Friday, September 28, 2012

our little fish




Vienne took her first swim lessons this past summer of 2012, at Children of the Sea.  It was her most favorite thing to look forward to each and every week.  We had been a bit nervous in the beginning because we knew her fear of the water touching her face.  But, once in the care of a teacher (outside of her parents) she became fearless!  We were so amazed and proud.  The teacher's main objective, in the class, was to get them comfortable with putting their "eyes in".  "Eyes in!  Eyes in!" she would continually exclaim over and over.  One of my favorite memories at class, was how Vienne would calmly/gently speak up to the teacher, though, and tell her in a sweet voice that she didn't like to put her nose under the water.  Of course, she needed to learn, but I was so proud of her for not being afraid to speak up for herself...and to do it in such a sweet way, without whining or a fit of refusal like most kids.
At the end of the summer, one of Mark's co-workers invited us over a few times to swim in the pool.  This was the highlight of Vienne's summer!  She couldn't get her sundress off and floaties on quick enough!  She didn't think twice about jumping right in.  The other parents there (of children older than V) could not believe how fearless she was.  She didn't leave that pool the entire time we were there...with our constant supervision, of course.
She was born into water...it is no wonder she loved it so.

{Memories} ~ from Eva Myers



I didn't get to know Vienne much beyond watching her grow via pictures and posts online, we both moved out of Cannon Beach and on our lives continued; but there is one very specific memory that had a huge impact in my life.

I was working at Waves of Grain, and I was in a relationship with a guy that had begun to get pretty serious, the same man I now call my husband. Before then, I never wanted to marry, have kids, or anything simply because I didn't trust people. I had a rough childhood, and didn't want to let anyone close enough, until I met Dave. I was at a point that I either wanted to end the relationship before it got more serious, or take a risk. Stay in the comfort of the coast, or move on to new territory. Then in walked you and Mark and baby Vienne.

You three gave me hope, gave me faith to take a step in my life that has brought me where I am today. Seeing the love, safety, and faith in your relationship gave me hope. Holding Vienne when she was a babe made me want to hold a child of my own. Knowing that a family can be so beautiful, and a child so loved. I remember she wore maybe a pink/orange striped sweater, and she had the biggest eyes full of wonder. She had the love of everyone around her. She was perfect. It was that run in that tipped me over to the side of being vulnerable for love. Soon after, Dave asked me if I wanted to move down to Tahoe so we didn't have to have a long distance relationship, and I said yes. So set the path of our life together, and I now know that was the best decision I've ever made. Seeing you three made me want to have a beautiful family, knowing how beautiful and full of love it could be. Seeing how loved Vienne is, how wonderful and full of life made me want a child of my own.

It's not much, compared to the other stories everyone else must have, but it made the hugest impact in my life, and it's something I've thought about over the years.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Missing you




I miss you.  SO.  MUCH.  The ache is staggering.

I miss hearing the sound of an elephant stampede as you ran across the floor downstairs while I slept in in the mornings.  I still lay in bed in the mornings and think I hear it

I miss how you woke me up in the mornings.  How you would bust through the bedroom door and pitter patter to my side of the bed and say "Ivy is hungry, Mama", as Dad would be bringing her in.  Then I would grab you and pull you up and you would get this HUGE grin on your face because I had chosen to give you a few moments of snuggles all to yourself, before Ivy.

I miss the same question every morning from you - "where are we going today?"

I miss baking with you...how precise and careful you always were.


I miss how you played with T-Rex, Alice, and Toronado every single day and how you would always want to "throw out a party" for them.

I miss holding your little hand every where I go.  How you would stop at the beginning of any street and hold your hand up to walk across in the safety of my grasp. 

I miss making your day by offering you just a simple honey stick or 5 yogurt covered raisins, as a treat.  You were so pleased by the simplest of things.  (no, not deprived!)

I miss your hugs.  How you would let me fully embrace you and how you would literally melt in my arms...not sag, but melt with joy.  You would become butter in my arms, and I would just embrace you and kiss you all over and you just relished it.  You were never annoyed by how much I adored you.

