**(I am starting to try to organize some old posts that were half-written and never published to the blog. Bear with me as my thoughts are scattered. A handful of posts might be coming out, solely focused on spiritual stuff and wrestlings. Things I have not known how to get out of my head with eloquence. But I am starting to roll up my sleeves and at least attempt to put some words to my thoughts and frustrations. Here's just a small snippet….something I jotted down a while ago.)**
We all know that my husband and I have suffered an unimaginable loss. Absolutely, the worst kind of loss there is. I'm sure that everyone can agree with that.
It was once pointed out to me that I have also suffered another kind of tragic loss after Vienne passed away. My faith.
Well, I guess I am not going to go so far as to say that my faith is completely lost…but it is most certainly shattered. If you know me, then you know that I had always been a very strong and convicted believer in Jesus Christ. I've never followed any denomination. I've never related to "religiosity". But I had always had a firmly rooted faith. My faith was what I based many of my decisions and choices, opinions and convictions, my parenting style and lifestyle…etc. on. I had never agreed with a "shove Jesus in your face" kind of Christianity. Yuck. But, I maintained my strong beliefs and enjoyed any conversation on the topic if anyone else was mutually interested. I believe I had a personal relationship with Jesus and I gladly introduced Vienne to the Jesus I once knew.
This was my foundation…for most of my life. I unwaveringly developed myself around this faith. So, all that to say, for this foundation of faith to be shattered…I agree with the suggestion that this should be counted as another significant kind of loss. (*and to other bereaved parents, I am not trying to say that my loss is more intense than yours. We all know that it is all relevant to our own personal lives and experiences.) I have a hard time admitting things like this because I hate sounding so "woe is me".
This is where I currently stand on God and Jesus….
I do believe in God. I do believe that He is the only God and I do believe in His Son, Jesus Christ. I do believe they are one in the same, yet separate. (That one is difficult to explain to those who haven't been raised with this belief: The way I was taught was to think about how you are a mother as well as a daughter…or a Dad as well as a friend. You are two different people in those roles, yet still the same 1 person. That's how I've seen it, anyway. Yes, it's a little weird and sometimes I still can't wrap my brain around it if I try to think too hard.)
What has changed for me now…is that I do not like God anymore…or right now, at least. I do not want to worship Him. I do not thank Him for my circumstances. I do not agree with His choices. I do not believe that He is entirely "good" in our human understanding of "goodness". I don't, however, have a beef with Jesus, for some reason. I know that sounds odd. I can't really explain it. Jesus is more personable to me. I admire the Man that He was, here on earth. But God makes me angry…makes me cringe. I believe in Him…but I do not like Him.
I don't fully understand, anymore, if He is fully in control of all things, here on earth…or not. I have a VERY difficult time, now, understanding that an "all-powerful" and loving God would allow sooooo much ugliness and hurt and horror and tragedy on this earth. I feel like more prayers against those horrors in our world go unanswered than answered. Meaning, I see more tragedies than miracles. The only question I have come to from this perspective, now, is that maybe He has more power on His side of Heaven than on this one? On the earth side? Because why?? Otherwise, why?? I have a hard time wanting to worship a God that could intervene but rarely does. I don't like that. So, I almost want to resolve that….maybe He just can't.
How to reconcile all of this?? I have no clue.
(I think I'll tackle the topic of prayer and religion in another post….so many thoughts)