Sunday, August 25, 2013

Beautiful words from Kristel

"Do you see her?
Do you see her outward beauty? Her hair is always pretty. Her clothes are always fashionable. She is beautiful and slim. 

She holds the hand of the cutest, teeny tiny toddler with her adorable grin. 
She smiles. 
She is polite. 
She may even laugh. 
She visits and listens and cares about others.
But do you see her?
Do you see the "limb" that she is missing?
Do you see her grief? Her gut wrenching pain? 
Do you see a mother without her beloved daughter?
Do you see the hole that is left in her heart?
Do you see her armor she wears to battle each new day?
Do you see a Daughter questioning WHY of her Heavenly Father?
Do you see her strength to continue on without her first born?
When you are shopping in the store, see her having coffee, or have the privilege of spending time with her- do you see a hero?
Do you see a survivor who has gotten up and faced every moment of every day for almost an entire year without her precious girl? 
She is surviving. 
She is a hero. 
She is a mommy to two girls. 
She is my friend. 
She is amazing. 
...We never know what others around us are enduring. Why they may be having a "bad day" or why they act how they do. We are so quick to judge. Let's remember to show kindness and compassion to everyone we meet. To show love. Grace. To be a Light. I need to remember this as I go through my days. We never know how we may be a blessing to even a stranger."

My beautiful dear friend, Kristel, posted this today on her Facebook page after spending the morning with me and Ivy.  I cannot read it without racking sobs.  She is a true friend who sees me...sees past my hard exterior that I work so hard to keep up so that I don't fall apart.  She sees past my grumpiness that seeps out at any frustration thrown at me.  She doesn't take it personally.  She knows.  And she loves me.

Please pray for me.  I don't ask this often...but I am really severely struggling right now.  And, I am fully acknowledging the "spiritual" attack that is being waged on me right now.  Not only am I barely able to manage my intense grief as the 1 year mark quickly approaches....but now we are facing trials with our new rental.  It is a long horrible story where everything that could go wrong has at every turn. We are planning to move this next Saturday and I just don't know if it can all be worked out by then.  My nerves are fried.  My heart feels shredded.  I am worn and exhausted and at my end.

I do not want to live this life I have been dealt.


  1. Oh Jenny... you poor girl. I've been praying so much for you all lately. I'm so sorry it's so rough. I finished my big landscaping project this weekend. It was birthed out of Vienne's birthday celebration - a packet of seeds in an ugly, weed filled space. Slowly, slowly, slowly after careful planning and hours and hours and hours of back breaking work, the ledge is a thing of beauty. Flowers are blooming and it will only get prettier each year. I prayed for your family as I worked. It will always remind me of Vienne and to pray for you and your family.

  2. I am praying for you, Jenny. I am so, so sorry. I am just a person who reads your blog, somewhere far away, and I am praying for you tonight with all my heart. Tears and blessings.

  3. If you need help at all with the move, Michael and I are free. We are excellent at schlepping boxes and furniture.

  4. I'm praying for you Jenny. Love B

  5. Jenny and Mark,
    I am praying for you. My wish is that you would collapse into the Lord's arms and allow him to take the wheel. I cannot understand the burden you two carry and then have to deal with the headache of the world at the same time. I pray that you will find rest at night and restorative sleep so that you may have a little extra energy to get through this time. I pray for you everyday and as the year mark approaches my prayers are doubled. <3

  6. I am praying for you Jenny. My heart is heavy for you, Mark and sweet baby Ivy. I can't imagine your bruden. Please know I am praying hard for you. Mona

  7. My heart aches for you Jenny. Praying.

  8. Dear Jenny,

    I just wanted to let you know, I love you. Not because I know you; I don't. Not because I am forced to, but because you are simply perfect. In all your brokeness and all your raw grief, you are exactly what God intended you to be; an empty vessel for Him to work thru. Although it may seem like you have hit rock bottom and need all the help and prayer you can get, you have done so much for me... just your words. Thank you.

