4th of July Memories

We just returned from a week-long vacation in our old home town of Cannon Beach.  It has been our tradition, over the past few years, to spend the 4th of July in Cannon Beach with our friends there.  We love the quaint small-town parade and we (I) love that fireworks are not allowed on the beach.  CB is a bit of a quieter place on that night.  (obviously, I am not a huge fireworks fan).

We have such wonderful memories of our time there, especially last year with Vienne.  We stay in a darling cabin that is just 4 houses from one of our favorite spots on the beach, right next to Ecola creek which runs into the ocean.  It is a quieter end of the beach and the creek is calm and a bit warmer than the ocean water.  It is just perfect.  It is also just a block off of the downtown area, so we never have to get in our cars.  

Needless to say it was bittersweet to be there for this holiday tradition of ours...our first time without Vienne.  She is what has always made our 4th of July times (or any event) fun.  She brought the wonder and the enthusiasm.  We went to the little town parade...but of course it was just not anywhere near the same without our little girl running to catch the candy, filling her bucket to the brim with goodies.  This year, we just sat off to the sidelines and watched.  It was mopey and overwhelming and really just not fun.  But we wanted to "get our feet wet", so to say.  This was the first time that we have spent a full week there...since living there.  It was good to see old faces.  It was good to take Ivy to the first park that her big sister got to play at in the first 2 years of her life.  It was good to take Ivy to the Farmer's Market where I used to take Vienne and stock up on our weekly produce.  It was good to take Ivy to the bakery that we frequented almost every single day when living there.  It was good to let everyone see Ivy and get to know Vienne's beloved little sister.

As bittersweet as it was, I discovered that it was very good for us to take a vacation.  I seriously needed "a break" from normal life.  While we were away, it seemed that most of my anxiety just melted away.  It was incredible.  Ivy slept like a champ in her tight little pack 'n play - which, if you know us, was a huge anticipated stress.  Just having Mark with us every day with no schedule or agenda was so so nice on my nerves.  I don't lead a hectic life here, but the moment I returned home my anxiety resumed.  :(  I guess we just need to take more vacations.  ;-)

Here are a slew of photos of years past as well as this year's experience ~

JULY 4TH, 2011

(Cannon Beach 4th of July Parade - Vienne, age 3)

(oh...the silly things in a small town parade!)

(The Lawn Chair Brigade.  Yes.  I'm serious.)

(a favorite place to perch.  She is seriously intent on catching every detail.)

(I can't smile now, mom, I have to chase the candy)

(ok...so I'm noticing, now, that she doesn't look too happy in any of these pictures.  Hmmm...maybe Vienne feels the same way about parades as I do.  Booooring)

(see?  Wow...grouchy...or actually looking tired)

(clapping with a frown...hahah...now I can't stop giggling at all her frowns.  They are so rare.  How did I not notice this?)

(aawww....there's the beautiful smile that we all know!  Here she is having fun in Asher's backyard with our canine friend, Gaia, in the background.  We always spend time hanging out with our dear friends, Kyle and Erin & boys, who live in Seaside)

(playing in the tent with Uncle Adam, Erin's brother and one of Mark's best friends.)

(they were serious buds)

(later, we ventured over to our other friends, Luke and Erin's, for a 4th of July backyard BBQ.  Fun memories.  This is Vienne with Adam again.  They are so sweet together.)

(Uncle Adam chasing the kids...water fights and fun times)

(Vienne with her sword and Grayson with his water launcher)

(Jeff sword-fighting Miss V.  Jeff is one of Mark's other very good friends.)

(and she's after him)

(sooo cute.  Jeff and his family are dear friends of ours)

(oh,my sweet sword-wielding beloved Girl...why did you leave me??)

(Jeff getting attacked from all sides by the girls)

(fireworks time!)

(sparklers)

(look at that darling little tush)

(one of my all-time favorite photos of her.)

