Caleb's Dream of Vienne

Caleb told his Mama (Lacey) that he had another dream about Vienne.  If you don't know the history between Caleb and Vienne, read about it here and here.  This is not the first dream he's had about her in Heaven…though, I failed to remember to share the last one I heard.  Maybe Lacey can remind me.

Here is his dream from this past weekend:

Caleb (7 yrs. old) said that he went to Vienne's new house which was like a little castle made of lots of colors and was built of giant blocks.  They played outside on the swings and while they were swinging, Vienne told Caleb that she loved him and she thanked him for being her friend.  She was wearing a beautiful rainbow dress and he said she was happier than he'd ever seen her.  The sun was shining brightly and he said it was his favorite time that he has ever gotten to play with her.

*tears*

and more *tears*

can't.  stop.  crying.

This one broke my overly hardened and embittered facade today.

Beautiful words from Kristel

"Do you see her?

Do you see her outward beauty? Her hair is always pretty. Her clothes are always fashionable. She is beautiful and slim. 

She holds the hand of the cutest, teeny tiny toddler with her adorable grin. 

She smiles. 

She is polite. 

She may even laugh. 

She visits and listens and cares about others.

But do you see her?

Do you see the "limb" that she is missing?

Do you see her grief? Her gut wrenching pain? 

Do you see a mother without her beloved daughter?

Do you see the hole that is left in her heart?

Do you see her armor she wears to battle each new day?

Do you see a Daughter questioning WHY of her Heavenly Father?

Do you see her strength to continue on without her first born?

When you are shopping in the store, see her having coffee, or have the privilege of spending time with her- do you see a hero?

Do you see a survivor who has gotten up and faced every moment of every day for almost an entire year without her precious girl? 

She is surviving. 

She is a hero. 

She is a mommy to two girls. 

She is my friend. 

She is amazing. 

...We never know what others around us are enduring. Why they may be having a "bad day" or why they act how they do. We are so quick to judge. Let's remember to show kindness and compassion to everyone we meet. To show love. Grace. To be a Light. I need to remember this as I go through my days. We never know how we may be a blessing to even a stranger."

My beautiful dear friend, Kristel, posted this today on her Facebook page after spending the morning with me and Ivy.  I cannot read it without racking sobs.  She is a true friend who sees me...sees past my hard exterior that I work so hard to keep up so that I don't fall apart.  She sees past my grumpiness that seeps out at any frustration thrown at me.  She doesn't take it personally.  She knows.  And she loves me.

Please pray for me.  I don't ask this often...but I am really severely struggling right now.  And, I am fully acknowledging the "spiritual" attack that is being waged on me right now.  Not only am I barely able to manage my intense grief as the 1 year mark quickly approaches....but now we are facing trials with our new rental.  It is a long horrible story where everything that could go wrong has at every turn. We are planning to move this next Saturday and I just don't know if it can all be worked out by then.  My nerves are fried.  My heart feels shredded.  I am worn and exhausted and at my end.

I do not want to live this life I have been dealt.

Lessons learned

It's been difficult for me to work up the desire to write blog posts lately because I just don't really have much to say....Or I have too much to say and I don't know how to organize it all.  Over these past few weeks since Vienne's birthday, I have grown quiet...introspective, yet detached.  As I have said before, it is easier for me to stay this way - clenched up in a nicely controlled little ball.  But, remaining this way has not served me very well.  Internalizing my emotions has unfortunately led to some health issues that I have just been diagnosed with.  Celiac Disease.  Leaky Gut...to name a few.  As we all know, stress goes to the gut.  But, don't worry about me - I've got a treatment plan going.  I have been hit with so many tummy issues over my adult life that this is nothing new to me.  I almost expected to get sicker from my grief and my stress.

Anyway...back to the title of this post.  I have collected a few lessons over these months.  Small lessons for myself, as one who is grieving and bigger lessons for those who are close to someone who is grieving.

Overall, Mark and I have been VERY richly and, I believe, uniquely blessed by the abundant support that has been so generously offered to us, through this most unimaginable time.  Really.  Truly.  It is obvious just from the response people had to participating in Vienne's Birthday celebration.  HUGE.  Though, from what I have learned by other grieving parents (a new "club" that I am now unfortunately a part of), this kind of support that we have received is rare.  I don't know the "whys" and it doesn't really matter...but we are beyond grateful.  For you see, support and love is ALL that a grieving person needs.  I believe that is the big misunderstanding out there that those who shrink away refuse to grasp.

