgPxAVOQUGMD0kw-kZB_NqV0iGWwO9-FRuLGVrJP82h/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv5%253C3-%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2633858739255ot1lsi.jpeg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
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Miri sporting the blue and green dino hat that I made for her.)</div>
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(Grammy and Ivy Christmas morning cuddles)</div>
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(little girls bundled and waiting to go on a Christmas afternoon family walk)</div>
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(siblings and babies)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgic8ndqH-RdWvrU3iSkjH2MLnueWrWNXMnLppZnBDpmXrlZ2wkiIB5q_cS58tI4fwry4Bw9ihxnTpvhyphenhyphenns6mgc-76lK_fHbJMG_MoYBCamCu6Okl9tj2raSnqOGqfHWDyeIESvNg4ZO4no/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv6378%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2633858723255ot1lsi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgic8ndqH-RdWvrU3iSkjH2MLnueWrWNXMnLppZnBDpmXrlZ2wkiIB5q_cS58tI4fwry4Bw9ihxnTpvhyphenhyphenns6mgc-76lK_fHbJMG_MoYBCamCu6Okl9tj2raSnqOGqfHWDyeIESvNg4ZO4no/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv6378%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2633858723255ot1lsi.jpeg" height="400" width="297" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUTt6-KKe953NZ-LeViyhtAPfyhTAp5TzgaqQR-JWYYEj9TqvWIuovPfGPAfVqUSF973t6-UAaijY7H49t16O3TdcNyu7wjxwiv8YHH-CQoi2ZisQVwOdAmAPXMHHgn8l41yxRfJEDgeyy/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv9%253C4%253C%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2633858734255ot1lsi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUTt6-KKe953NZ-LeViyhtAPfyhTAp5TzgaqQR-JWYYEj9TqvWIuovPfGPAfVqUSF973t6-UAaijY7H49t16O3TdcNyu7wjxwiv8YHH-CQoi2ZisQVwOdAmAPXMHHgn8l41yxRfJEDgeyy/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv9%253C4%253C%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2633858734255ot1lsi.jpeg" height="400" width="297" /></a></div>
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(I just like this pic because of the connectedness - Katy holding Miri's hand, Grandpa holding Ivy's hand, and Mark pulling the wagon.)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-6Wu2J2SH8fQoKiMvxxWyrJ77PkVIvZkzn5muHCbgImLI-kAdxpTfNk7jC3DbEEIdZD74d2NtPfIGCoWU1actGrTS74tn0jgB1MXURuMdQ_xThAxbe2jJZR29R8pZqrXLARdecmvq24Ot/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv9%253B78%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E263385872%253B255ot1lsi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-6Wu2J2SH8fQoKiMvxxWyrJ77PkVIvZkzn5muHCbgImLI-kAdxpTfNk7jC3DbEEIdZD74d2NtPfIGCoWU1actGrTS74tn0jgB1MXURuMdQ_xThAxbe2jJZR29R8pZqrXLARdecmvq24Ot/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv9%253B78%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E263385872%253B255ot1lsi.jpeg" height="400" width="245" /></a></div>
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(there's that joyful grin of hers)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQAN-Ri34ADoqc0C4_c3R5H4z9OKJ_aDkFDXdnINm6d1neVxrUOgC0J_4meYtYtuLC7oE7NKHHMoeD-TYdILud7BdqqPGykcgQg3fdIWj9PlhOn_4fMl50EQcYA81zZJUjZB-iO_Ls4MTO/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv455%253Enu%253D7952%253E2%253C6%253E255%253EWSNRCG%253D3542949634346nu0mrj.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQAN-Ri34ADoqc0C4_c3R5H4z9OKJ_aDkFDXdnINm6d1neVxrUOgC0J_4meYtYtuLC7oE7NKHHMoeD-TYdILud7BdqqPGykcgQg3fdIWj9PlhOn_4fMl50EQcYA81zZJUjZB-iO_Ls4MTO/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv455%253Enu%253D7952%253E2%253C6%253E255%253EWSNRCG%253D3542949634346nu0mrj.jpeg" height="400" width="271" /></a></div>
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(I just love these next 3 photos of Ivy and Grammy together. Both are so beautiful. You wouldn't believe my Mama is almost 57 would you??!)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEionscuSwN7napgFNOFssuXzLkEHSt4zUVEcIIwim04hfkpEuoavbvFh2HNizD0lsVLSQUyuCZhKgeIFVWlYUHykzqFUf7sdTztEOx1VE69WnuK-sqG4RrBM-bVRoLZXn-hMWNjbfSxrlgL/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv%253B874%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2633858724255ot1lsi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEionscuSwN7napgFNOFssuXzLkEHSt4zUVEcIIwim04hfkpEuoavbvFh2HNizD0lsVLSQUyuCZhKgeIFVWlYUHykzqFUf7sdTztEOx1VE69WnuK-sqG4RrBM-bVRoLZXn-hMWNjbfSxrlgL/s1600/232323232%257Ffp83232%253Euqcshlukaxroqdfv%253B874%253Dot%253E6-43%253D3%253B7%253D346%253DXROQDF%253E2633858724255ot1lsi.jpeg" height="400" width="252" /></a></div>
