Vienne's 6th Birthday

Well, exactly one week ago from today, we celebrated Vienne's 6th Birthday.  I just realized today that Vienne was actually born on a Thursday too.  This was the first Thursday since her birth that we celebrated her day.  

As I promised last year, I have chosen to be happy on her Birthday each year.  I kept my promise last week.

This year's celebration was just as great of a turn out as last year's and I am thankful for that.  I am very thankful for all the help we received and for all of the participation and support.  

This year, we chose to celebrate Vienne's birthday at another one of her favorite parks - Barrows Park in Beaverton.  Vienne called this park "Dragon Park" for the concrete dragon sculpture that is there, which she used to ride on ~

{Vienne at age 2 1/2 riding the dragon}

This special park was also chosen because we were gifted with a beautiful bench plaque that we scheduled to have installed on the morning of her Birthday.  The plaque was gifted to us by my Mom and Stepdad along with some dear friends of theirs who have fallen in love with Vienne, Ann and Doug Menke.  Doug works for Tualatin Hills Park and Rec who helped make this happen.  The pictures are below.

We continued the tradition of planting wildflower seeds at the park.  I incorporated a new activity for the children, which will continue as tradition in every year following this one.  I filled a basket with tiny dinosaurs for the kids to hide around the park and leave behind for another child to find.  Each dino had a little tag with a note on it for the child when it was found.  You will also see these below.  

The day was another HOT (90 degrees!!??) sunny day, like last year.  A perfect day for the park.  We invited our close friends and family and people who knew Vienne.  

Here are the photos:

{this is a horrible photo, but this is the little bag of seed bombs that were made for our church family.  My friend, Jessica, helped and organized a seed bomb making party.  We rolled seeds into air-dry clay, mixed with fertilizer.  Jessica took them home and put them in these darling little bags.  She enlisted, Andrea - a graphic designer at our church - for help, who designed the darling cards, which were attached.  If you notice on the card, the T-Rex is holding a blue hydrangea!  And, then a dino was also included in the bag…..my church family totally rocks.}

{a dino in the bag, with seed bombs and shredded crinkle paper filling}

{the back side of the card.  This bag and card was only handed out to my church.  I made something of my own for our party.  I just wanted to share what was done for us.  We are so thankful for the continued love and support from our church family.}

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{Tualatin Hills Park & Rec were also amazing in helping us to celebrate Vienne.  We scheduled the installation of the plaque for her Birthday, so THPRD offered to set up the canopy as well as provide chairs for the party!…and then come and pick it all up when the party was over.}

{And, here is the plaque!!  How freaking amazing is this??!!  The "photo" is actually in color.  I have NEVER seen a plaque like this.  We are so touched and amazed by this incredible gift.  There are no words.  If you live in the Portland area, please go and visit the bench.  Leave Vienne a flower!}

{We suggested that if anyone wanted to bring a gift for Vienne, they could bring her a bouquet of flowers, to set on the bench.  Here is a photo of the beginning of that collection of sweet bouquets, along with Ivy and her sweet cousin, Miriam.}

{We moved the canopy over the picnic table and set up a few things that I had planned for the party.  Here, in front, are remembrance cards, printed on handmade seed paper for the guests to take home and either keep or plant in their yards.  In the basket behind, are the seed bombs…just to grab and toss into the wetlands that line the edge of the park.}

{Seed bombs.  They either looked like poop balls…or chocolate truffles.  Actually, most everyone thought that they were truffles!  Good thing there was a sign. ;)}

{in the basket on the left are the tiny dinosaurs with little tags tied to them.  The dinos were for the kids at our party to hide anywhere at the park and leave behind for another child to find.  On the tags, I printed this little saying that Mark helped to create:  "Hi!  My name is Dino and I like warm hugs!  I was left here for you to find in memory of a little Girl named Vienne who loved dinos and adventures and making friends.  Today, on May 1, Vienne would be 6 - give Dino a hug and send her a sweet wish.  xo"}