Sure, of course there have been those that have pulled away.  There have been some that, when seeing me in a store, pull a 180 and walk quickly away.  There have been some who try to be friendly to us, but at the same time refuse to acknowledge our lost daughter, or what we are going through...like a huge awkward elephant in the room.  These odd and sad circumstances have happened to us, but like I said, it is so rare....though, because they are so rare, they do still stick out like a sore thumb.  At the same time, I have learned to expect it.  I can't expect EVERYone to be amazing and supportive, now can I!  That would just be foolish.  ;)

Here are some lessons I have learned as one who grieves ~

~Don't be afraid to ask for support and love.  It sounds and feels desperate sometimes, but I have found that it greatly pays off to be open about my need for it.  When I encourage friends that their little notes of love and reminders that they're thinking of me is so HUGE and helpful, I know that encourages them to keep it up.
~Be gracious to those who don't know how to act.  I know, deep down, that those who are awkward with me are not trying to punish me.  I know they are sad for me.  And, I know that it will not encourage them to grow closer if I, in turn, punish them with guilt.
~There is a HUGE difference between gently encouraging people that their support is needed and begging for pity.  Begging for pity turns people away.  Begging for pity even turns me away.
~We have been turned off by counselors and mentors and such...who have not been down this path before.  We have learned that we would like to develop a relationship with another couple (perhaps older) who have lost a child  and are further down this path than we are.  A couple who can mentor us...who really understands.  I think an understanding heart far outweighs a "license" and a "title".


Here are some lessons that might help those who know someone else who is grieving ~

~Don't pull away.  Plain and simple.  Just don't.  It will be noticed and it will hurt that person who is already suffering the most pain imaginable.
~Acknowledge their pain and their lost loved one.  Ask them if they are comfortable talking about that loved one.  The biggest fear of a parent who has lost a child is that their child will be forgotten...while everybody else's children get to live on.
~Don't be afraid to cry in front of your grieving friend...even if they are not crying.  Your "tears are salve on our wound...your silence is salt." (Nicholas Wolterstorff)
~Please try to refrain from saying "I'm sorry, I haven't called but I don't know what to say" because what is really being heard is that your discomfort is more important to you than our pain.  I should clarify that we do understand that you don't know what do say and it is ok to admit that...but don't pull away because of that!
~KNOW that there is NOTHING right to say and once you get over that, if you want to be a real friend, then just BE.  Grieving parents don't need eloquent words...there is nothing that can be said to make it all right, ever.  But, you can offer love.  It's very simple and doesn't take much effort or thought.
~Here are some suggestions if you feel that you don't know what to do or say and have an inclination to pull away:  Text little messages like:  "I love you", "I am thinking of you today", "I am praying for you today", "You are heavy on my heart"...etc.  Things you could DO:  Drop off coffee; make a meal; bring over a potted plant; read their blog and let them know you are reading so that they know that you are there; send a card; send them a memory of their lost one in an email; ask if you could stop by to just give a hug.
~Reminders that they are not forgotten and that their loved one is not forgotten are the BIGGEST gifts that you can offer.  Seriously.
~Try to be sensitive about making statements like "it seems that you have finally reached some peace or healing".  If said in the wrong context, it makes us feel pressured.  Today, we might be acting well or normal.  But tomorrow could be another day.  We need to know that we are safe to fluctuate from day to day.  We need to know that there is not a time limit (even though our culture automatically and quietly puts one on us).  When we receive statements like that, all we hear is relief from that person...relief that we might be getting better and therefore might be less sad to be around.  So then we fear that our "sadness" is not tolerated the next time we feel it tomorrow.  As I have learned, this grief path is constantly 2 steps forward and 5 steps back.  If that makes any sense.  In general, it is just best to NOT assume anything, best to not surmise anything, or assess...or give advice.

I don't mean to be nagging or negative or accusing AT ALL.  My true aim is to just be helpful. If you have been reading my blog regularly, then you have been offered the opportunity to glimpse into this journey that we are on and I know that it has helped many in learning how to "act" around someone else who is grieving.  I am so thankful for that!  This was just a small list of detailed advice that might further help with others that you may know who suffer, as well.

I know how others might think...because I used to fall prey to those shameful thoughts, myself.  I didn't want to go there...I didn't want to ruin my happy day by taking a moment to check in on a grieving person.  I was selfish.  I made their pain and grief ALL ABOUT ME and my discomfort.  Absolutely irrefutably shameful.  :(

I believe that learning how to appropriately be a support to someone who is grieving is something that EVERYONE in our culture needs to learn.  It is so sad to realize how ignorant our culture really is to grief.  Have you ever pondered that?  This point was made so clearly to me when one of our pastors wrote this blog post about grief, as it relates to Good Friday.  It was so poignant and well thought out.  I could never put a finger on it until he bluntly pointed it out.  Our culture does not tolerate grief.  When you look at other cultures, though, you may witness how well grief is tolerated and supported and accepted.  In other cultures, they wail openly and publicly, they tear their clothes, they wear black for a certain length of time, they encourage and support the grieving...etc.  But we do not.  None of that would be tolerated here...it would be shunned.  In our culture, we are so fiercely afraid of death that we do not want to even acknowledge it.  We hear of a sad death and some think or say "oh, I can't even go there...please stop talking about that..."..."that is too much for me...that is too sad...I don't like to think about those kinds of things".  You know?  And, so the one who is grieving and already suffering the most pain ever imagined, is now ostracized because we remind people of death.  Sad, isn't it?
(Again, this is not necessarily too common for myself and Mark but it is VERY common for most of my grieving friends.)

So, why is it that our culture struggles to respond lovingly and appropriately to grief?  Author Lily Pincus wrote:
In our society people are full of admiration for the bereaved who keep "a stiff upper lip" and behave "maturely".  Even if this is not put into words, the implicit demand on people is not to let themselves go.  This may well collude with the mourner's own defenses and increase his denial of a need to grieve.

