Caleb + Vienne

= Best Friends Forever.

It pains me to think about how Caleb has lost one of his bestest friends. 

It was joked (hoped) amongst us parents, that these two were destined to be together.  It was endearing to watch these two together.  Vienne was completely enamored with him.  Caleb absolutely adored her.  Sometimes, almost too much.  When they sat on the couch, he would put his arm around her and sneak in kisses...constantly.  It was adorable...and yet, sometimes...."ooookay, Caleb..that's probably enough!"  :)  But, she loved it.  He was always soooo gentle and loving with her.  Never did they argue or struggle with attitude towards each other. 

(break my heart cuteness)

Vienne would follow him anywhere.



Caleb's parents, Seth and Lacey, are two of our very best friends of all.  We have known them our entire marriage and we have been through so much together.  I couldn't be more thankful for them.  Lacey wrote a special blog for Vienne, here.

Caleb's little brother, Malachi who is 3, loved Vienne so so much, as well.  My memories are of Caleb and Vienne running around and poor Malachi running after, trying to keep up...calling after "Bienne!".  Both boys vied for her sweet attention.  Unfortunately, I do not have any pictures of Vienne and Kai playing.

Some of our kids' favorite activities included:  running amok through the Holbert's back yard - chasing chickens, exploring bugs, teasing the dogs, petting and feeding bunnies, and tromping through the mud.

 But, most most of all, they LOVED to dance.  And, they danced well.  Dance parties were a regular event when we visited.

Caleb ~  I love you, sweet boy.  So very much.  Thank you for loving my Beautiful Girl...for being such a good friend and for treating her, always, with such a gentle hand.  Vienne loved you truly.  My hope is that you will search for Vienne's qualities in a young woman to love, someday.  I am so sorry that you have had to experience such a horrible loss at such a young age.  It breaks my heart. 

The Holly Hoop 2012

I wanted to let all of you know about a cool opportunity that has been presented to us, during this tragedy of ours.  Through one of my dearest friends, I have been connected with another mom who lost her 2mo. old daughter last October to SIDS.  This family has created a day to honor their daughter, Holland (whom they called Holly), each October.  On this special day they are organizing a run/walk to celebrate her life.  Each year that they do this, they are choosing another family in the community who has also recently lost a child and therefore the run will also be in honor of that child.  As the Cottle family heard our story, they contacted me and would like to run for Vienne. *tears*
Please check out their blog with all of the info.  www.thehollyhoop.blogspot.com.  We would love it if anyone would like to participate.  We are definitely not ready to be "celebratory" in any way, but we are honored to join in and walk/run for our daughter.  This is not a fundraiser.  They will be taking donations...however we've been blessed enough by our friends and family - so please do not feel obligated to donate.  October 20th - please join us on the Holly Hoop in honor of our Vienne Juliet.  It should be a nice event to just support our grief during this time.
We will be wearing blue/green in remembrance of Vienne.  Join with us, if you'd like. 
A write up on Vienne will be posted to their blog shortly.
**And, please RSVP to their email which is on their blog.  They need to know how many to expect as this is their first year putting this together. 

{Memories} ~ from Aunt Lacey

(Lacey and Vienne at 4 mo.)

My story for Vienne

I remember getting the text when she was born. Early in the morning. When I read, 'Shes here! It's a girl!' I smiled sleepily. Of course its a girl. It didnt seem a surprise, it felt right. I was already envisioning Caleb (my eldest son) and this newest addition to the 'Piscibert-Holbelli' family (the clever name we came up with to describe our friendship) as being good friends. I even went so far as to imagine that one day Caleb and Vienne would fall in love and our family's would REALLY be family!

I didn't want to have little girls. I was afraid of the delicate emotions, the pinks and purples and ruffles and lace. I wanted to teach boys to chop wood and hike through the mountains. In reality, I was just denying the side of myself that was delicate, feminine and desired lace and ruffles. Vienne taught me that I could have both. I could slay dragons and wear a dress while doing so. I could have tea parties and then let my hair down to dance joyfully. Over the years of getting together with the Piscitellis and our families enjoying holidays and casual dinners and picnics, I allowed myself to see what the joys of having little girls might be. I began planning day trips for Vienne and I where we could get our nails done and then run bare footed through fields and pick daisies. I even began to long for a girl of my own, but was content knowing I would always have Vienne and her sister Ivy to fill that void.