{Made two types of cupcakes again - Grain/dairy free and Gluten free.  True to tradition, honoring Vienne's last birthday request, the chocolate cupcakes are decorated with green frosting and purple polka dots.  And I added a few candy dinos here and there.  (Thank you to my Sis, Kate, for making one of the batches xoxo)}

{I was pretty proud about how they turned out}

{the melted gluten free version}

{Vienne's Aunt Kinsey, my dear friend and sis in law, made Vienne this gorgeously creative dino and gnome garden.  UUHHHH-Mazing!}

{check out the little door and the hiding dinos…there are little honey bees and flowers…oh the pics don't do it justice.}

{sisters and cousins}

{it was a great turn out of dear friends and family}

{me with Asher and Elijah - two of Vienne's good friends}

{in a social gathering, you can ALWAYS find Mark playing with the kids.  ALWAYS.  He tends to veer from adult socializing.  He says that kids are way more fun and entertaining.  I love my husband.}

{Ivy Girl}

{look how big she is getting!}

{Cousin Elliott down the slide and Jenna watching on}

{Caleb and Ivy.  Caleb is of one Vienne's best friends and there is a true connection between these two already}

{long time friends - Donny and Mark}

{I love how Ivy loves Uncle Seff (Seth)}

{Cutie girls - Ivy and Sophie}

{Isn't she a beauty??}

{Me with Emily - one of Vienne's old dear friends.  I was so so touched that Emily could come.  She gave me some of the sweetest hugs.}

{Our dear friends, the Atienzas.  So glad they were here this year!  Last year, they were in Hawaii and missed the park celebration.  Love you guys.}

{Ivy loves her Auntie Eileen}

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**Now, here are some photos that were submitted to me to share.  Photos of seed plantings for Vienne.**

*The Hernandez Boys*

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*The Daggett Family**

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*The Kerns Family*

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*The Goetze Family*

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*The Villalobos Family - another grieving family with a new angel in Heaven * 

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*The Miller Family*

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*Laura Green*

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*The Browns & The Stricklands*

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*The Partridge House Preschool!*

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*Pam & Ryan!*

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*Maddy Pierson*

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*David Piscitelli*

 {Mark's brother, who couldn't make it down for the day so he visited the duck pond where he had taken Vienne and Elliott, one time, to feed the ducks.  Revisiting an sweet old memory on her Birthday.}

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*Brittani Morton, Brittany Hill, Erin Cowen, & Cassie Boyd*

{A group of Vienne's friends and their mommies gathered at a nearby park and celebrated Vienne's birthday together.  They released balloons and shared cupcakes.  So sweet to my heart.}

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE, AGAIN, FOR TAKING THE TIME TO REMEMBER AND CELEBRATE VIENNE'S LIFE THIS YEAR.  WE ARE SO THANKFUL FOR YOUR CONTINUED LOVE AND SUPPORT.

THIS KIND OF PARTICIPATION MEANS THE ABSOLUTE WORLD TO US.  SERIOUSLY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY SWEET GIRL.

OH, I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS.  STILL.  ALWAYS.  FOREVER.  I WILL ACHE FOR YOU FOREVER…UNTIL I AM WITH YOU AGAIN.  I LOVE YOU 

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.

XOXOXO

Invitation: Vienne's 6th Birthday Remembrance

VIENNE'S NAME MEANS "ALIVE AND FULL OF LIVE".

AND, COINCIDENTALLY, SHE WAS BORN ON 

A DAY THAT CELEBRATES LIFE IN THE NEW

BUDS OF SPRING - MAY DAY.

PLEASE JOIN US THIS YEAT AS WE 

CONTINUE OUR TRADITION OF SCATTERING

WILDFLOWER SEEDS, THIS

THURSDAY MAY 1

WHEREVER YOU ARE AT -

WHETHER IT BE YOUR YARD, OUTSIDE OF YOUR WORK,

OR A FAVORITE PARK.  IF YOU DON'T MIND, 

PLEASE SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH US,

EITHER PRIVATELY OR ON HERE.