I must admit that I have very much experienced this.  I am "so strong".  So I better remain "strong" because that is, now, what is expected of me.

Anyway, I hope that these insights might be helpful.  I offer them in love and grace.  I hope it came off that way.  I am not asking for apologies or renewed attention, in the least...like I said, I feel that, overall, our support system is astounding!

Here is a picture of me and my Girl....just cuz I constantly constantly ache for and miss her so.  I miss these cuddles.  We have the same "unamused" smirks on our faces.  ;)

A Good Friday Gift

Here is a beautiful extension of love, gifted to us today by our very dear friends, Seth and Lacey.  They potted us a Memorial Garden for Vienne, all in her favorite colors of blue and green.  The half-whiskey barrel has a blueberry bush, a fern, and a bleeding heart, along with a few other blue flowered plants I forgot to ask about.  

The small pot, next to the barrel, was Vienne's garden that Lacey once gifted to Vienne on her 3rd birthday (click the link to see a post written about that garden).  Vienne had lovingly tended to that little garden pot over the past two summers.  Lacey had plans to repot it with Vienne, each summer.  From that very tiny pot, Vienne learned to love snap peas!  

Today, Lacey potted a few new flowers in that special pot and watered them with her tears.  From a little branch, stuck in the soil, hangs this darling sparkly dragon - to glimmer in the sunlight.

What a beautiful treasure to receive on such a day as Good Friday.

We have such good support around us.

We love you, Seth, Lacey, Caleb, & Malachi.

12 Days of Vienne Memories

A week before Christmas, we received a large package in the mail from David and Kinsey, Mark's brother and wife (who is also one of my dear friends).  As you've seen before, Kinsey is a photographer.  It is why we have soooo many beautiful professional photographs of our family.  With that talent, Kinsey is obviously incredibly creative...and thoughtful.  She enlisted the whole family to submit memories they have of Vienne along with corresponding gifts to reminds us of those memories. 12 gifts...one gift and memory a day.  =The most treasured gift I could think of.  This 12 day countdown of memories kept Vienne present on our minds, even more so than usual, as we endured this Christmas season.  

Day 1

{David's and mostly Kinsey's memory}

"I think Vienne was just about a year old on this visit we made to Cannon Beach.  We spent the morning taking pictures in a coffee shop and at the beach.  Sitting next to her in the coffee shop, snapping a few candid pictures of her while she laughed, tickled, played peek-a-boo, and curiously investigated all around - her stunning beauty came out, not just in those pictures, but in her personality."

Meaning of gift:  "Coffee scented candle -  Every time you light it, remember our sweet time sitting in that coffee shop."

Day 2

{David's and mostly Kinsey's memory}

"Spring of 2010.  I believe it was our first visit to your townhouse.  That Saturday morning you took us in to Portland to the Saturday Market.  My favorite part of that whole trip was watching Vienne shuffle down the side walk in those oversized Chinese slippers.  It was the most adorable thing I had ever seen.  Her determination."

Meaning of Gift:  "Special shoes=special socks...in almost her favorite colors.  Every time you wear these socks I hope you remember that sweet moment walking down the street."

Day 3

{David's memory}

"The weekend that just Mark and Vienne came up to WA for a visit - We were all playing outside.  The girls were playing in the swimming pool.  After a while of 'in&out' in the wading pool, it became too dirty for Vienne to want to get in (dirty with grass).  Mark's brilliant solution:  if she sat on the floaty ring, she wouldn't touch the dirt in the pool.  He was right.  She was happy."

Meaning of gift:  "Grass in the pool = floaty ring to the rescue.

'Grass' card game and dinosaur floaty ring.  So now every time we see these things we remember our special grassy pool memory and think of Vienne."

Day 4

{Christy's & mostly Kinsey's memory}

"Fall of 2010.  We went to Remlinger Farms.  It was a little bit chilly out, but Vienne looked adorable in her colorful hat (that I have since seen Ivy wear).  We did so many fun things - rode the train, saw some animals, went through a hay maze & jumped in a hay trampoline.  But my favorite part:  Watching Vienne go on her first ride!  She even put her hands up on the roller coaster.  My first glimpse into this brave, thrill-seeking little girl.  I also remember her falling asleep in the car on the way home and Grandma Lynn insisting on sitting on the porch until she woke up."

Meaning of gift:  "Remlinger Farms Coffee.  Enjoy a cup of coffee and remember our time at the farm."

Day 5

{David's & mostly Kinsey's memory}

"Ivy was about 5 weeks old.  We came down to meet her.  We did an impromptu photo shoot.  I'm so glad we did.  Some of my favorite pictures of Vienne are from this visit.  Taking candids of her while she made dinosaur footprints in the play-dough 'snow'.  Oh how I loved her joy and wonderment at the sight of the footprints.  And telling me all of the dinosaur names and their stories.  This was the first time I saw her as a big sister, too.  She had so much love for her sister.  She always wanted to be holding her.  She always wanted to hold Elliott but E wouldn't sit still.  Such a creative, imaginative little girl."

