Wednesday, November 6, 2013

{Home Video}: Vienne's Wii bump, age 4

This is just a random video that I know hasn't been shared yet.  Nothing too extraordinary, just her gosh-darn cuteness...and even a little whining snuck in there at the end.  I even miss the whining voice.  She was somewhat of a perfectionist with herself (unlike no one I know....ahem...) and when she couldn't get it just right, she would sometimes give up like this.  Some people have a hard time believing that she whined or even needed discipline…but she did.  She was still a child.  As "flawless" as I claim her to be (and as you witness her to be)…she was still a child.  There was discipline, for sure.  I can just count the times on my fingers… ;)

I miss her deeply.  The unfairness of it all keeps haunting me.  I just want my old life back so so badly.  It is such a horror to wake up each day to realize that I am still forced to live my nightmare.  I feel like a prisoner.  This is my sentence.  I will always find ways to discover joy in this prison…I will strive hard to "make the best" of my horrid fate…but I will always want out.  I will always want to escape.  I will always pine for the life I once had.

So here I am playing and replaying home videos of my girl…striving to bring her light into my prison.  It is a sad and happy thing to watch them.   Here is this silly video of my precious Vienne playing on the Wii.


  1. Awwww, so precious! I love her little polka dot pants.

    I remember seeing Elizabeth Edwards being interviewed by Oprah, after finding out there was nothing else they could do to treat her breast cancer. She told Oprah she had no fear of death at all because she was going to finally be reunited with her son Wade. I know it's of no comfort because you still have your whole life to live but, your sweet girl will greet you with open arms one day!

    1. I love her polka dot jammy pants too. We seemed to have spent a lot of time in our jambes - I think most videos of her are in some sort of jams!
      Thank you for your encouragement.

  2. Simple, beautiful memories. I would be watching them on repeat too. Just seeing the back of her little head, her little bun, hearing her little voice. Oh Jenny, I would want out of the nightmare too. We can never go back unfortunately, and even if we did, the universe would find a way to make it never the same again. The death of a child is so final, the absolute worst thing in my opinion anyone could go through. And yet here you are......never far from my thoughts. My wish every night is that you will hold V again. I know in my heart you will.

    1. You stated it all so precisely, Haylee. It IS so final and, yes, I believe too that it is the absolute worst thing to go through. I would (and I know you would…as well as most mothers!) opt for ANY other kind of torture or trama or loss in order to save the life of my child. ANY.
      Thank you, always, for always keeping me near to your thoughts. It ALWAYS means so very much to hear. xo

  3. She is so perfect. Loved watching her little bottom shake. Beautiful little girl. Love you friend, think and pray for you all the time. XOXO

  4. Missing You Always

    You never said I'm leaving
    You never said goodbye
    You were gone before we knew it
    And only God knows why

    A million times I needed you
    A million times I cried
    If love alone could have saved you
    You never would have died

    In life I loved you dearly
    In death I love you still
    In my heart I hold a place
    That only you can fill
    Saw this poem And instantly thought of you!