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(oh those eyes of Ivy's)</div>
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The following photos are of the things I made for everyone, in remembrance of Vienne~</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyHw96r7tQVgakZuxy1iWKjCPUg97qothk1PXt1nAP_zX7cjpDW07SS7uHCwVd-FxgzZVzrRqZUIJipW-N78sxIvDY_FYFUel28DKJcql9YB5-XRzePcRqOVbWV-omHOaYBCr3_0gD31Nv/s1600/1520823_759498720731019_1168096525_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyHw96r7tQVgakZuxy1iWKjCPUg97qothk1PXt1nAP_zX7cjpDW07SS7uHCwVd-FxgzZVzrRqZUIJipW-N78sxIvDY_FYFUel28DKJcql9YB5-XRzePcRqOVbWV-omHOaYBCr3_0gD31Nv/s1600/1520823_759498720731019_1168096525_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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(here is a pic of my sweet *nieces*, Faith and Ella, wearing the dino hats that I made them for Christmas. So flipping cute!)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXRi0B1g4Qu030oAGJYShrFolLnPYncLsUHgHivrbUKWgewZXOcDXLJ7vhOar2jdciQa10AUdo3KYhupEZ3Pn5R8-HYKFDGyvgTEgwLsk7iJ-a0a6losLdWoIKzpyi7lUNatZ2tXBxkE3t/s1600/DSC05526.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXRi0B1g4Qu030oAGJYShrFolLnPYncLsUHgHivrbUKWgewZXOcDXLJ7vhOar2jdciQa10AUdo3KYhupEZ3Pn5R8-HYKFDGyvgTEgwLsk7iJ-a0a6losLdWoIKzpyi7lUNatZ2tXBxkE3t/s1600/DSC05526.jpg" height="400" width="232" /></a></div>
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(this is the ornament that I made for everyone in our family. Vienne's star. It was made with a wire that was wrapped with wooden raffia and then sprayed with gold glitter.)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI39C8W_skMOPmyK5apy8jdg_U2rDgKwvh_xUFUqe-vNFVSYbbDe-ZiOqt_57-_j5U9xg5SnRooX78yYJwvatU9MwNcw_RF-0WR_Zd_9gmvEVZPfk7bq7RLY9YmC3LlZ_1YEVCxkbnRKMt/s1600/DSC05528.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI39C8W_skMOPmyK5apy8jdg_U2rDgKwvh_xUFUqe-vNFVSYbbDe-ZiOqt_57-_j5U9xg5SnRooX78yYJwvatU9MwNcw_RF-0WR_Zd_9gmvEVZPfk7bq7RLY9YmC3LlZ_1YEVCxkbnRKMt/s1600/DSC05528.JPG" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
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(I also made this glass ornament with a black and white photo of Vienne kissing a snowman, and filled with "snow")</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxYNvNegpu95mZxrHFCMWlKOtF2-GWOm6lueNpF9hlKQOUlDfQFOTICmkyBHchgzAjUF7xHVw-71KHds2VRls3ZVwSBk5RkblPm_o7hHzUFXHDPIKh30-m9gjGb9p0XcXAEk4UAVH76wSC/s1600/DSC05535.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxYNvNegpu95mZxrHFCMWlKOtF2-GWOm6lueNpF9hlKQOUlDfQFOTICmkyBHchgzAjUF7xHVw-71KHds2VRls3ZVwSBk5RkblPm_o7hHzUFXHDPIKh30-m9gjGb9p0XcXAEk4UAVH76wSC/s1600/DSC05535.jpg" height="400" width="296" /></a></div>
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(I painted natural reusable canvas bags - black paint and a hydrangea stencil)</div>
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(this was my favorite gift that we made - we scanned some of Vienne's artwork and had them printed onto cards. I also had a stamp made of Vienne's signature and stamped the back of each card with her signature. Of course, no one wants to actually use the cards and will probably frame them instead. It was a fun and sentimental project for me.)</div>
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And that's about it. I hope your holidays were lovely and meaningful.</div>
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<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-1570708267654037342013-12-24T11:02:00.000-08:002014-02-17T13:51:40.553-08:00this and thatI don't really have any specific theme for this blog post. I just wanted to jot some things down….memories…thoughts…sentiments…this and that…<br />