Meaning of gift:  "Oh how special and dear dinosaurs are now.  Forever they will remind us of her.  Hope you can hang this ornament next year on your tree."

Day 6

{Kinsey's memory}

"When Mark & Vienne came up the weekend of Brynn's wedding...

We were all driving in the car to Cottage Lake Park.  Vienne was eating her snack of trail mix that her Mom made.  I watched her for a moment and realized that she was just picking out the "chocolate" pieces (carob chips).  She said the chocolate was her favorite.  On the car ride home she and Mark were deciding if they should take a walk to the park by our house or take a nap.  Vienne said, "I'd like to go to the park!  But first I want to take a nap, so I can dream about mommy".  Oh she melted my heart."

Meaning of gift:  "Chocolate (carob) trail mix - a jar of carob chips/chocolate bars.  Every time you eat a chip or use this jar, think about her love for chocolate and for you."

Day 7

{Christy's memory}

"The weekend of Elliott's 1st birthday - We were at Grandpa Tom's house.  Grandpa Tom had made a giant bonfire outside.  We were shoveling sand by the mini fire pit, flipping rocks to look at baby crabs on the beach and the best one:  picking up golf balls as the tide went out.  Vienne was a little hesitant, at first, to walk on the rocks, so we held hands and walked to pick up two golf balls at a time, one for me and one for her.  Vienne was so curious, excited, brave, and adorable.  I can't tell you how special it was to me to get to share a new experience with Vienne.  I will always cherish this fun day."

Meaning of gift: " Searching for golf balls on the beach - the beach and the golf ball in the jar - a reminder every time you see it or when we see a golf ball of this special bonding moment."

Day 8

{Grandma Lynn's memory}

"This was the weekend you came to visit, after Elliott was born - What a sweet memory!  Mark went golfing with his siblings.  Vienne came along to allow Jenny to sleep in, since Vienne always woke early and this day required an early start.  I also went along, mostly to spend more time with Vienne...even though I don't play golf.  

I had the joy of just "chillin" with Vienne while Mark and everyone played each hole.  As you see in the picture, she was sporting some very stylish sunglasses and white ruffly socks to complete her sporty ensemble.

She was so patient and relaxed in the sunshine each time we stopped the golf cart for everyone to advance toward the next hole.  She kept those sunglasses on the entire nine holes and looking at her just always made me smile.  What an adorable pretty picture she was in the middle of that golf course! Her "lounging posture" cracked me up.  She was happy to just be a part of this sibling adventure.

Any other child might have been a concern because it's unlikely they would've  stayed in or very near the golf cart.  Not so with Vienne!  In fact, when the golf game was over and the person in the clubhouse realized Vienne had been out on the course, it was noted that children aren't allowed to be on the course.  However, she didn't know our little Vienne!" 

Meaning of gift:  "A homemade ornament with a golf ball and "grass" in it.  Gold ball has Vienne's name on it."

Day 9

{Ellie's memory - Vienne's older cousin who lives in Boston}

Ellie is 8 and wrote this herself.  These are her words:

"I remember the time we went to the mexican restaurant and I wanted to sit next to Vienne.  We were sipping on straws together."

Meaning of gift:  "Here are some straws for this memory.  Love Ellie"

Day 10

{Luke's memory - Ellie's younger brother}

Luke is 7 and wrote this memory himself.

"I remember playing games in Grandpa Tom's kids play house with Vienne.  Love Luke".

Meaning of gift:  Checkers and Chinese Checkers game.

Day 11

{Becky's memory}

"This was at Grandpa Clem's 90th Birthday party.  I got to sit next to Vienne and I'm glad I did.  Well, Ellie was actually "sitting" next to Vienne (naturally) but she was bouncing around so much that I got to sit next to Vienne for a lot of the time.  Vienne's beauty and her delicate gracefulness just captivated me that day.  I watched her peel and stick her stickers from the kids' goodie bag into paper with so much concentration.  Everything was done meticulously and with great carefulness.  Her face was so angelic in that moment, I couldn't stop taking pictures of her.  I'm glad I had this time to watch her.  I enjoyed it so much and I will always remember her this way."

Meaning of gift:  "A sticker book for Ivy to enjoy creating art with stickers the way Vienne did."

Day 12

{Dan and Becky's memory}

"At the Jersey shore in the summer of 2011, we all went on a walking adventure, the 7 of us.  Our kids walked down the sidewalk holding hands, chattering.  We found this little mexican restaurant and, of course, Ellie and Luke fought and squabbled over who got to sit next to Vienne.  But, I (Becky) got to sit across from her and cherish this as one of the first times I got some extended "face time" with Vienne.  I enjoyed it so much - she was such a cheerful little ham, silly and smiley and I just remember her making us smile and laugh throughout the whole meal."

Meaning of gift:  "We were all drinking these sodas - I hope they can serve as memoirs."

**David, Kinsey, Dan, Becky, Christy, Lynn, Ellie, and Luke ~  We cannot thank you enough for this treasure of a gift.  We love you all sooooo very much.