WE LOVE TO KNOW HOW PEOPLE TOOK A MOMENT

TO REMEMBER OUR GIRL.  YOUR PARTICIPATION

IS A BIGGER GIFT THAN YOU COULD

EVER KNOW.

THANK YOU!!

**Here is a glimpse at what transpired from last year's

celebration of Vienne's Life:

Vienne's May Day Birthday Celebration of 2013

Here is a reflection of birthdays past:

First

Second

Third

Fourth

deja vu

The other morning, Ivy was sitting on the counter (like V always did) and she started just randomly rocking from side to side and singing "I wear…I wear…." in this sing-song tune….exactly like I've heard it before….somewhere.  It was one of those frozen moments when I just stood and stared.  I couldn't figure out where I had heard it from….or where she had heard it from…but I swear it sounded like Vienne singing through her.  It actually kinda creeped me out for a sec.  Then after a bit I finally realized that she must've heard it from a video of Vienne singing about her birthday.  In the video, I asked V what she was going to wear to her 3rd birthday party and she didn't know so she just stammered and sang "I wear….I wear" (with her eyes looking up off to the side, like she was trying to figure it out)…and then I filled it in with "a party dress".  So, Ivy saw this video like maybe a month ago??  Once.  It is not a big part of the video and V is singing the entire way thru, so this line doesn't really stand out from the rest.  Ivy has NEVER sung this before.  But suddenly, she pulls it from her little memory and starts mimicking her sister to a  T.  Same voice.  Same tune.  Same inflections.  Same position on the counter...

Crazy.  Almost eery


Here is the video of Vienne (it is one I have shared before.)

p t s d

A while back, it was gently suggested to me that I may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  When I first heard this, I thought "well yeah, duh, of course I do.  But what is there to do about it?  Is there a point in labeling it?"  I had previously allowed myself to believe that the symptoms that I suffer from each day are just part of my grief…they come hand in hand.  Even though Mark does not struggle with any symptoms, I just chalked it up to the fact that we all grieve differently.  This friend who suggested this to me (who is a very valid source on grief) responded by telling me that my grief can be separated from those PTSD symptoms - that they do not have to be my way of grieving…that I can still grieve without suffering so much in other ways.

This was a revelation to me.

Maybe it was a no-brainer, but this has been my only way of grieving and it is all that I know.  Now, I have not been "officially" diagnosed with PTSD yet.  My personal doctor has no doubt that I suffer from it, though.  What exactly are the symptoms?  I had to look them up.  I suffer from every one listed, in one way or another.  The symptoms are listed as such:

1. Re-experiencing symptoms: 

• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.

2. Avoidance symptoms: 

• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.

3. Hyperarousal symptoms: 

• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.

If you have regularly read this blog, then you know that I have described most of these things, from time to time, in one way or another.  I just never thought that they were something "to get fixed".  

So, what do I do about this?  I have (with my Mom's help) been researching therapists who specialize in the treatment of PTSD.  We have narrowed it down to one…and I just have to make the call.

But I struggle to do so.  I sit and stare at the phone number with my phone shaking in my hand and then I give up and move onto something else.

Why?  Why am I hesitating so?  I am fearful.  These miserable things that I suffer with are the only way I know how to grieve…and grieving is what keeps me connected to Vienne.  My head knows that I can be taught to grieve in a different way…without suffering such physical and psychological effects…but my heart does not.  My heart is clinging to the misery.  It is all I know.  