JULY 4TH, 2012

(I've posted these pics several times before, but I have to include them again here, because these were all taken over Vienne's last 4th of July with us.  This collage of photos was taken on Cannon Beach.  Vienne and I stole away for some alone Mama-Daughter date time.  We went to our favorite candy shop, Bruce's Candy Kitchen, then took our candy to the beach to eat it and play.  I miss my beautiful friend.)

(us.  as it was meant to be)

(eating her candy)

(me and Ivy.  Ivy's first time putting her toes in the sand.  She was 6 months old)

(me and my lovely beach beauties)

(Mark and Ivy relaxing on the porch of our cabin - our favorite place to stay)

(back in the day when Ivy would nap in the carseat...and stay asleep!  The blanket to protect her from the sun and the umbrella to protect her from the sandy wind)

(Cannon Beach Parade with Kyle and Erin and their boys, Asher and Elijah)

(there's that same parade scowl!  haha...but, seriously, she really did have fun!)

(from middle to right:  Vienne, Adam, Asher & Kyle, Erin, and me)

(after the parade, we ventured to the Miller's again for another fun BBQ - a tradition.  Here, Adam looks like he is chasing the kiddos again.)

(the kids lined up, watching the dads set off fireworks)

(another absolute favorite video!  Vienne is tickling Ivy with a pom pom from the parade.  I LOVE her.  Always holding her sister's hand or touching her...I can't stress enough how important that was to Vienne.  It is evident in almost every single photo or video of the two of them.  I love how she says "I wish I could get another pom pom for you and Mom" and I love how she says "Adios" at the end.  I swear, she was always so thoughtful like that.  I didn't realize how extremely rare she was.  And, I have so many videos capturing this very quality of hers.  Why did she have to be taken from us??)

JULY 4TH, 2013 - Our First Without Vienne

(Ivy sitting in the doorway to our darling little cabin - looking like a big girl.)

(photo courtesy of Molly Kerns - capturing us at the parade)

(me and Ivy sitting on the stairs, off to the side)

(letting Ivy play at the park where her sister first played...in the swings that Vienne first swung on)

(glee)

(Ivy had to sniff and pick almost every flower she saw in town.  That's a lot of flowers)

(sniff sniff)

(then she decided to sit on the bush.  She turned around, backed up, and sat her tush right down.)

(is this not one of the best photos ever???)

(we took Ivy to the Cannon Beach Farmer's Market and enjoyed eating the fresh berries and dancing to the music)

(our little beauty)

(mmm....marionberries)

(nummy)

(a backyard bbq at Kyle and Erin's - some of our favorite friends gathered around.  Seth and Lacey and boys drove out to spend the weekend, as well.  Can you see Ivy tenderly snuggling on Mark's chest on the left?)

(our little path to the beach)

(beach baby)

(snacks)

(silly goose)

(umm...yes, I am biased...I make darling girls)

(off she goes)

(not afraid of the water)

(time to play)

(she spent a good 20-30 minutes collecting water in this little snack bowl and then walking it carefully over to her bucket and filling the bucket, bit by bit.  A task that her sister would've accomplished in the exact same fashion.)

(filling the bucket)

And, I guess that's it.  There are a few more photos that have yet to be sent to me and a video that I haven't been able to upload...but when I get that figured out I will be adding to this post.

Happy Birthday, Grandma Lynn

I'm a little late on posting this birthday tribute...just because I have been caught up in my own self-absorbed mind these days.  But, nevertheless, I need to spend a few moments honoring Grandma Lynn and her special mark on Vienne's life.  

Lynn is Mark's mom and I couldn't rave enough about her as a mother-in-law and as a Grandma to my two girls.  I am speaking in full honesty when I say that my girls have been spoiled by having two incredible loving Grandmothers in their lives.

