My precious, darling, magical Girl ~
Do you know how much Mommy loves you???? ...to this, you used to answer "SOOOOOOOOO MUCH" with your arms spread as wide as you could. "Who is my most favorite big girl in the whole world?" - you always always knew the answer to that. These things I am sure of.
Oh honey, I love you so much it hurts. From the moment you were born, I have loved you with such fierce intensity that I could swear I thought my heart might literally burst. You have been my obsession - healthy or not, I was completely and utterly obsessed with you. How am I supposed to carry on now?
Baby, I want you to know that I never missed a detail with you. And, I want the entire world to know who you were...to know with the certainty that we now know, that we had been entrusted with one of God's angels, in you. You were always soooo extraordinary and beautifully unusual and it never made sense to me until now. You were unearthly. Aside from the typical motherly bias, you were unlike ANY child we had ever known. And, anyone who knew you, knew that was the truth. Your Aunt Katy said that you set the standard...a standard that was ridiculous and most likely unattainable. I would look at you and just wonder "where did you
come from?? how did
she come from
me???" Grammy always said you were enchanting...and that is so appropriate. You romanced us with your enchantment...always.
It sounds impossible but your innocence was unworldly pure and without blemish. You never had a mean bone in your body. I do not exaggerate. Not once, not ever were you unkind or disrespectful to anyone (aside from your mommy and daddy from time to time...which was a relief and confirmed that you were human!). Not once did you hit, push, shove, grab a toy away, or say an unkind word. You found joy in sharing and encouragement. What child does that??!! When someone was unkind to you, your response was always sadness and then a resolve to pray for them with the certainty that Jesus would make them nice. You loved, my Dear One. You loved like no other. And, forever, you will be my example of how to love.
And, how to trust in Jesus. Your faith was unwavering. You just knew that Jesus was your friend and that He was always with you and would always be with you when you needed Him. You would say to me "mama, don't worry, be happy, Jesus will make it better". You taught me about faith.
And, you taught me how to be a friend. That was all you ever wanted....friends. Each and every time we went to the park, that was your mission...to make a new friend. If there weren't kids at the playground, we would leave in search of another where there were children playing. You would set your eyes on someone (older or younger than you - you didn't care) and you would tell me that you wanted to go say "hi" to them. And, you would walk right up, ask their names and if they would play with you. You taught me how to be uninhibited and to set aside my pride.
Sweetheart, have I mentioned the kind of big sister that you were? It was unreal. You were every parent's dream. You loved Ivy with such a selfless and precious love. Not once, no not ever, were you annoyed, frustrated by, or jealous of her. When she pulled your hair you would patiently move your head along in the direction of her pulling. When she grabbed you, you would exclaim "Mama, Ivy is touching me!!" And, that was all you wanted from Ivy - to touch her and to be touched by her. When she cried loudly, you would
NEVER complain. When I had to steal away with her to put her to sleep 4 times a day, you were
ALWAYS understanding and patient. When I was holding you, and Ivy would begin to fuss, not once did you protest when I ultimately had to put you down for her. You broke my heart with your love for her and your patience. You were a better sister than I have ever been. You taught me selflessness.
Oh, and your imagination was like no other! Oh how you would take us on the most magical rides into your world of imagination. You were so beautiful to watch when you played. Your imagination knew no bounds. You had make-believe friends and even toys. If a real toy was missing from the pile, you could create it in your head and then play with it, never missing the real thing. And the names that you came up with were genius and fantastical...Thorthura! And Cortica, and Thixa, Asstag, Cortea, a restaurant named Narballs! And, when we'd ask you the name of this or that, you would immediately answer with these wild names, right off the top of your head, as if that's just exactly how it always was. When we walked down the sidewalk, you would rarely just "walk"...but most often, you would gallop and hold pretend reigns. You taught me how to open my eyes.
You amazed me. Always. ....Vienne, I miss you so much. There is not one moment I regret with you, and for that I am so happy and proud. You literally touched every person that you came in contact with. You were my everything. And, I know you've left a part of your spirit here, in your sister for us. When I look at her, I see you. She will be her own, but she will carry you on. And, I promise to love her just the same.
There is nothing in this world that I will ever want more than to have you back...but this life is cruel and so I will have to wait. I will always ache for the day to hold your sweet tiny body again and caress your beautiful hair and kiss every single inch of your face, as I always did every morning. You have taken a part of my heart with you. I love you, Baby. Mama loves you.