{Home Video}: "You're a horse not a dog"

This is one of my most favorite videos that I am sharing today.  I replay it often.  Well, I replay all of them quite regularly.  But, this one especially touches my Mama heart in certain ways, for specific reasons.  In this simple and fun video of us, as a family at home on a typical night, I am reminded of the kind of sister that Vienne was to Ivy.  When I had the two of them both safely in my arms, in my life, it was all normal to me…it was all that I knew.  Now that I see how young siblings often are with each other am I reminded of Vienne's extraordinary selfless-loving heart.  We all know that it is typically difficult for a firstborn child to acclimate to the addition of a second child, a new sibling.  It is normal and nothing is wrong with the reactions that occur.  They are used to being the only child, with Mom and Dad's attention solely on them for all this time.  Now this little Baby comes into the picture and steals all of that attention and care.  And, this Baby makes noise and messes and pulls hair, grabs shirts and toys, and slobbers on everything.  Who wouldn't be annoyed, right??

Vienne.

Vienne was NEVER once annoyed with her little sister.  She was up early in the wee hours with me as I labored and brought her sister in the world.  She was of the very select few to clap and laugh with joy when Ivy was brought up out of the water of the birthing tub.  She sat by my side during my first nursing feeds with Ivy.  She was the 3rd person to hold Ivy after Ivy was born.  And, she never left our side in our care for her little Sister.  I even remember that first time that Vienne got to hold Ivy…she was sitting in the rocking chair, in her blue jammies, and holding her brand new baby sister fresh from the womb, full of wonderment and awe.  The pictures we have are priceless.  And, among those precious photos is Ivy's first grab of Vienne's hair.  What is Vienne doing?  What was her reaction?  She smiled and leaned her head forward toward her sister, with the pull…she drew towards her baby sister, rather than yanking away.  Always.

And, that is also what you see in this video.  Mark is holding 4-5 month old Ivy who is riding on Vienne's back.  Vienne is playing "horsey" - one of her recent favorite imagination "roles" to play.  And, all through the "ride" Ivy is unintentionally yet instinctively grabbing Vienne's hair.  I have witnessed little siblings grabbing at older sibling's hair….and almost EVERY time there is an anger/annoyance reaction from the older sibling.  But, you see here how Vienne just went with it.  If you listen carefully, you will hear her pause and say "ow" very quietly….but that's it.  No whining, no anger, no "tattling".  By the end of the ride, you will see Mark pulling a handful of hair from Ivy's tight grasp.  Wow.

It's a simple video.  But I see so much of Vienne's character in it and it makes me well with tears just dwelling on it.  This is how she was ALWAYS.  When Ivy cried, Vienne never got annoyed that it was louder than her movie…or that it was annoying or whatever…she would run to Ivy's side and sing her a song (usually the ABCs).  She NEVER displayed behavioral challenges immediately following Ivy's birth.  She never balked when I had to leave her alone to put Ivy down for a nap or to nurse her.  Of course, I even look back on those first few months as a new mother to two (which is soo challenging to acclimate to!) and I often wonder if I could've done a better job of giving Vienne more attention.  I'm sure all new mothers to two children wonder this.  But I think back especially to how patient and seemingly  understanding Vienne was and I regret.  She deserved more from me….she was so sweet and compliant…but all I ever demanded was that she be even more quiet.  Foolish.

I have said it before.  Vienne is perfection in my eyes.  I want to be like her.

I am so so so far from it.

Here is Ivy's Big Sister playing horsey with her…..

(Oh and don't you love my commentary?!!  geesh, I am so snippy and bossy sometimes…."You're a horse, not a dog".  What???  Yeah, sometimes I hate listening to myself on these videos.  Oh well, just laugh at me!  But, Vienne is still so obedient…she stops bucking her head back when I remind her to watch her head…even if I am a ruiner of the fun!

But, on another note…..I am also reminded of how this was the first time we heard Ivy belly laugh like this!  She was SO IN LOVE with her Big Sister.  Her belly laughs in this video are THE BEST.  )

I miss the complete Family that I was once blessed with.  This dream-come-true that filled 8 short months of my life….8 months of two beautiful little girls, completing our family.