    You sister in Christ

  9. It really sucks that you have to live this life, it's just so unfair, and beyond our understanding. The grief you must carry each day is unbearable, unfathomable, and incomparable. My heart aches for you, and even praying for strength for you sometimes feels pointless, because I imagine this hand you've been dealt is utterly exhausting. But I pray that strength would find you when you have none, that solace would find you when you are exhausted, and that guidance would be yours as you juggle the trials of the grief you bear. Praying for you often.

  10. Jenny,
    That poem was right on for you...said so beautifully. Your friend 'knows' you and 'sees' you and still loves you!
    Praying for you and all the other grieving mothers. Praying that you have the strength to move. Don't hold it in, release it, it feels so invigorating and free-but only for a moment. Just let go and let God.

  11. Dear Jenny,

    I have recently started reading your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl Vienne. I cannot even imagine losing a child. I have a good friend who lost her son several years ago. She is a lovely good person and I often wonder how she goes through life as an overall happy and positive role model to others. Time has allowed her to heal but she never forgets.

    We all struggle with different things in our lives. Some more unbearable than others. I am writing to you to let you know that I am praying for you and know that you are not alone in your grief.

    I hope you can find comfort in your little girl Ivy and in the rest of your family.

  12. Oh Jenny. My heart just aches for you and Mark. God often brings you to my mind and I pray for you whenever He does. I pray that God would meet you in this dark place in the depths of your soul of which only He is aware. That He would give you the strength to walk this horrible journey you are now on. That He would give you glimpses of joy through Ivy. That He will send His angels to do battle on your behalf with all these spiritual attacks. And I pray that He will help you find a way to hold the tension of grief and joy that your life now holds. Even though you feel weak right now there is a strength about you and the way you have already been walking this journey. You are not forgotten, you are not alone.

    Sarah Covington Nichols

  13. I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this:( It's cliche to say but, the pain you feel is unimaginable to most of us. Even though your sweet girl is in a good place, I know you'd much rather have her in your arms.

    Sending lots of prayers your way.

  14. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny......

    This hand you have been dealt is beyond tragic. I say so many times to you that I would feel the exact same way. I would curse the moon and the stars until the end of time. This is the darkness, this is the nightmare at it's worst. I pray for you and think about you and your family every day. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Rest your heart my far away friend, don't hate yourself for feeling the way you do. You are not alone. Vienne is still holding your hand from the other side.

  15. Praying for you and your husband. Praying that in some miraculous way, the anguish and burden of this day one year ago is in the slightest....tolerable to get through. You are on my heart quite often. Pleading with our Father to give you something to grasp onto, to keep on pressing on. Your Vienne is so dear to my heart that I think of her often. Just finding your blog and learning so much about who this little girl was, there's no way you cannot adore her and find yourself changed.

    There's a song by Tenth Avenue North titled "Worn" and you come to my mind every time I hear it. My prayer is that Christ will send you a glimpse of heaven on earth, that can in some way make you feel as close to your precious baby as possible during the agonizing separation.

    You are a light even in your darkest days, even if you only feel sad all the time. You are a challenger to those of us who take life for granted. You are an encourager to love those around us more. You are just as Christ created all of us to be, sharing raw and real emotion, finding joy when you were stripped one of the biggest pieces of your heart, pressing on and enduring this hard and sometimes brutal world. Thank you for sharing your heart and your girl with us.

  16. Dearest Jenny, I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you in this dark night. Yesterday was the darkest night of the month (it was new moon), but now the moon is growing and with that I hope you get some light even in the darkest hours of the night. Sending my love. B

  17. Thank you to EVERYONE here for these thoughtful and loving comments. They were so needed in that dark dark hour just a week before the "1 yr. mark". I apologize that I did not respond to each of you, individually this time. I have been overwhelmed with so many notes and comments of love that I am trying to catch up. Please know that you are all appreciated and loved and I NEED these comments of encouragement and love.