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>We've been pulling out boxes of some of Vienne's old things - 2 yr old clothes and toys for Ivy to move up into. It is so precious to me to put Ivy into her Sister's clothes. Oh, the memories. I pulled out a box of old toys and just sat there staring into it without touching anything, realizing that each and every one of them was still covered with Vienne's untouched fingerprints. I so badly wanted to close it all back up and never let anyone touch any of it…but that is ridiculous. Mark and I do want to find a way to capture some prints of hers when we open another box at another time. I did end up preserving one little treasure that I found in the box. It is silly - but the silly things that they create on their own, in their own world, are the true treasures. It is a dinosaur magnet that is "wrapped" with a flower cupcake wrapper and taped very securely. I can't remember exactly what she was doing with this…but I remember this being a thing that she did regularly for a bit. She was also obsessed with tape for quite a while. A few times a day she would ask me for tape. I'd let her have pieces. No harm. We would ALWAYS find tape stuck in funny places - the edge of the counter, on the underside of the coffee table, her bedside table, toys…etc. Anyway, I am keeping this little wrapped dino and putting it in Vienne's Memory Chest that we keep in our room (a large hope chest that is filled with extra special sentiments of hers - her sheets, her favorite shirts, cards from her memorial service, her remains…).<br />
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(here is the little dino…you can barely see all the tape that is covering it thoroughly. My Baby touched this last and wrapped it with loving care.)</div>
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>Ivy just started showing interest in sitting in the cars that are attached to the shopping carts at the grocery store - you know the BIG gigantic beasts that take up the entire aisle! Yes, now it is Ivy's turn to adamantly insist that we use those carts. I remember the days with Vienne. Yet again, though, I am blessed with another little girl who will stay in her seat in the cart for MOST of the time and stay entertained while I shop. When she does finally want to get out, she stays by my side and helps me push the cart. Just like her sis. It's crazy to me still how similar they are. Anyway, pushing those carts in New Seasons at this time of year threw me back to a tiny little insignificant memory….but I get it each time I'm at the store. Vienne would be in the "car" in front and suddenly exclaim that she needed to get out and show me something! "I need to show you something, Mama!!" So I would allow her out and she would run over to the Christmas candy display and just look at everything with wide eyes and just say "look!" in a voice of awe. She wouldn't ask. She'd just want to show me. Of course, I was a sucker and let her pick out a nasty Lindor Truffle ball to take home. She always chose the green one, of course. Always green. Everything green. And, she could never finish even just one of those small balls. She loved her treats but she was such a tiny little eater. </div>
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>Remember Vienne's special star? You can read about it <a href="http://radicalmamajourney.blogspot.com/2009/07/big-weekend-for-vienne.html" target="_blank">here</a>. Well, Ivy just accomplished her first "genius" drawing yesterday. A fish. I have noticed that she seems to be very dexterous with crayons. Actually, WAY more than Vienne ever was. In all honesty, Vienne's star was a fluke. A genius fluke that we treasure always. But, she never showed interest in drawing or writing after that. It was a big deal to accomplish writing her name. She had NO interest in learning to draw or write ANYthing else. Nor did she like to color. Surprising, I know. But, she did love to paint and create in other ways. Anyway, back to Ivy - I can tell that she will like to draw, like her Mama. When she draws, she actually holds her crayon correctly already, without me even showing her how. She makes small intentional little marks on the paper. She will draw circles and swirls and she really gets concentrated on it. I love it. So, here is a picture of Ivy's fish. She stepped back and exclaimed "shish!". I thought it was pretty great that she even recognized what she drew! Was it intentional? Or was it a scribble that looked like a fish? We will never know. But, I love it.