Grief 101: Understanding grief

It goes without saying that I am learning much more about grief than I ever wanted to in my life.  Things I was so ignorant to, before.
Grief is such a vile monster.  Grief is so life sucking.  Grief is a dark yet soothing place.  Grief is where I feel closest to my Vienne.  Grief is something that causes people to either draw near or pull away.  Grief is irrational.  Grief is unpredictable.  Grief is intimidating.  Grief is awkward and uncomfortable.  Grief is a true bitch. (I feel entitled to my profanities at this stage in my life.  I'm not going to apologize.)
I have been frustrated and irritated these past few days since my last post about the "Answer".  Not at anyone...just at myself.  I am thankful for the "answer" that I received because it brought a hesitation or stillness towards my anger at God...but it did not bring a peace about the loss of Vienne.  That's the difference.  Even though I have been demanding an answer, at the same time I feel that it is too soon to receive one that is so clear.  This is where I get irrational.  I am not ready to have peace.  I am definitely not ready to "be ok".  See, this is where I am finding that some people get confused.  Grief over the loss of a child is hard to understand and you truly cannot unless you've been there.  The way that Mark and I feel is that when we have something closer to a "good day" or a "peaceful moment", we feel further away from Vienne.  We feel closest to her when we mourn and weep and feel heavy and dark.  I know that doesn't make sense.  I know that Vienne is light and laughter.  But, the fact that every day is another day further away from the time when she was alive and every day further along is another day of "moving on" is just painful to us.  We are soooo fearful of moving on...because it feels like we are leaving her behind.  We do not like to be "wished well"...we do not like prayers for "peace"...we do not like attempts at encouraging us or bringing us joy.  For you see, there is nothing that will bring us peace about our daughter being dead.

The reason I have been so frustrated since my last post is also because I have sensed this almost relief from people that there might be a glimpse of me "healing" or "getting better".  And, I do not want that yet.  It is too fresh.  Too raw.  Too soon.  I understand that friends just want to see me happy again.  But, I cannot feel rushed to carry on and get past this.  I panic when I sense that pressure.  I have heard that the "public" gives you 3 months to grieve and then there is an unsaid expectance to move on.  I have also heard that the 3-6 month mark is the hardest on those who are grieving...a lot is due to the fact that friends have pulled away and moved on and expect you to move on...and then those who are grieving are left alone.  I am soooo freaked out about this thought.  I cannot be left alone or expected to get better.  How can you be expected to live without your beloved child...one that you have passionately loved and spent almost every moment with for 4 1/2 years?!

I must clarify, though, that I have received INCREDIBLE support through this.  My friends and family are beyond amazing.  Overall, I do not feel pressure from those I am closest to at all.  The commitment in consistency from them has blessed me more than they know.  And, the way this has dramatically affected everyone, even those I do not know, has astounded me.  I am just writing this/sharing this out of fear for the future.  Things I have been told to be aware of or to expect.  I really do not expect, though, to be abandoned by my dearests friends.  I don't. 

And, for those who do not know what to say ~ I get that.  I get the awkwardness.  The discomfort and nervousness about saying the wrong thing.  Truly, I do.  I have learned so many humbling lessons, even through this.  You see, my stepfather Tom, lost his daughter 6 years ago.  She was murdered.  It was horrible.  And, sadly, I just didn't know how to act around Tom.  I did not know her.  I was not close to him yet.  And, I was incredibly uncomfortable with grief.  I failed my stepdad in so many ways that it brings me to tears now, in shame.  He needed the support that I am receiving now, and he didn't get a fraction of it.  But, now I understand.  I understand that we need to be asked how we are doing.  We need to talk about Vienne.  We need to talk about our grief.  We need to feel comfortable to cry...or to not cry.  I am so blessed, though, to have Tom by my side through this...he has been one of our biggest supporters.  His emotional availability, empathy, and spiritual encouragement are priceless.  So, all this to say that these have been my lessons in grief.  I share them with you so that maybe you can glean from this. 

Please don't be afraid of us.  Honestly, the best thing to say is "this is the most horrific awful worst unimaginable thing ever!  And, I have no words, Jenny".  Just acknowledging that makes me feel a tad better.  If you want to pray for us - pray for strength for us to cope through the rest of our lives without Vienne.  If you want to hang out with us, please ask us about the grief.  Please do not be afraid to talk about Vienne.  Just, please, do not ignore her.  We are not ones to shut it down.  It soothes us to talk about it and about her.  (as you can tell - I am a very open and honest person...just from this blog).

Thank you for reading this.  And, thank you to all of you who take the time to comment on here or send me an email/message/text sharing your thoughts on my words.  I cherish each one.  And, I will save them so that I can look back and read everything over and over again.  I do not want to lose one morsel in regards to Vienne. 

(FYI:  For those who have asked, I think I have fixed the comment section on this blog.  Now anyone should be able to comment.  Just click the drop menu and select "Anonymous" - and please sign your name, then, so I know who you are.)

from the mouths of babes

Since Vienne passed away, friends have been sharing stories with me regarding their kid's reactions to Vienne's passing.  Sweet friends of Vienne's.  You never realize the astounding depth of children until something big like this happens.  These stories from little hearts touch mine so deeply.

