Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Gut Wrenching Rage

{I wasn't sure about whether or not I should post this, but I need an outlet to pour out my rage, my over-obsessive thoughts that torture me all through the day and night.  I have vacillated over writing about the events of that day.  I do not want to ruin the beauty of Vienne's life and the beauty of this blog with the ugliness of her death.  But, there is some sort of a release in sharing my thoughts...knowing that I am not alone.
*Do not continue to read this if you are not in the mood for a hard read or if you are easily offended.  I am not here to please anyone.}

Sleep is the only thing I look forward to these days because it momentarily takes away the nightmare that is my new wretched life....even though it takes me hours to get there.  Every morning, Mark and I wake to the same nightmare - our precious perfect Vienne is dead.  Not just gone...but dead.  The cruelest reality that I can't let sink in and so I have to replay the horrific events of the day in my head until I believe it.  And, then I am left raw and full of painstaking guilt and rage at God.  The "whys?!" are endless.  I know this is normal.  But, there shouldn't be a normal.

Losing a child is the worst thing that I could imagine ever happening to me...to anyone.  I would rather lose my spouse, my parents, a family member...it is worse than torture, being raped...anything.  I would choose all of that over my child's life.  And yet, here I am.  I am one of the few select chosen to carry this sick and twisted burden. 

Just two days before she died, it was my and Mark's 7th anniversary.  I remember at dinner we were asking each other silly date-type trivia questions.  One was "what is your biggest fear".  This was it.  "Losing one of our babies" - that's exactly what I said.  Prophetic?  F%*# that.  It was my worst nightmare, though.  It was a fear that could keep me up at night.  Sometimes it would consume my mind and keep me from sleep, this fear of mine.  It's almost as if my sub-conscious knew what was to come. 

Each day, I go back and forth in my rage - sometimes at God (most times) and sometimes at myself.  There are soooooo many things that played out during the "incident" that God could've used to save her and turn this around.  This is where most of my rage lies.  The fact that, while I was selfishly downstairs making breakfast and quickly finding a rare moment to read my f*%#ing Bible, I felt a tinge of guilt for taking a few moments to myself.  I rarely do that.  God could've used that and pressed on my heart to check on her.  The fact that I confidently know CPR.  The fact that I did not hesitate to swiftly pick her up out of the water and immediately administer it all while juggling the phone and calling 911.  The fact that my phone was in my pocket, so I never left her side.  I was hysterical but I held it together and did not stop until help arrived.  God could've used that to save her.  The fact that paramedics showed up in 5 minutes.  5 minutes.  They were so fast.  God could've used that.  The fact that they were able to get a slight heart beat back.  God could've used that!!!

But He didn't.  He did not give me one warning.  Nothing that allowed for a second chance.  She was snatched away from me without one hesitation.  The healthiest kid...for no discernible reason.  One moment she was happily watching a show, sitting quietly in the shallow tub.  The next moment she is dead.  Just the baffling undetermined cause of her death shows me that this just had to be all planned.  It is the only thing that makes sense to me at this point.  As if it was planned for her life to be short...but I was never given fair warning.  Except for those damn fears. 

She was in less than 6" of water.  I never filled it higher than her nose, if she laid down...which never did without me present.  She just took swim and water safety classes!  She knew how to hold her breath.  But, she never splashed around in the tub, never stood up, never played near the faucet where her head could get bonked and never put her face in w/o goggles.  She was 4 1/2 years old!!  Every mother tells me that they leave their 4 yr. old in the tub for a short bit to play!  What 4 yr. would put their head under water and not sit back up, anyway?!  That's not what happened with her, though.  They say a seizure, but can't prove anything.  Inconclusive results.  They say she didn't have enough water in her lungs for it to even have been a drowning.  It was confirmed that she didn't splash or flail or struggle.  I heard NOTHING and was right below her, in the kitchen.  It was seriously as if God planned all of this...waited for that rare moment when this overly protective mom would turn her back.  As if her heart just stopped and she quietly slipped under the water.  The image is horrific.  And I live with it constantly.  No mother should have to face the horror that I faced on that day.

I hate God.  How could He callously take her from us like that?  WHY??!!!!  He is not the God I thought I knew.  I don't even know what to think of Him.  You say God hates death.  I hear that God loved her...loves me.  I hear people proclaim that God answers prayers...even the small stuff.  But, I feel that He betrayed me.  If He hates death He would've acted on any of those obvious opportunities given for Him to intercede.  But, He said "NO".  And, I hate Him right now for that. I feel like I am bbeing punished.  I do not know how to reconcile this.