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgowjt1HnpfDRtWzBJGkVRFi8b1ZEQt7kZvXdch4NWtpZxPG2OCb8n-L6cqUXKbkjnnxrj_DGEiYLt3EEk4OpDCF8RwxVJuhyGs5DMiBA5CfhRqAcxN90zxulX9Pjqk3cGqGvobv653PnEL/s1600/IMG_2545.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgowjt1HnpfDRtWzBJGkVRFi8b1ZEQt7kZvXdch4NWtpZxPG2OCb8n-L6cqUXKbkjnnxrj_DGEiYLt3EEk4OpDCF8RwxVJuhyGs5DMiBA5CfhRqAcxN90zxulX9Pjqk3cGqGvobv653PnEL/s400/IMG_2545.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
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>Ivy says "awthsome" now, <a href="http://forvienne.blogspot.com/2013/03/home-video-awesome.html" target="_blank">just like her Sister did</a>. Here is a video of Ivy saying it about a month ago. She's already talking SO much more than she was in this video, just a few shorts weeks ago.</div>
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>This is my favorite photo of the two of them right now. It is the wallpaper on my phone and sometimes I will just sit and stare at it. I can almost see what Vienne would've looked like as a young woman, from this photo. She is so stunning. She takes my breath away, still, always.</div>
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>Everyone is wondering how we are doing during this holiday season. For the most part, I have been coping by staying as distracted as possible by actually surrounding myself with "festive" things. I have, now, realized that I was sub-consciously trying to somehow fill a devastating void that could NEVER possibly be filled (nor do I want it to!). But, I think I knew that this Christmas (being the first that we are choosing to celebrate since she passed away) was going to be difficult. So as hard as I anticipate it to be, I realized I was trying to make everything else about it to be as perfect as it possibly could be…so that then, maybe just maybe, it wouldn't entirely suck. And, I wanted Ivy to experience her first real Christmas with all the decor and festivities, movies, and music. But, you know that when you set yourself up like that, you are bound for disappointment. I did have an emotional break down last week - feelings of despair and disappointment and devastation and loneliness. It's all inevitable.</div>
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We are staying in Portland this year and "celebrating" with my family. </div>
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I wish I could send each one of you a Christmas card. Your support and encouragement and prayers mean so much to me. But since I cannot, here is the photo that we put on our card and sent to family ~</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_CEBBqE9-_yZ7lTKDNZsW5XPgqgCMJeSXX5gGnEYeOa1FRGcyn6Ss9S8QyKrmwcxcw4Qr_v7kxjUGrgHeykAyGXmU-B4p-pZ87-pYLA0Deh9wAmK6xDPE6O9ZFUJPc2dLSXvKJVbRdFK/s1600/1521743_10152056167821738_772051405_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_CEBBqE9-_yZ7lTKDNZsW5XPgqgCMJeSXX5gGnEYeOa1FRGcyn6Ss9S8QyKrmwcxcw4Qr_v7kxjUGrgHeykAyGXmU-B4p-pZ87-pYLA0Deh9wAmK6xDPE6O9ZFUJPc2dLSXvKJVbRdFK/s400/1521743_10152056167821738_772051405_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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(Left: Vienne Juliet at 19 mo. in 2009 ~ Right: Ivy Lynnae at 23 mo. in 2013</div>
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Wearing the same vintage Christmas dress, standing on the same rocking chair in front of Grammy's tree.)</div>
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Here are the out-takes of Ivy…just cuz she is a darling…</div>
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MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.</div>
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xoxoxo</div>