Grandma Lynn is known as the adventurous and playful Grandma.  She is active and easy going, fun-loving, humble, and positive.  I have such sweet memories of watching Lynn and Vienne play together.  I remember there was a time when Lynn was visiting right after Ivy was born.  It was a weekday so Mark was at work and one of my girlfriends was stopping by to visit and meet Ivy, along with her two girls.  Lynn was so thoughtful to let me visit with my girlfriend by keeping the older girls entertained with play dough in the other room.  I have many memories of Lynn taking Vienne for long long walks, as well. Lynn loves to get outdoors - she is always taking a walk when she visits, or riding our bike, or sitting in the sun.  Vienne LOVED her exploration walks with Grandma Lynn.  Lynn would take her to a small lake nearby and feed the ducks.  I fondly remember Vienne returning home with a grand story about a duck she met at the lake, whom she lovingly named "Floatie".  Grandma Lynn never hesitated to get right down on the floor with V and just jump into her imagination world.  Lynn was so quick with her impromptu stories and play she would come up with for Vienne.  Seriously, I do not know many grandmothers that are like this.  You see where Mark gets his fun-loving, drawn to children, playful nature!

Here are some sweet photos and videos of this amazing Grandma and her sweet Granddaughter~

(Grandma Lynn's first hold - with Vienne in May of 2008)

(walking on the beach in November 2009.  V was 18 mo. old)

(a day at the zoo with Grandma Lynn at age 2)

(picnic at the zoo park)

(fun silly girl time on the floor with Grandma Lynn over Christmas.  V is 2 1/2)

(one of my favorite pics of Lynn, capturing her fun playful nature!  Peaking through a tunnel the boys dug in the snow when we all spent Christmas in Cle Elum, WA)

(they snuck Vienne onto a golf course one morning when we were visiting in the summer of 2011)

(she had so much fun hanging out with Grandma and watching her uncles and auntie golf)

(playing in the water)

(pouncing on Grandma Lynn in the morning to wake her up!  Grandma Lynn is always so flexible - how many grandmothers would be willing to sleep on your couch when she stays over?)

(a sweet video...a sweet memory.  Lynn didn't know I was recording this behind her back.  It is dark, but she and Vienne are playing with stuffed animals together.)

(awesome moves for you, Grandma Lynn!)

(Tadaaa!!!  Happy Birthday, Grandma Lynn!  I love you!!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LYNN 

(a bit belated)

WE LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!

THANK YOU FOR BEING ONE OF THE BEST GRANDMOTHERS I HAVE EVER KNOWN!!

XOXOXO

Her Sister's Sister

Let's focus on something positive.

My Ivy-Girl.

She most certainly is something very special.  Vienne's surviving sister is proving to carry on Vienne's spirit while also adding in her own unique flair.  

I must admit, whether it sounds "sacrilegious" or not, Ivy has definitely been a savior of sorts for us.  She has saved my and Mark's life from a much deeper despair...or worse.  Who knows.  Even on the horrible day that Vienne was taken from us, I knew that I could not be any less of a mom to Ivy than I was to her sister.  I look at Ivy and, daily, my heart bursts with uncontainable love for her.  I feel like...not that I love her more than Vienne...no, of course not that...but that I can't help but spill out my abundant love for both of my girls onto Ivy...since Vienne cannot be here to receive it.  I have no other outlet to share my love for Vienne than to pour in onto Ivy.  I could just cry over how much I feel when I look at Ivy.

Oh and I must share about her little personality.  I thought it would be nice to share a bit about this incredible little sister of Vienne's...this special little girl who is a survivor and who still maintains an infectious smile even after all that she has been through.  If I had both of my girls with me now, I admit I might've felt almost a bit sheepish for having two sweet-spirited, well-behaved "perfect" little angels...but now I don't at all.  Ivy is my gift.  I needed another child who had a sweet spirit, gentle demeanor, and loving nature.  Every single day I am constantly amazed by this little girl.  How did we get another incredible stunning gem??  It must be that God knew I wouldn't be able to handle a challenge...and He is right.  

