This is what I am currently feeling.
Apathetic and despondent.
I know I don't owe anyone any explanations or anything, but it is still in my character to care. And, so I wanted to come on here and just explain why my blog posts are fewer and further between and why my email and/or comment responses take almost a month to accomplish. I am struggling with apathy.
I look at my inbox each day and just watch it fill up but I just can't seem to find it in me put effort into much more than my and Ivy's survival right now. But, don't get me wrong - I LOVE LOVE the comments and emails and texts that send love and prayers and encouragement. I need them. I thrive off of them. I cherish them. And, I am so thankful to those who take the bold move to reach out to me. And I know that no one writes me with an expectation that I have to write back - but it is in my "normal" nature to do so. So, this apathy wars inside of me with my natural inclination to show that I care. I want to be able to express my gratitude and I want to encourage people to keep the loving correspondences coming…but I guess I am writing this just to let you know that I might not be as immediate as I once was. I read each and every single email and comment, but it might take me a month to respond. But, I promise that I will. Eventually. And, like I said, I know that no one expects anything from me. This is not coming from a place of feeling pressured by anyone…but myself. I want to be able to give back, but it is just very hard for me right now. Please don't give up on me. Even though I don't write on here too often right now, I know it is just a phase. Please continue to come back and check in …. eventually I will get back on the blog track. Even sitting down to write this one took me a lot of focus and discipline.
Thank you all for being here and loving me and supporting me. I am just in a really dark place these days.