Recently, I have attempted and succeeded at picking up my new Bible to peak at a few verses that have always been favorites. Isaiah 43:1-4 has ALWAYS been my standby or go-to in times of struggle. If you know it or read it right now, you will think "oh how appropriate for Jenny!". I read it. It was fine. Believing it? Hhmm.....that's hard. But I am trying, at least, to walk the "steps" and pry it open.
But, prayer? Prayer is really difficult. I must come clean and admit, that I fear I have lost the ability to see the purpose in prayer anymore...or at least for now. Forgive me, in advance, for sounding so cynical...but here comes my raw honesty. With prayer, I feel like I am just one of God's pawns in this "game" He set up here on Earth. In His Word, He tells us to pray and worship Him..."knock, and the door will be open"..."ask, and you shall receive"..."seek and you will find"....etc. But, from my experiences, I feel now that really REALLY, in the end, God is still going to do what He is going to do. No matter what we pray. There is no "right" amount of people that you can enlist to pray...there are no "perfect" "spiritual" words you can beg and plead and pray to change His mind. He is still going to do what He intends to do. So, why do we pray? I really don't get it anymore. I am ridiculously logical and this is not adding up to me, anymore. You can't "pray hard enough" or "long enough" or "ask enough people"...in the end, it will still be what He has planned or intended. And, then...THEN when our prayers are not answered as we wished, we say say things like "well, this wasn't in His will" or "sometimes, 'No' answer IS the answer"...and so on and so forth. But, really, it's just a gamble. Praying seems like gambling to me. But, He tells us to do it and so we obey, without question. But, I'm starting to question.
God was given SO MANY opportunities to turn the situation around that morning when Vienne died...so many different prayers were lifted up to Him. But, He still did what He wanted to do. So, why should I pray? I am not seeing the point anymore. So, you say Vienne's death was in His will? Well, I don't like His will anymore! (believe me, I am not afraid at getting mad at God...I know He can handle my anger or whatever I dish out at Him).
I know sooooo many people are praying for me. (and, please, really don't stop...cuz as backwards as this sounds, it still means so much to me. I need as much help as I can get even if my faith waivers). But, lately, it feels like the stress and attack is still not letting up. Ivy is sick AGAIN, this week! Vienne was NEVER sick as a baby and now Ivy gets two bugs within 3 weeks?! Every week feels like a new hurdle and trial to wade through. And, I feel I don't have the strength. And, people are praying HARD for me. And, then, my Mom tells me that I need to start praying, myself. But, I don't know how! I've tried here and there, sure. I've uttered pleas for help, of course I have. But, I am so under attack. And, I don't know if I see the purpose in it anymore.
I just wish that God would pursue me a little bit, you know? Make Himself REALLY known to this skeptical doubter right now. I am so weary and shattered and broken to try to chase after Him and beg and plead and pray and see no fruit in it. Why can't He just come to me?
So, my main question is this: Why do YOU pray? I am curious, really. But, please, I am not looking to be preached at. I can't handle that. Take into account that I know a lot and have walked most of my life with Christ. There is not much I haven't heard as far as "Christian jargon" goes. But, I am curious about personal testimony regarding prayer. Maybe something will encourage me. Who knows.
*Also, if you don't mind...I love it when you leave your name so that I can know you and thank you. And, also if you hit "Subscribe by Email" my responses should be emailed back to you. I hope. I do try my best to respond to your comments...I'm not great at it all the time because I am a flake these days. But, I want you all to know how much your comments mean to me and I want to extend my love back to you.