Ivy reminds me of Vienne every single day.  Here are some fun similarities that my two girls share...ways in which Vienne's spirit lives on in her sister ~

Like her big sister, Ivy is very sensitive to and responsive to correction and gentle, yet firm, discipline.  Not that we've really had to discipline much...but we have had to establish boundaries in our home once she started moving about, of course.  And, we all know that in the beginning, in order for them to learn to know those boundaries we have to enforce some correction.  In our home we strive not to overly baby-proof...meaning that I do leave some fragile items out, I leave plants and candles where they were, and some cabinets unlocked and bathroom doors open.  We do this for teaching purposes so that when we take her to other homes we can direct her about with simple instructions like "no touch" or "gentle touch".  We keep a glass chime hanging low from a hook right at her level and with that she has successfully learned "gentle touch".  Of course, like any child (even Vienne) she had to test her boundaries in the beginning, but now she respects them almost all of the time.  She generally does not have a willful or stubborn spirit about her.

Like her sister, she is starting to reveal some orderly and meticulous tendencies.  She likes things in their place.  She likes lids on bottles and containers.  She likes to throw garbage away.  She has a new habit of throwing her own diapers away now.  I have a bad habit of just tossing her poopy ones out in the garage, with the intention to pick them up when I go out there next.  So, when we go out there next and she sees it laying in the middle of the garage, she will run over to it, saying "uh-oh uh-oh!" and pick it up and take it over to the big garbage can!  She also likes to ensure that the baby gate at the top of the stairs is fully locked.  We let her close it, now, sometimes.  So, the other day she was holding a toy and trying to close and lock the gate.  She closed it but couldn't manage the lock with the toy in her hand, so she ran to her room, set the toy in her toy box, ran back out to the gate to finish "locking it", then ran back to get her toy again!  (I should mention that she doesn't really know how to fully lock it of course...we finish by fully snapping it into place.  Didn't want you thinking that we taught her how to lock and unlock the whole thing!  It is way too difficult for her, as it should be.).  She loves to help load the dishwasher.  While I am loading it, if she notices a cup or bowl in the living room, she has brought it over and loaded it in.  The other day, while I was unloading, she also wanted to help and she literally picked up a pot lid and opened up the cupboard where it belongs and put it exactly in the right spot.  I stood watching, dumbfounded and speechless.  And, she loves to help pour soap in the washing machine and help load the clothes.  Anything that mom does....you know.

Like her sister, she is sensitive and loving.  I must be careful with my tone, as to not hurt her feelings.  Like Vienne, she will cry if I sound too firm.  I am intentional about finding the line between breaking the will yet not the spirit.  She hasn't exerted too much of a will, but every child has one of course.

Ivy asks to nurse in the same exact sweet gentle way that her big sister did.  I always thought it was unique and sweet that Vienne would never pull my shirt down or grab at my breasts...but would, instead, just gently pat the top of my chest and say "urse urse?".  I did not teach Vienne or Ivy this...but how incredible and nostalgically tender is it that Ivy does the same exact thing??

Like her sister, she likes her hands clean...unless she is intentionally playing in something dirty - like intentionally putting her hands in the sand or squishing something squishy.  But, if she stumbles and her hands get dirty, she will hold them out and say "uh-oh!" over and over until I clean them.  Or she does not like to get food stuck on her fingers.  Just like Vienne, she is a very cleanly eater.  She has never thrown food or intentionally dropped it off her tray.  She prefers to use a fork and is incredibly adept with it!  When she accidentally drops food from her high chair, she will stop and stare at it and exclaim "uh-oh" until we pick it up.  When she spills snacks from a bowl, she will stop and look down at it all saying "uh-oh".  I will encourage her to sit down and put it all back in and she actually will!  She will make sure every last piece is back in the bowl!

Like her sister, Ivy does not show a problem with sharing...so far.  ;)  It does not bother her when other children play with her toys or things.  She doesn't appreciate her toys being yanked from her, though.  But, she will gladly hand something over...whether it be a toy or a snack.  The ONLY person she struggles over sharing with is her cousin Miriam...whom she sees everyday.  They are like sisters and behave as such.