Occasionally Vienne would come over for playdates to let Jenny sleep or rest during her pregnancy and early days with Ivy. What a joy. I never had to tell the kids to behave or correct them. My boys loved Vienne. Caleb was ridiculously gentle with Vienne. He would cuddle her and kiss her hair. He would ever so quietly whisper in her ear and hold her hand as though it might break. I was in awe of their friendship. And while Caleb is by nature a gentle boy, he was more gentle with Vienne than I've ever seen him with anyone else. I would even ask him, 'Why are you so nice to Vienne? Why don't you treat your brother just like that? (Which I knew wouldn't happen, because brothers will rough and tumble no matter what) He would reply, 'I am gentle with Vienne, because she is a girl and she's my favorite girl that is a friend. Vienne is very special to me.' It melted my heart. Vienne indulged the boys with her imaginative play of dragons and forts, run after them cautiously through the yard, stopping to gently pet our dogs and chickens and bunnies and squeal with delight over the goodness of it all. And then she would politely request that the boys wear necklaces with her and pretend to be fairies and princesses. I was proud of Vienne. Like an Aunt would be. I claimed her as part of our family, in the same way I claim Mark, Jenny and Ivy. I feel like I have lost my niece and I am devastated that I will never have camp trips with her where we will paint our nails and hike through the woods. I am devastated that my sons have lost their favorite play mate. We speak of V often. The boys become solemn and say quietly, 'We are sad about Vienne. She was such a good friend. She was a princess and our favorite girl.' I feel an ache in my bones for her loss. We have all lost. I feel as though I were cheated. I will pour my love for Vienne into Ivy. And Ivy and I will paint our toes and pick daisies. But Vienne has a special place in my heart. Ivy will too, but the truth is that Vienne held that place first. She softened me to what a dainty and brave girl could be... and in just 4.5 short years of life.
I look forward to our reunion, Little Fig. I miss your giggles, your hugs and your passion for art, dancing and coloring 'outside the lines.'
Love,
your Auntie 'Assy'. {how Vienne once pronounced "Lacey" when she first started talking.  It was appropriate. :) }

(Caleb and Vienne in 2009)

(Vienne and Aunt Lacey walking and chatting, 2009...and Malachi hidden in the ergo!)

Sisters

"...there were never such devoted sisters."

Two little girls.  Sisters.  Friends forever.  This was my dream come true. 

With both pregnancies, we opted to be surprised by the gender.  The guessing game was fun for us.  The anticipation of the surprise at the end was even more fun.  When I was pregnant with Vienne, I secretly hoped it was a girl.  I did not have an inclination either way...just a hope.  She was definitely more than everything I ever imagined a little girl could be.  Then, when I was pregnant with Ivy, I found myself, to my surprise, hoping again for another girl.  I wanted sisters.  I wanted a friend for Vienne like I have in my sister.  Again, I had no inclination either way.  But Vienne did.  She knew we were having a girl.  Unquestionably.  I love how most little kids' intuitions turn out to be accurate.  It was absolutely no surprise to her that I had birthed a little sister for her.

(pretending to sleep)

Oh and she was soooo ready to be a big sister.  If there was ever a perfect big sister, you know Vienne was it. 

I have the sweetest memories of Vienne on the day that Ivy was born.  As I've mentioned before, I birth my babies at home, by much thought out and researched choice.  I had taught Vienne about how the birth process happens.  Throughout my pregnancy, I had a wish that Vienne would be awake and present at the birth.  She was old enough and mature enough to be a witness.  I remember that I went into labor with Ivy at 2:30am.  It was a short 5 hour labor (yes, I have it easy when it comes to birthing).  Around 5am, Vienne must've just sensed something going on downstairs and woke.  My mom wasn't there yet to watch over V, so Mark kept her by his side, at the edge of the birthing pool.  My precious big girl, quietly stood by his side, in awe and excitement, and helped brush my hair with her gentle and precious fingers.  She also sweetly fed me ice chips, all while whispering beautiful encouragements to me..."you're doing a good job, mama."  *tears*  Thankfully, I am not a screamer but I did moan...and nothing scared or phased her one bit.  When it came time for Ivy to come out, all I remember hearing in the background was Vienne's excited anticipatory laughter and clapping.  And, when Ivy came out and was placed on my chest, Vienne was immediately behind me reaching her hand out to touch her beautiful, yet slimy, little sister.  The picture we have of Vienne first holding Ivy brings me to tears - the look of complete speachless awe on her face is magnificent.  She wanted to be involved in everything having to do with her sister.  She patiently sat on the bed, with her hands in her lap, and watched with fascination as Ivy was measured and weighed.  She was absolutely enthralled with watching Ivy nurse and trying to help me with that.  Perfection, I tell you.