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<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-89852632086818543702013-11-30T14:25:00.002-08:002014-02-17T14:38:25.662-08:00What I am thankful for<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Thankfulness is obviously hard for me. I often struggle with "the glass is half-empty" mentality since Vienne passed. But, I realize that I do still have much to be thankful for. Mostly, I am thankful for this stunning green-eyed beauty of mine - my Ivy-girl. She is the only light that shines in our lives…and she surely shines it brightly. I know that her Sister's pure and precious spirit lives on in Ivy. It is undeniable when you are in her presence. I cling to that knowledge.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidoZ3bzFj-eO3nP_l-t3tB7zgDfSG1NHLlD9czMGlulX7vK9t48T8IUnch-7cP_BV5ERHJ86JsR8Jf5Q4bL05jBLUf5TozF0W3piV6D21IopSK1U_t4JggzGRz8VqlRBFp_Wj8R1ovsw1q/s1600/Family-9833-2939105561-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidoZ3bzFj-eO3nP_l-t3tB7zgDfSG1NHLlD9czMGlulX7vK9t48T8IUnch-7cP_BV5ERHJ86JsR8Jf5Q4bL05jBLUf5TozF0W3piV6D21IopSK1U_t4JggzGRz8VqlRBFp_Wj8R1ovsw1q/s400/Family-9833-2939105561-O.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPbImSWbFe6r8w9NIK_6XjiYsDb3PdkSO006IhnZ-Z-ZODk6gwI8G26f-AzNdUNReFtpOpyrvyLBAiiclwompy3qRrGtOe0Kivfr0gEpEBhxdXNuVgqHvpanp_Hak80ikf57JDl9COzUBO/s1600/Family-9932-2939121450-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPbImSWbFe6r8w9NIK_6XjiYsDb3PdkSO006IhnZ-Z-ZODk6gwI8G26f-AzNdUNReFtpOpyrvyLBAiiclwompy3qRrGtOe0Kivfr0gEpEBhxdXNuVgqHvpanp_Hak80ikf57JDl9COzUBO/s400/Family-9932-2939121450-O.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></div>
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And, secondly, I am most thankful for this handsome supportive, loving, sensitive yet strong Man of mine. I could not get through this life without him.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-kbKe41OhbtrBSOI-8TYqvSZQhJ5Bd6OTCOWVPfwK472hDC371Kc5xvNZtenNSOssNzE8wUZInSJgPsvUhPl2PpbGAU3KaaRFO5wl4yPU06juz_0VAL49kHduCn6vUngxnLsK7mktkO7Q/s1600/Family-9829-2939105474-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-kbKe41OhbtrBSOI-8TYqvSZQhJ5Bd6OTCOWVPfwK472hDC371Kc5xvNZtenNSOssNzE8wUZInSJgPsvUhPl2PpbGAU3KaaRFO5wl4yPU06juz_0VAL49kHduCn6vUngxnLsK7mktkO7Q/s400/Family-9829-2939105474-O.jpg" height="400" width="265" /></a></div>
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And, I am thankful for family. These are my in-laws, but I am also thankful for my own family who mostly continues to be a constant support system of love.</div>
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And, finally I am thankful for amazing friends - Old friends who stand by me through thick and thin, and love me no matter what. And, new friends who have come up out of the woodwork and blessed me with their compassion and selfless support.</div>
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Here are some of the rest of the photos taken by Kinsey, this Thanksgiving 2013...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjInkJpcqDrKUTpqo9YkGIP8rGkxrUWm8XBETbENOcyGtJghZpLFdTW3IeZMNDYKdzyUcRf228mmezX4fKu3JmPwlDCvf7V3y-e-dkjiA12dPbebbAWmyCFT8DfXHD2T4cK0KNsZVDymzqs/s1600/994385_560690036424_1143386153_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjInkJpcqDrKUTpqo9YkGIP8rGkxrUWm8XBETbENOcyGtJghZpLFdTW3IeZMNDYKdzyUcRf228mmezX4fKu3JmPwlDCvf7V3y-e-dkjiA12dPbebbAWmyCFT8DfXHD2T4cK0KNsZVDymzqs/s400/994385_560690036424_1143386153_n.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB5Nl8BxSNtiUPt2PS6Q0sNule4wHgjl_lWHaYBN5Uy2V_JAelR4a3SHQnwVLESsmFAEPjJh1l7QxjCWk86prycvz0vXfCFC-fKkp6ZTkjyUWNobIHJtlpRq8S0TwDvoyuObegmi3bV3Ih/s1600/Family-9841-2939106022-O.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB5Nl8BxSNtiUPt2PS6Q0sNule4wHgjl_lWHaYBN5Uy2V_JAelR4a3SHQnwVLESsmFAEPjJh1l7QxjCWk86prycvz0vXfCFC-fKkp6ZTkjyUWNobIHJtlpRq8S0TwDvoyuObegmi3bV3Ih/s400/Family-9841-2939106022-O.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></div>
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our little Joy-Bug was running all over the grass like a ping-pong ball. It was difficult to get her to be still for a family shot. </div>
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Vienne, my Love, you were missed desperately on this holiday.</div>
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xoxoxox</div>