Like her sister, Ivy is just as petite.  Still wearing 6-12 mo. clothing and size 2-3 infant shoes at almost 18 months of age!  Most of her walking shoes are still crib shoes.  Last week someone asked me if she was 9 months old!  It's crazy.  Vienne was the same exact way.  Always always tiny.  Vienne was only 28 lbs. when last weighed at age 4.

Now I will share a bit of Ivy's personality that steers a little differently from her sister ~

Ivy is much much more confident and outgoing than Vienne ever was at this age.  Vienne was so incredibly shy that she would even cry if a man she had never met was a new guest in our home.  Ivy recently went to church for the first time since Vienne passed away, and she was immediately comfortable with the teachers and other kids.  She loved having me near as her safe base to return to...but she had no problem venturing off on her own as well.  When asked for a hug, she will generally give it to an adult or a child.  She will say "hi" and wave "bye".  And, she is easily brought to smiles by almost anyone.

I fear that Ivy might be a bit of a "runner" because of that comfortability.  I have put her down in the store to see what she will do and she will just toddle off.  This is entirely new to me.  Vienne stuck by my side, no matter what...ALWAYS, as if we had an invisible cord that bound us together.  I will try to direct Ivy to come this way or that, and she will just toddle off in her own direction!  But, when I go to pick her up, she is usually most compliant and does not pitch a fit because I stopped her in her tracks.  She's just a little bit more curious, though we have learned that she responds well to firmly saying "stop".  

She is actually a bit more cuddly than Vienne was.  And, I know that I have shared that Vienne loved to cuddle...but Ivy loves to cling and kiss and hug and snuggle and just sit in our laps.  Sometimes she will just stop what she's doing and come over and lay her head against me....I love it to the extreme.  It surely helps to fill that ominous void that we have.

Ivy has displayed a few mini "fits" already.  Maybe 3?  They are certainly rare, just like they were for Vienne (Vienne had like maybe 7 in her life??)...though, I am pretty sure that Vienne never pitched any at this age...but I actually can't remember.  I think Ivy is a tad bit stronger-willed, but her fits have only occurred when she has been overdue for a nap.  No screaming or thrashing or anything...just a little stomping of the feet and frustrated angst.  She recovers quickly and doesn't push the issue.  She never repeats a disobedience just to see my reaction...neither did her sister.  She almost always does what I ask her to...though, I have to be consistent and insistent when teaching a new instruction, of course.  I have to admit that I have been so spoiled by my two girls that I become baffled and dumb-struck when other children refuse to listen to me!

Ivy LOVES, I mean LOVES her bed.  She NEVER ever cries in her bed.  When I lay her down, she either will roll over and fall asleep or sit up and crawl to the corner, suck her paci, and play with her lovey until she falls over, asleep.  When she wakes, she is very very quiet.  She will either make a little peep or sigh or just quietly crawl to the corner and suck her paci until I come in.  Thankfully, we invested in the brilliant video monitor and I have to keep the volume up super high to listen to the creak of her bed when she wakes...or I just keep checking it around the time she usually wakes.  It's crazy.  Sometimes if I walk in too soon after she has woken, she will say no to me and shake her head when I reach in to get her.  She needs her time to wake up.  ;)  Though, on the flip side, because of this love for her bed...she hates sleeping in ANY other bed and those are the times that we actually hear her cry after we lay her down.  That is a challenge.

Ivy is very brave in many ways...I think.  She loves water and seems to be fearless around water fountains.  She will dunk her head straight in!  Not so fond of water being poured over her head in the tub, but she will dunk her head in gushing water fountains!  She seems to be a bit less cautious than Vienne.  She will walk straight over to the edge of a step and walk off it if I didn't stop her.  Thankfully, we have been able to successfully teach her to sit down on her bottom and turn on her tummy to go down.

