This was a revelation to me.
Maybe it was a no-brainer, but this has been my only way of grieving and it is all that I know. Now, I have not been "officially" diagnosed with PTSD yet. My personal doctor has no doubt that I suffer from it, though. What exactly are the symptoms? I had to look them up. I suffer from every one listed, in one way or another. The symptoms are listed as such:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
2. Avoidance symptoms:
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
If you have regularly read this blog, then you know that I have described most of these things, from time to time, in one way or another. I just never thought that they were something "to get fixed".
So, what do I do about this? I have (with my Mom's help) been researching therapists who specialize in the treatment of PTSD. We have narrowed it down to one…and I just have to make the call.
But I struggle to do so. I sit and stare at the phone number with my phone shaking in my hand and then I give up and move onto something else.
Why? Why am I hesitating so? I am fearful. These miserable things that I suffer with are the only way I know how to grieve…and grieving is what keeps me connected to Vienne. My head knows that I can be taught to grieve in a different way…without suffering such physical and psychological effects…but my heart does not. My heart is clinging to the misery. It is all I know.