There was no sin involved in this death.  It was not a consequence of someone's poor choices.  I have no one else to blame except Him...and myself.  I could've gone upstairs sooner and had a better chance to save her.  I could've stayed up there and cleaned up the rooms and possibly prevented it all (most times I never went downstairs!).  If it really was a seizure, I could've called 911 sooner if I was there.  It could've been stopped....maybe.  But, God did not allow it.  She died alone.  Without me.  I am ruined over this.
How can I trust God after this???  How am I supposed to trust Him with Ivy's life?  How am I supposed to love Him?  And, teach Ivy of His "love"? 

The only thing that makes me want to strive to know how...is so that He will let me come to heaven so that I can be with my beloved Vienne.

15 comments:

  1. Jenny - I processed your blog the entire time I was running this morning. All I can say is YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this. And I'm so sorry for your grief. For your loss. For your pain. I continue to pray for you and Mark every day - which I know sounds pointless and maybe even cruel to you right now - but it's all I know to do.

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    1. Thank you, Jodi. Thank you for all of your supportive comments. Your prayers are not pointless or cruel to us...they are good because we cannot utter them yet. We are relying on this kind of support around us. So, thank you.

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    2. I am confident that at some point, you and Mark will come through this on the other side. If only we could take away some of the pain - lift the weight from your chest so you can breathe a little. Hang in there. One day at a time. I've loved falling in love with VN and with you through your honest and beautiful writing.

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  2. We are praying and holding you close to our hearts. Daily, I ache for you and Mark. So deeply. Praying that somehow, someday, through some miracle, you will feel a little slice of peace. Love you so much, friends.

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    1. thank you dear friend. I love you so.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching thoughts and deeply painful questions with us. I am holding my breath for you, hoping desperately that some small form of peace or answer will find its way to you.

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  4. I read your blog almost every day, re-reading some of the posts as well. Afterwards, I pray for strength that you two will make it through each day. Aching for you two so much, thank you for sharing this. She will never be forgotten. We are praying for you when you are broken by the pain. You are not alone.

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    1. thank you, Eva. it means so very much to us.

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  6. Jenny, thank you for sharing even your darkest thoughts, for opening yourself up and not closing yourself down. for letting your friends, brothers and sisters know how to pray for you and lift you up. I have to say, i feel your rage, ask WHY, my heart surges with the ache of another mother who has imagined this horror. there is no reconciliation, no logic, nothing that will make this a good or right thing that tore your precious girl out of your life. there is no answer. there is only hope that Yes you will be reunited with her one day.~ Eirin

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    1. your heartfelt words are always so beautifully put, Eirin. Thank you so much.

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  7. your rawness and transparency is why I love you (and why we get along!) love you. pour your heart out my friend...

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  8. My heart is so burdened for you Jenny. I refrained from reading this a while back because I felt more comfortable not knowing the details. I just read this today and it sheds an all new light on your horrible situation. It's not fair that this happened to you! It's not right and it's certainly not something that I could expect ANYONE to move on from...be it years or even decades. I remember when I was just little Vienne's age and crying my eyes out in bed to have my parents finally show up...I often couldn't fall asleep because I knew in my heart that any day, any moment someone in my family could die. Whether it was Mommy, Daddy, or one of my brothers or sisters. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about Carlo (husband) dying and leaving me here alone. My selfish thought is always to die first...I would not be able to bare the grief of a close death and keep living. People tell me that I could, "God can heal those wounds"... And I imagine someday healing could happen. But if the pain of just the thought kept you awake, and keeps me awake even now...I could never pretend to understand the depths of pain you actually feel having had a child taken from you, albeit in such a horrible way. I know your pain is physical, I know it aches. I know this because it aches just to imagine what you and Mark are going through. I understand an anger with God. I don't judge you for it or even quietly shake my head in disappointment over it. I COMPLETELY GET IT. I pray that you find a way, ANY way, to trust Him again. I pray that Ivy is encouraged to be nothing shy of in love with her Jesus, as Vienne was. I pray that not only for her sake (Ivy's) but for your's and Mark's...so that every moment you spend with sweet Ivy, for the remainder of your lives, you see a glimpse of her big sister in her. I love you Jenny!

    Amy Jo

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  9. You are both ever more lovely for sharing your true heart publicly. My love to you and Mark

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