<br />For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-77685854471320323042013-11-21T13:07:00.001-08:002014-02-17T13:55:01.077-08:00ApathyThis is what I am currently feeling.<br />
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Apathetic and despondent.<br />
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I know I don't owe anyone any explanations or anything, but it is still in my character to care. And, so I wanted to come on here and just explain why my blog posts are fewer and further between and why my email and/or comment responses take almost a month to accomplish. I am struggling with apathy. <br />
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I look at my inbox each day and just watch it fill up but I just can't seem to find it in me put effort into much more than my and Ivy's survival right now. But, don't get me wrong - I LOVE <i>LOVE</i> the comments and emails and texts that send love and prayers and encouragement. I <i>need</i> them. I thrive off of them. I cherish them. And, I am so thankful to those who take the bold move to reach out to me. And I know that no one writes me with an expectation that I have to write back - but it is in my "normal" nature to do so. So, this apathy wars inside of me with my natural inclination to show that I care. I want to be able to express my gratitude and I want to encourage people to keep the loving correspondences coming…but I guess I am writing this just to let you know that I might not be as immediate as I once was. I read each and every single email and comment, but it might take me a month to respond. But, I <i>promise</i> that I will. Eventually. And, like I said, I know that no one expects anything from me. This is not coming from a place of feeling pressured by anyone…but myself. I want to be able to give back, but it is just very hard for me right now. Please don't give up on me. Even though I don't write on here too often right now, I know it is just a phase. Please continue to come back and check in …. eventually I will get back on the blog track. Even sitting down to write this one took me a lot of focus and discipline. <br />
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Thank you all for being here and loving me and supporting me. I am just in a really dark place these days.<br />
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xoxoxFor Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8455625283347938520.post-27613741734923635562013-11-06T14:16:00.000-08:002014-02-17T13:56:46.940-08:00{Home Video}: Vienne's Wii bump, age 4This is just a random video that I know hasn't been shared yet. Nothing too extraordinary, just her gosh-darn cuteness...and even a little whining snuck in there at the end. I even miss the whining voice. She was somewhat of a perfectionist with herself (unlike <i>no one</i> I know....<i>ahem</i>...) and when she couldn't get it just right, she would sometimes give up like this. Some people have a hard time believing that she whined or even needed discipline…but she did. She was still a child. As "flawless" as I claim her to be (and as you witness her to be)…she was still a child. There was discipline, for sure. I can just count the times on my fingers… ;)<br />
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I miss her deeply. The unfairness of it all keeps haunting me. I just want my old life back so so badly. It is such a horror to wake up each day to realize that I am still forced to live my nightmare. I feel like a prisoner. This is my sentence. I will always find ways to discover joy in this prison…I will strive hard to "make the best" of my horrid fate…but I will always want out. I will always want to escape. I will always pine for the life I once had.<br />
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So here I am playing and replaying home videos of my girl…striving to bring her light into my prison. It is a sad and happy thing to watch them. Here is this silly video of my precious Vienne playing on the Wii.<br />
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http://www.youtube.com/v/FB42ck2HmRQ?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=WSPqdaYOFmXXjvlA-kcWLQ&autohide=1For Viennehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14239370029818098079noreply@blogger.com6