At night, before bed, I find myself tidying up my crochet projects, hiding any visible "treats", or putting anything away that I don't want Vienne to get into in the morning.
In the car, I've found myself quietly and "sneakily" trying open up a piece of gum...so Vienne wouldn't hear and ask for one.
I tiptoe downstairs and am careful not to bang around in the kitche at naptime...because Vienne slept with her door open.
At the grocery store I find myself mindlessly looking at different kinds of snacks that Vienne would've liked.
I fight the urge to hold my hand out when I cross a street.
I still look towards the bedroom doorway when I hear something in the middle of the night...a habit developed in response to midnight potty breaks or bad dreams.
I most often say "Vienne" when I'm talking about Ivy. If I start to use the "stern" voice with Ivy, I typically start with "Vi...Ivy"...or even in addressing Ivy. All the time. Her name is just always on the tip of our tongues.
...these are just a few of the little things. Small daily reminders that I had a beautiful little girl...and now I don't.
Today, I am more aware of these things than other days for today is the first time that I have stayed home all day, alone with Ivy. No errands to run to distract me. No visitors. I need to practice having these days because this is going to be my new "normal". It's just hard. I sit in any room of this new house and Vienne is everywhere...yet, she is nowhere.
>here is a small video of myself and V when she was 2. We are keeping ourselves occupied in a restaurant. Someone mentioned that they don't see me in any of the videos...that's cuz I'm usually the one taking them. I thought I'd include a rare one of the two of us.