Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Missing you

I miss you.  SO.  MUCH.  The ache is staggering.

I miss hearing the sound of an elephant stampede as you ran across the floor downstairs while I slept in in the mornings.  I still lay in bed in the mornings and think I hear it

I miss how you woke me up in the mornings.  How you would bust through the bedroom door and pitter patter to my side of the bed and say "Ivy is hungry, Mama", as Dad would be bringing her in.  Then I would grab you and pull you up and you would get this HUGE grin on your face because I had chosen to give you a few moments of snuggles all to yourself, before Ivy.

I miss the same question every morning from you - "where are we going today?"

I miss baking with precise and careful you always were.

I miss how you played with T-Rex, Alice, and Toronado every single day and how you would always want to "throw out a party" for them.

I miss holding your little hand every where I go.  How you would stop at the beginning of any street and hold your hand up to walk across in the safety of my grasp. 

I miss making your day by offering you just a simple honey stick or 5 yogurt covered raisins, as a treat.  You were so pleased by the simplest of things.  (no, not deprived!)

I miss your hugs.  How you would let me fully embrace you and how you would literally melt in my arms...not sag, but melt with joy.  You would become butter in my arms, and I would just embrace you and kiss you all over and you just relished it.  You were never annoyed by how much I adored you.

I miss combing your sweet silky patient you were with letting me do it up in any new creative fashion I wished.  You were always soooo patient.

I miss how much you adored your sister.  You would get so excited when she would grab your hand or foot and you would exclaim "she's touching me, mama!!".  And, you would always ask "can I touch Ivy?". 

I miss how every big number was "20 hundred". 

I miss how you were never out to prove anything to anyone.  You never had to be the best.  You never had to have the most.  You didn't worry about fairness. 

I miss how everything was colored blue and green when coloring...every choice of anything of color had to be green or blue.  Green, because it matches your and my eyes and blue, because it matches Daddy's and Ivy's eyes.  I miss staring into your lovely eyes.  Blue and green are now my favorites.

I miss how you would talk all about your birthday tea party whenever you met someone new.  You had grown so outgoing this past year and it was so fun to watch.  You charmed everyone.

I miss how you would say "oh mom" when I did something silly.

I miss your response to me whenever I complained about a rainy would say "it's not icky, mama - it's raining to water the flowers and make them grow!".  You make me well up with tears, you were so perfect.

I miss the way you ran.  If anyone reading this ever saw this girl run, you know what I am talking about.  Best.  Thing.  Ever.  wish I had a video.

I miss your daily creative goofiness - ie:  eating with a fork between your toes...accurately! ...wearing mismatched pajamas with rainboots and goggles  ...playing in my makeup  ....

I miss Ty (make believe friend) and Polly the Pony (a pony head on a stick).  I miss your amazing horse noises and your constant galloping everywhere we went. 

I miss watching you swim like a fish at swim class and your excited eagerness to go each week.

I miss our routines, your smell, your joy and love for life, your friendship and unconditional love.  I miss every fiber of you and I will never ever stop.  Why did you have to leave me?


  1. oh Jenny... that was my exact thought Echo. This is heartbreaking. I'm crying with you. I miss her too and I didn't even know her.

  2. Dear Jenny, I struggle to read these posts and watch these videos because the pain and suffering is so immense. But I read every one and watch every video because I understand your desire to make Vienne's beautiful spirit known, and I want to know her. I pray for you every day, and often feel at a loss for what to pray for. So I dig deep to remember what felt like could only be divine gifts brought about by the prayers of others during my own grief, and those are the things I pray for you and Mark. I remember the last time I saw you at Katy's bridal shower, Vienne was about 10 months old and you gushed adoringly about her. You truly understood that she was a gift, and you cherished her. I'm so so sorry for this horrific loss. Love, Sadie (Mitchell)

    1. Thank you, Sadie. I have no eloquent words right now. But, just thank you

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  4. My darling daughter...thank you for these bitter sweet memories of our V. How difficult, yet delightful, to read of these memories that I understand so well. The yearning, the longing for her is intense. These stories and memories help to keep her as near as is possible. How I await our reunion with her. My heart aches for you, my girl. As your mama, how I wish I could ease it for you - take some of the intensity. But I cannot. It seems we each bear our own weight as it is assigned. I love you so.