(patient and calm Vienne awaiting the arrival of her baby sister)

(first hold.  You can glimpse the awe on her face)

(first hair pulling.  Vienne was patient with her sister from the moment she was born.  This hair pulling NEVER ever bothered her.)

(excited Big Sister)

(patiently observing while Ivy gets weighed and measured)

And, it didn't stop there.  I know I have mentioned it before in other posts, but Vienne just selflessly and unconditionally loved Ivy from the moment she arrived.  Crying never ever bothered her.  She always wanted to help.  She would sing songs to soothe Ivy...and it worked.  Ivy loved her big sister. Vienne was never jealous of Ivy and all of the new attention that was given to Ivy...it was more as if she contributed to giving that attention, along with us.  She was happy to share this doting and love with her new sister.  Vienne had this deep soul wisdom, you know?  Never selfish.   

(this smile of Vienne's gets me everytime....stunning)

(matching owl hats that I made for them both)

The way I know that Ivy misses her big Sister is in how she nurses, now.  Ivy used to be the most distractable nurser.  Vienne took precidence over nursing every time.  So much so that I had to establish a rule that Vienne couldn't come in the room while Ivy was nursing.  I would have to go to our room to feed her every time.  If Vienne were to walk in, Mama's milk took backseat.  Ivy would arch her back and twist and turn towards her sister with a big grin.  She loved her voice and her presence.  Ivy no longer does that anymore.  No one else can distract her from nursing. 

I was so so excited that I had these two beautiful and precious little girls who were already so connected.  Everything I ever wanted.  I felt so complete.  I was so happy that Ivy had Vienne to look up to, to be an example for her.  I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Vienne would be a much better big sister than I ever was. 

So, why were my dreams shattered so heartlessly?  Why did my poor Ivy have to lose her best friend?I could go on and on in my cycle of asking why. 

(Yes, I know I can have more children.  Please do not suggest this to me, though. It is not something that I want, at this point.)

Gut Wrenching Rage

{I wasn't sure about whether or not I should post this, but I need an outlet to pour out my rage, my over-obsessive thoughts that torture me all through the day and night.  I have vacillated over writing about the events of that day.  I do not want to ruin the beauty of Vienne's life and the beauty of this blog with the ugliness of her death.  But, there is some sort of a release in sharing my thoughts...knowing that I am not alone.
*Do not continue to read this if you are not in the mood for a hard read or if you are easily offended.  I am not here to please anyone.}

Sleep is the only thing I look forward to these days because it momentarily takes away the nightmare that is my new wretched life....even though it takes me hours to get there.  Every morning, Mark and I wake to the same nightmare - our precious perfect Vienne is dead.  Not just gone...but dead.  The cruelest reality that I can't let sink in and so I have to replay the horrific events of the day in my head until I believe it.  And, then I am left raw and full of painstaking guilt and rage at God.  The "whys?!" are endless.  I know this is normal.  But, there shouldn't be a normal.

Losing a child is the worst thing that I could imagine ever happening to me...to anyone.  I would rather lose my spouse, my parents, a family member...it is worse than torture, being raped...anything.  I would choose all of that over my child's life.  And yet, here I am.  I am one of the few select chosen to carry this sick and twisted burden. 

Just two days before she died, it was my and Mark's 7th anniversary.  I remember at dinner we were asking each other silly date-type trivia questions.  One was "what is your biggest fear".  This was it.  "Losing one of our babies" - that's exactly what I said.  Prophetic?  F%*# that.  It was my worst nightmare, though.  It was a fear that could keep me up at night.  Sometimes it would consume my mind and keep me from sleep, this fear of mine.  It's almost as if my sub-conscious knew what was to come. 