>From Lilly, 6 yrs. old ~  Lilly drew a picture of two children.  One girl is Vienne, with a sad face.  The other child has an arm extended, about to hit Vienne.  Lilly explained that "When someone hits her, she doesn't hit back.  She is just sad.  I want to be like that!"

     ~Lilly also prays every night for our family.  One night, out of the blue, she asked God for a heart like Vienne's.  *tears*

(Lilly at Vienne's 4th Birthday Tea Party)

     ~ The week after Vienne's passing, Lilly's mommy, Lauren, hosted a play group in honor of Vienne.  The kids drew pictures and wrote letters to Vienne and released balloons up to Heaven for her.

   ~ I thought I would also include this photo of Vienne, taken by Lilly at her house while V was over playing.  (I should mention that Vienne was also best friends with Lilly's little sister, Jane.  Two sweet and special friends).

(photo by Lilly...she captured my sweet Girl's stunning smile)

(Lilly, Lauren (their Mommy), and Jane making necklaces at Vienne's Birthday Party)

>From Caleb, 6 yrs. old ~ Caleb's response when first told the news, 'Well.  The only good thing about this is that she's with Jesus.  But that's the only good thing.'

(Caleb and Vienne, May 2011)

>Malachi (Caleb's brother), 3 yrs. old ~ Malachi cried and cried and cried when his mom, Lacey, first told him.  His response was, 'But she was the rainbow princess!  She was just the princess at Caleb's party!'

     ~ The boys continue to respond by saying, 'She's with Jesus and we'll see her when Jesus makes the world new and we can play dragons with her again.  I bet she plays dragons with Jesus. 

(Malachi) And yeah!  She's the Rainbow Princess with Jesus now!'

(Malachi & Caleb - boys after Vienne's heart.  Oh, be still my heart)

> From Natalie, 3 yrs. old ~ Natalie is full of imagination and creative questions.  Every night she and her mommy pray for us, which sparks a plethora of fabulous questions about Heaven.    Her mommy, Brooke, has shared these questions with me:
     ~Natalie asked if the dinosaurs in heaven could give Vienne a kiss and a hug. Brooke answered with a hearty and enthusiastic "yes!"
     ~Another night, Natalie wanted to know if Jesus could go to Papa Murphy's and get a pizza for Vienne in Heaven.
     ~Natalie wanted to know if Jesus could go to Petco and pick out a kitty for Vienne and take it back to Heaven.
     ~And, another night she asked if Vienne and Jesus could play hide and seek as well as Chutes and Ladders together.
     ~She asked if Vienne's baby dolls would be sad that she was in Heaven and in the next breath asked if Vienne could have M&Ms in Heaven too.
     ~Natalie asked if, when we get to heaven, Jesus and God would answer the doorbell or if Vienne would.  Then, in the same conversation, she also asked if boy angels bite or had sharp teeth because she didn't want Vienne to play with those guys.
     ~Finally, Natalie asked how Vienne got to Heaven...did she drive or walk?  Brooke told her that Vienne flew.

(Vienne and Natalie, summer of 2011)

>From Ella, 3 yrs. old ~ When looking at this blog full of pictures of Vienne, Ella got so excited to see her.  She looked up at the ceiling (towards heaven) and said "You are so sweet and beautiful, Vienne.  I miss you."
~ One night at bedtime prayers, Ella wanted to pray for Vienne and send a big hug and kiss to her.  She even blew it up to the sky.  She said that she misses Vienne so much.  *tears*

(Vienne and Ella, and Ella's mommy, Eileen - summer 2012)

>From Maya, 7 yrs. old ~ Maya's family just moved to Beaverton, from the beach.  On her first day at the new school she was very quiet and sad...for it was just a few days following Vienne's passing.  A little boy was sitting next to her and noticed her sadness.  The little boy mentioned Vienne's name and Maya's head popped up:  "How do you know my friend, Vienne?!"  The little boy turned out to be our friend's son, Eli.  Eli told Maya that his daddy wrote Vienne a song and he would bring the CD to school the next day, for her.  And, he did.  (this was the song that was played at her service).

**If anyone else has anything else to contribute, from their children, please email or message me.  I want to document every memory of Vienne so that I may cherish them always.

{Memories} ~ from Eva Myers

I didn't get to know Vienne much beyond watching her grow via pictures and posts online, we both moved out of Cannon Beach and on our lives continued; but there is one very specific memory that had a huge impact in my life.

I was working at Waves of Grain, and I was in a relationship with a guy that had begun to get pretty serious, the same man I now call my husband. Before then, I never wanted to marry, have kids, or anything simply because I didn't trust people. I had a rough childhood, and didn't want to let anyone close enough, until I met Dave. I was at a point that I either wanted to end the relationship before it got more serious, or take a risk. Stay in the comfort of the coast, or move on to new territory. Then in walked you and Mark and baby Vienne.