Ivy is an great eater!  That is a HUGE difference from her big sister!  Vienne barely ate.  She was never interested in solids until about 14 months of age and even then she still barely ate.  Like any parent with a first child, I quickly offered Vienne many grain foods and dairy...which, I believe creates a little addiction for them and steers them away from the more healthy options.  Because I have had to go paleo for health reasons in the last year, I now only feed Ivy what I eat.  Since she doesn't know any better, she has grown to love and prefer proteins, fruits, and vegetables.  Her favorite foods are broccoli and asparagus!  It proved to me that if you stick with it and only offer those things, they will actually like them!  (Vienne hated fruits and veggies).

Other random facts to update you on what Ivy is all about ~

Her favorite color is most definitely blue!  It is so interesting to me that a 1 1/2 yr. old shows a color preference...but she most definitely obviously does!  Whenever she is given a color choice she will intentionally dig through for the blue....whether it be crayons, markers, balls, socks...you name it!  I LOVE it!  Blue was Vienne's second favorite color and it only joined in as her favorite after Ivy was born because she learned that, back then, Ivy and Daddy had blue eyes!  Therefore, she had to love blue too! (her first favorite color was green because her eyes are green and now Ivy's eyes have turned the same color as Viennes - that beautiful deep gray green)

At almost 18 months, she is verbally saying:  "please", "no", "thank you", "show", "yes", "Dadda", "more", "go"...and jabbering up a storm in her own language.  You know she is saying a ton just in all that.    She is also signing:  "please", "more", "open", "help", "yes", "eat", "thank you".  Of course, she understands almost all of what we say to her.

Her favorite songs are "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "The Wheels on the Bus", "The itsy bitsy spider" and "If you're happy and you know it"...she will clap and stomp and dance along.

It is no surprise that Ivy is naturally drawn to older girls...generally ages 3-5.  I believe she has a natural instinct to draw towards them, seeking her big sister.  

I can't help but feel that we are on a sort of "repeat" in life.  I find myself fearing the age "4".  All that I know, in this life, is that my child dies at age 4.  I look forward to and yet dread that year with Ivy.  

(sweet baby girl at Jamison Square)

(fearless in the fast-flowing water)

(look at her tongue hanging out, trying to catch the nasty chlorine water!)

(yup...couldn't prevent it from happening.  yuck.)

(sitting in a window sill, playing with Alice the dinosaur)

(my precious joy-full girl)

(look at those darling little feet, crossed behind her.  So dainty.)

(sitting in her corner...in that bed she loves so much!  She crawls to this corner, pulls the blankie up over her lap, sucks on her caterpillar paci, and plays with her knitted lovey)

(eating with a big girl fork...cuz she prefers the forks like Mama and Dadda use.  And, look!  Here she is using her left hand!  Both Mark and I are left-handed.  Vienne was right handed.  Ivy is still undecided.)

(eating her favorites - broccoli and asparagus)

(a little video of a repetitive act of pouring and sipping water.  This reminded me sooo very much of Vienne for she would do the same exact thing with this same exact sippy cup.)

(one of her favorite afternoon pastimes is going to get the mail)

(stylish little sister)

(I had to include this pic because it reminds me so much of a look that Vienne often had)

(Vienne around the same age...giving the same little purse-lipped, closed-eye look)

(Vienne at 3 1/2 with that half-eye-closed look while enjoying a treat)

(Ivy dancing to one of her favorite songs.)

(Ivy likes to dress up, like most girls.  She wears those pink "jewels" every single day, lately.  I never put them on her, of course...but she will always find them and put them on.  This one morning, she also found my curling iron and thought that it would make for a great necklace, as well!)

(a few minutes later, she realized how UN-practical this really was.)

(Ivy...in her jewels...saying "uh-oh" because a piece of the flower petal is stuck on her finger and it is bothering her.)

(Ivy also likes to play dress up in my undergarments drawer!  She finds all of the "garments" in there to make for great shawls and scarves)

(so stylish)

(Sweet sisters.  This is how it should be.  Vienne should be teaching Ivy all these things and more.  Vienne should be here to hug and encourage her little sister.  Ivy was meant to be a little sister not an only child!)