Each day, I go back and forth in my rage - sometimes at God (most times) and sometimes at myself.  There are soooooo many things that played out during the "incident" that God could've used to save her and turn this around.  This is where most of my rage lies.  The fact that, while I was selfishly downstairs making breakfast and quickly finding a rare moment to read my f*%#ing Bible, I felt a tinge of guilt for taking a few moments to myself.  I rarely do that.  God could've used that and pressed on my heart to check on her.  The fact that I confidently know CPR.  The fact that I did not hesitate to swiftly pick her up out of the water and immediately administer it all while juggling the phone and calling 911.  The fact that my phone was in my pocket, so I never left her side.  I was hysterical but I held it together and did not stop until help arrived.  God could've used that to save her.  The fact that paramedics showed up in 5 minutes.  5 minutes.  They were so fast.  God could've used that.  The fact that they were able to get a slight heart beat back.  God could've used that!!!

But He didn't.  He did not give me one warning.  Nothing that allowed for a second chance.  She was snatched away from me without one hesitation.  The healthiest kid...for no discernible reason.  One moment she was happily watching a show, sitting quietly in the shallow tub.  The next moment she is dead.  Just the baffling undetermined cause of her death shows me that this just had to be all planned.  It is the only thing that makes sense to me at this point.  As if it was planned for her life to be short...but I was never given fair warning.  Except for those damn fears. 

She was in less than 6" of water.  I never filled it higher than her nose, if she laid down...which never did without me present.  She just took swim and water safety classes!  She knew how to hold her breath.  But, she never splashed around in the tub, never stood up, never played near the faucet where her head could get bonked and never put her face in w/o goggles.  She was 4 1/2 years old!!  Every mother tells me that they leave their 4 yr. old in the tub for a short bit to play!  What 4 yr. would put their head under water and not sit back up, anyway?!  That's not what happened with her, though.  They say a seizure, but can't prove anything.  Inconclusive results.  They say she didn't have enough water in her lungs for it to even have been a drowning.  It was confirmed that she didn't splash or flail or struggle.  I heard NOTHING and was right below her, in the kitchen.  It was seriously as if God planned all of this...waited for that rare moment when this overly protective mom would turn her back.  As if her heart just stopped and she quietly slipped under the water.  The image is horrific.  And I live with it constantly.  No mother should have to face the horror that I faced on that day.

I hate God.  How could He callously take her from us like that?  WHY??!!!!  He is not the God I thought I knew.  I don't even know what to think of Him.  You say God hates death.  I hear that God loved her...loves me.  I hear people proclaim that God answers prayers...even the small stuff.  But, I feel that He betrayed me.  If He hates death He would've acted on any of those obvious opportunities given for Him to intercede.  But, He said "NO".  And, I hate Him right now for that. I feel like I am bbeing punished.  I do not know how to reconcile this.

There was no sin involved in this death.  It was not a consequence of someone's poor choices.  I have no one else to blame except Him...and myself.  I could've gone upstairs sooner and had a better chance to save her.  I could've stayed up there and cleaned up the rooms and possibly prevented it all (most times I never went downstairs!).  If it really was a seizure, I could've called 911 sooner if I was there.  It could've been stopped....maybe.  But, God did not allow it.  She died alone.  Without me.  I am ruined over this.
How can I trust God after this???  How am I supposed to trust Him with Ivy's life?  How am I supposed to love Him?  And, teach Ivy of His "love"? 

The only thing that makes me want to strive to know how...is so that He will let me come to heaven so that I can be with my beloved Vienne.

Cuddow

About 2 years ago when V was around 2 1/2, there were a few months when she maintained a sweet sweet "habit".  Everyday, after an hour or so of early morning play time with Daddy, I would come downstairs and she would stop her play, pick up her paci (back in the day when she used one), and come to me and say "cuddow?" (cuddle).  I would pull her into my arms, lay back on the couch, and we would literally cuddle for 20 minutes every morning.  It was the most precious time of all.  It lasted for a few months and I will never ever forget it.  What child stops their play and lays still for such a long amount of time?  I wish those cuddle requests lasted longer than a few months...but then she started to grow up, of course. 

I miss cuddows.

Daddy's Brew Buddy

(patient little bottle-capper)

Mark brewed his first batch of beer today, in months.  I know it was very hard on him to not have his brew buddy around.  As funny as it sounds, this was a fun bonding time for the two of them.  Of course, Vienne knew beer was only a grown up drink and she never once had a taste.  But, it was cute and hilarious watching how much she enjoyed helping her Daddy...she got to help stir the brew, pour in the grains, etc.  She loved listening for the "burps" as it fermented.  And she was a professional bottle capper. 

(she loved lining the bottles up in a straight line like this...our little perfectionist)

(silly video)