You three gave me hope, gave me faith to take a step in my life that has brought me where I am today. Seeing the love, safety, and faith in your relationship gave me hope. Holding Vienne when she was a babe made me want to hold a child of my own. Knowing that a family can be so beautiful, and a child so loved. I remember she wore maybe a pink/orange striped sweater, and she had the biggest eyes full of wonder. She had the love of everyone around her. She was perfect. It was that run in that tipped me over to the side of being vulnerable for love. Soon after, Dave asked me if I wanted to move down to Tahoe so we didn't have to have a long distance relationship, and I said yes. So set the path of our life together, and I now know that was the best decision I've ever made. Seeing you three made me want to have a beautiful family, knowing how beautiful and full of love it could be. Seeing how loved Vienne is, how wonderful and full of life made me want a child of my own.

It's not much, compared to the other stories everyone else must have, but it made the hugest impact in my life, and it's something I've thought about over the years.

A letter from Grandma Lynn

Dear Sweet Vienne,

I had so much fun with you on our afternoon walks when I would visit.  Once we went into Albertsons to buy some white bread to feed ducks and you made me laugh when you said, “But this isn’t New Seasons!”  As we fed the ducks, you named one of the geese we saw and called him “Floatie”!  Oh how good you were at naming things!  It was funny when you forgot the name of the goose and asked me what his name was the next day when we took our walk! (“Floatie…it rhymes with Boatie”!)

You always like watching people who were fishing and I know your daddy loved the times he took you fishing.  You wanted to go out onto the floating dock at the pond.  We did that and it was easier to feed the ducks.  Do you remember how we jumped on the dock to make it move?  You thought that was pretty cool J!

On one walk, I kept asking if you were tired and you quickly answered, “no”…because we still needed to go to the playground.  But first, we went to the opening of Ace Hardware because they had live music.  They played great music for dancing.  I’m pretty sure you would’ve danced if just one person had been there dancing!  Of course, we had to stop at New Seasons and snack on their samples to be energized for the playground. 

We were in the jungle gym with the two steering wheels.  You loved it when we pretended to be boat captains.  I would say, “Big rock ahead, quick, steer to the left.”  I would steer my wheel and you would copy me in the same direction.  Then you would say, “Tree in the water” and we would each steer to not crash into the imaginary tree.  I think we created lots of obstacles to steer around…and your imagination was completely engaged, which was definitely such a distinctive part of your personality.  I’m pretty sure you got that from both your mommy and daddy.

Watching you break-dance with such free flowing agility and a huge smile on your face was a true highlight I will always remember.  As your dad said, you really had some moves!

Do you remember playing with the glitter playdoh your mom made?  That was so clever for her to put in glitter and add a mint smell to it as well.  We made so many shapes and spaghetti – like playdoh hair that you loved cutting with scissors.  I remember showing you how to put your fingers into the scissors so you could cut better.  You were so proud!

I am so glad you and your daddy could come to Brynn’s wedding.  You sat on the carpet right next to the dance floor at the reception just waiting for the music to start for the dancing.  And you danced so much that your joy made everyone smile!  You added to the celebration.  I remember two lines of people formed so that individual people could dance between them to show their moves.  You hesitated, but I said it was okay to dance your way down through the people who were lined up.  You were so cute as you danced to the middle, then stopped to keep dancing as the most adorable center of attention until someone motioned for you to keep moving to the end of the two lines!  You had so much energy that you stayed up until 10:30 I think. 

The next day, you were not cranky at all.  You were so sweet, playing with Elliott and Porter.  Most of all, the next day you got to play in the kiddie pool with your aunt Christy.  It was a hot day and we spent time at your uncle David and aunt Kinsey’s house.  They even had a bubble-blowing machine making bubbles above you as you played in the pool.  Brynn and her family were so so happy to have you at their wedding!

One of my most hilarious memories was watching you and your daddy dancing to some very fun music, doing all sorts of amazing, random moves!  There was the fort built out of couch pillows, you sitting on the counter in the kitchen helping your mom, me getting to read stories to you before bedtime, sword fights with your sword that made noise, and your daddy entertaining your keen imagination as he demolished the lincoln log tower he had built for your dinosaurs and ponies.  That tower was like a castle.  You watched as your dad used two of your ponies to crash down the tower in slow motion…only because it was there for weeks already and time to take it down to build a different one later!

Another memory…in Cannon Beach…you weren’t ready for a nap and I took you outside to toddle around your neighborhood.  You saw a cricket and were fascinated.  You toddled a few steps and as you got closer to the cricket, you accidentally stepped right on it.  You were so little that you didn’t even realize what you had done.  That little walk was enough to tire you out and you went right to sleep for your nap then. 

When you first arrived at Brynn’s wedding, I loved it when you ran part-way across the grass field and jumped up for a giant hug with me.  Your mommy described you as “magical” and I would say “absolutely magical”!  I’ll always remember how green was your favorite color and when I asked why, you said “because my eyes are green”!

You will always be in my heart, but I have to say that it breaks my heart to be apart from you.  I was looking forward to more adventures and the joys of watching you grow into an amazing young lady.

You know, of course, that you were blessed with two incredible parents…as they were also blessed by you, a lot!  If you could, I’m sure you’d be saying to them, “I love you both so much and I know how very, very much you loved me.  You both were the ‘best ever’ parents.  Ivy doesn’t know yet how lucky she is to have you both…but, she will!”