I miss combing your sweet silky hair...how patient you were with letting me do it up in any new creative fashion I wished.  You were always soooo patient.


I miss how much you adored your sister.  You would get so excited when she would grab your hand or foot and you would exclaim "she's touching me, mama!!".  And, you would always ask "can I touch Ivy?". 


I miss how every big number was "20 hundred". 

I miss how you were never out to prove anything to anyone.  You never had to be the best.  You never had to have the most.  You didn't worry about fairness. 

I miss how everything was colored blue and green when coloring...every choice of anything of color had to be green or blue.  Green, because it matches your and my eyes and blue, because it matches Daddy's and Ivy's eyes.  I miss staring into your lovely eyes.  Blue and green are now my favorites.

I miss how you would talk all about your birthday tea party whenever you met someone new.  You had grown so outgoing this past year and it was so fun to watch.  You charmed everyone.


I miss how you would say "oh mom" when I did something silly.

I miss your response to me whenever I complained about a rainy day...you would say "it's not icky, mama - it's raining to water the flowers and make them grow!".  You make me well up with tears, you were so perfect.

I miss the way you ran.  If anyone reading this ever saw this girl run, you know what I am talking about.  Best.  Thing.  Ever.  wish I had a video.

I miss your daily creative goofiness - ie:  eating with a fork between your toes...accurately! ...wearing mismatched pajamas with rainboots and goggles  ...playing in my makeup  ....




I miss Ty (make believe friend) and Polly the Pony (a pony head on a stick).  I miss your amazing horse noises and your constant galloping everywhere we went. 

I miss watching you swim like a fish at swim class and your excited eagerness to go each week.


I miss our routines, your smell, your joy and love for life, your friendship and unconditional love.  I miss every fiber of you and I will never ever stop.  Why did you have to leave me?





Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A letter from Grandma Lynn


Dear Sweet Vienne,
I had so much fun with you on our afternoon walks when I would visit.  Once we went into Albertsons to buy some white bread to feed ducks and you made me laugh when you said, “But this isn’t New Seasons!”  As we fed the ducks, you named one of the geese we saw and called him “Floatie”!  Oh how good you were at naming things!  It was funny when you forgot the name of the goose and asked me what his name was the next day when we took our walk! (“Floatie…it rhymes with Boatie”!)
You always like watching people who were fishing and I know your daddy loved the times he took you fishing.  You wanted to go out onto the floating dock at the pond.  We did that and it was easier to feed the ducks.  Do you remember how we jumped on the dock to make it move?  You thought that was pretty cool J!
On one walk, I kept asking if you were tired and you quickly answered, “no”…because we still needed to go to the playground.  But first, we went to the opening of Ace Hardware because they had live music.  They played great music for dancing.  I’m pretty sure you would’ve danced if just one person had been there dancing!  Of course, we had to stop at New Seasons and snack on their samples to be energized for the playground. 
We were in the jungle gym with the two steering wheels.  You loved it when we pretended to be boat captains.  I would say, “Big rock ahead, quick, steer to the left.”  I would steer my wheel and you would copy me in the same direction.  Then you would say, “Tree in the water” and we would each steer to not crash into the imaginary tree.  I think we created lots of obstacles to steer around…and your imagination was completely engaged, which was definitely such a distinctive part of your personality.  I’m pretty sure you got that from both your mommy and daddy.
Watching you break-dance with such free flowing agility and a huge smile on your face was a true highlight I will always remember.  As your dad said, you really had some moves!
Do you remember playing with the glitter playdoh your mom made?  That was so clever for her to put in glitter and add a mint smell to it as well.  We made so many shapes and spaghetti – like playdoh hair that you loved cutting with scissors.  I remember showing you how to put your fingers into the scissors so you could cut better.  You were so proud!
I am so glad you and your daddy could come to Brynn’s wedding.  You sat on the carpet right next to the dance floor at the reception just waiting for the music to start for the dancing.  And you danced so much that your joy made everyone smile!  You added to the celebration.  I remember two lines of people formed so that individual people could dance between them to show their moves.  You hesitated, but I said it was okay to dance your way down through the people who were lined up.  You were so cute as you danced to the middle, then stopped to keep dancing as the most adorable center of attention until someone motioned for you to keep moving to the end of the two lines!  You had so much energy that you stayed up until 10:30 I think. 
The next day, you were not cranky at all.  You were so sweet, playing with Elliott and Porter.  Most of all, the next day you got to play in the kiddie pool with your aunt Christy.  It was a hot day and we spent time at your uncle David and aunt Kinsey’s house.  They even had a bubble-blowing machine making bubbles above you as you played in the pool.  Brynn and her family were so so happy to have you at their wedding!
One of my most hilarious memories was watching you and your daddy dancing to some very fun music, doing all sorts of amazing, random moves!  There was the fort built out of couch pillows, you sitting on the counter in the kitchen helping your mom, me getting to read stories to you before bedtime, sword fights with your sword that made noise, and your daddy entertaining your keen imagination as he demolished the lincoln log tower he had built for your dinosaurs and ponies.  That tower was like a castle.  You watched as your dad used two of your ponies to crash down the tower in slow motion…only because it was there for weeks already and time to take it down to build a different one later!
Another memory…in Cannon Beach…you weren’t ready for a nap and I took you outside to toddle around your neighborhood.  You saw a cricket and were fascinated.  You toddled a few steps and as you got closer to the cricket, you accidentally stepped right on it.  You were so little that you didn’t even realize what you had done.  That little walk was enough to tire you out and you went right to sleep for your nap then. 
When you first arrived at Brynn’s wedding, I loved it when you ran part-way across the grass field and jumped up for a giant hug with me.  Your mommy described you as “magical” and I would say “absolutely magical”!  I’ll always remember how green was your favorite color and when I asked why, you said “because my eyes are green”!
You will always be in my heart, but I have to say that it breaks my heart to be apart from you.  I was looking forward to more adventures and the joys of watching you grow into an amazing young lady.
You know, of course, that you were blessed with two incredible parents…as they were also blessed by you, a lot!  If you could, I’m sure you’d be saying to them, “I love you both so much and I know how very, very much you loved me.  You both were the ‘best ever’ parents.  Ivy doesn’t know yet how lucky she is to have you both…but, she will!”
I miss you sweet Vienne.  I will always miss you…until I see you again in Heaven.  I am having tidal waves of disbelief that you are apart from us and tsunami waves of grief.
                I am so glad you loved Jesus and knew how much He loves you.  I have to hang onto that.  I love you little precious sweet one.
Much Love Always,
Grandma Lynn

{Home Video}: She's got moves

this is one of our all-time favorite videos of Vienne's dance moves.  this girl loved to dance.  our favorite part, of course, is the tribute to Michael Jackson...unbeknownst to her.  if you listen very carefully after we laugh at that move, she says "sorry" in her cute little sheepish way.  such a sweet heart.  i love her so much it hurts.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

{Home Video}: "that was pretty great"

Another favorite video that I play over and over again.  I love her little shake of the head and mild frustration grunt when she misses catching the tube. I love how she says "that was pretty great" when dad threw to her - always the encourager. I love when she notices the camera on her, how she self-consciously pulls her shirt over her undies.  And, of course, I treasure that beautiful smile and giggle when she rushes to the camera.  Good grief, she took my breath away...she still does.

{Home Video}: sweet conversations

i have a ton of videos of my sweet girl that i am going to try to upload regularly.  i need to watch these often so that i can feel close to her.
this video just captured a mellow morning together in her room, while ivy napped.  She was playing dress up, which used to be unusual for my little tomboy, but just recently she was getting into "princessy" things. i can tell she had the sniffles that morning, by her sweet stuffy voice.  my heart leaps to my throat when she comes near the camera.  i want to kiss that sweet face, as i used to every day.  i miss my bestest little friend.  so.  very.  much.