I miss you sweet Vienne.  I will always miss you…until I see you again in Heaven.  I am having tidal waves of disbelief that you are apart from us and tsunami waves of grief.

                I am so glad you loved Jesus and knew how much He loves you.  I have to hang onto that.  I love you little precious sweet one.

Much Love Always,

Grandma Lynn

"Beautiful Vienne"

This is the song that was written and recorded for Vienne immediately after she died, by John Bruce.  It was played at her memorial service.
John goes to my parent's church and I know his wife, though had not met him.  It touched us so that he was so affected by her death and therefore moved to write this song.  Thank you dearly, John. 
(I don't know how to upload the song directly to the blog, so here is the link)

Beautiful Vienne, by John Bruce

Memorial Service - 9/9/12

I need to jot down the specifics of all the was done at the service so that I will never forget...never forget the specific details that were planned just for Vienne and all the amazing people who rushed to make it perfect in 2 short days. 
We were told that around 500 people showed up to honor our beautiful daughter's life.  I am astounded by the number.  We tried to tell everyone to wear her favorite colors - blue and green.  I did not notice, of course, but I have heard that the chapel was an ocean of blue and green. 
There is a precious memory of mine that is stemmed from the blue and green hydrangeas that filled the chapel.  The night before Vienne was ripped from my life, she and Mark went on a little walk.  She was dressed all up in her new Cinderella dress and matching plastic click-clack shoes.  Her hair was twisted up in a bun and she was wearing a string of my pearls.  She was soooooooo breathtakingly beautiful.  I stood in the window and just watched her slowly click clack down the sidewalk with Daddy.  She kept pointing up at the sky and I remember that I thought I should take a picture of this.  She was on a hunt to pick flowers for me.  My thoughtful, sweet, loving girl.  When they eventually came back home, she comes in with her excited, yet mischievous grin, holding something behind her back.  She tells me to close my eyes because she has a surprise.  She gently lays a beautiful blue hydrangea in my hands.  She was so excited that she found some flowers that were her favorite color.  She always melted my heart.  Thank you to Brooke for collecting the hundreds of hydrangeas for my sweet sweet girl.

Our talented sister in law, Kinsey, composed the most beautiful video montage of photos and home movies.  Each time we watch it, it brings gut wrenching sobs.  Oh, she was so beautiful and full of joy and life.  Kinsey also designed and printed hundreds of beautiful "programs" for the service.  She worked so hard, nonstop, all weekend long...through her shock and grief.

A day after Vienne's passing, we heard that John Bruce, a man from my mom and stepdad's church, was so moved by her loss that he started to write a song for her.  By saturday, he recorded it so that it could be played at her service.  He would've loved to sing it live, but his emotion was too strong.  Beautiful Vienne - it was played at the service while the picture of her dressed up as a "Princess Fairy Rainbow" was displayed on the screen.  It was perfect.

My stepfather, Tom, read a letter from my Mom.  My sister in law, Kinsey, read my letter through a compassionate mother's tears.  My brother in law, Jeremy, read a letter from my sister, Kate.  And, Mark shared his most lovely and heartfelt words with a strength even I didn't know he had.

Our Pastor Bob Hyatt from our church, The Evergreen Community, delivered an appropriate and powerful homily.

The service was concluded by my sister in law, Becky, singing the lullaby that I sang to Vienne and sing to Ivy now - Tell Me Why.  It was emotional and tender.  Perfect.

Green frosted chocolate cupcakes were made and contributed by many, served with Sleepy Monk coffee.

The line of people that wanted to hug me and share their tears was staggering and overwhelming, to say the least.  But, I really wanted to see who all was there.  Feeling their sympathetic pain, helped me to express my own deep deep sorrow.

One of the worst days of my life.  But I am so overwhelmingly appreciative for the selfless work that was rushed to put this together in such a short amount of time so that all who had flown in could come to the service.  I will be forever grateful. 

{Memories} ~ from Brynn Weagraff Esbenshade

"Out of all the things you could remember about your wedding day, Vienne is a special memory from mine! I was hiding behind some trees waiting to begin the ceremony and Mark and Vienne arrived. I am pretty sure she liked my dress :) because she could not stop staring. She was so adorable. She showed me her bracelets, gave me a hug, and told me I was beautiful in her sweet little voice, just that could have made my day. But it was only the begining of such a fun evening.

At the reception she danced the Whole night! I love looking through photos and Vienne is in almost everyone of the dance floor. She is sometimes the center of attention in the photo, but mostly you see her among the "big people" on the dance floor watching and dancing. I am pretty sure that I danced with Vienne more than any other person that night, even more than my new husband! But so worth it as she sparkled with her smile and excitement. Afterwards, I spoke with my family about how she just could not leave the "party" and they all noticed the same thing! She was certainly marveled at that night!

The other memories I love are of the children really wanting the cupcakes! Just standing at the cupcake table staring, I like to imagine what they and Vienne were thinking....

I feel so blessed to have had such a special experience with Vienne on such a big day in my life.

Her sweetness and pure heart make me smile.

Love, Brynn"