A great start to a Birthday Week for Daddy - Ivy started to walk!
At 14 months of age, both of my girls decided to start walking. For Vienne, that was in July of 2009. For Ivy, it was today, March 11, 2013 - one day before she turns 14 months. Of course, Ivy has been "practicing" for a few weeks, but today she finally let go of the couch, on her own, and just walked out to the middle of the room without me urging her on. It is pretty fun.
Both of my girls are sooo tiny - 18 lbs - yes, both of them at this age. Vienne had WAY more hair - her body chose to focus on hair growth, first, while Ivy's has chosen to focus on teeth-growth. She has 8!
Here are some videos of the girls' first steps.
(Vienne's first steps)
(Vienne's first steps)
(Ivy's first steps)
(Ivy walks for Grammy and Grandpa, while they are visiting. That is my infamous Mom's voice, in the background, that sounds like mine.)
Her Sister would be SOOOO proud.
(Mark's Birthday is on Friday and I have a special post planned for him. I was betting that Ivy would walk for him by his birthday and she has! It is very special to this incredible Father who loves his baby girls soooo very much. xoxoxo)
Lately, I have been distracted by mulling over the details of what I was doing that morning, while Vienne was upstairs dying. What led me there? Where was my "mommy intuition"? What was I doing and thinking about?
Was it just a coincidence that I just happened to decide to go downstairs to make breakfast and eat it all alone, this one morning of all mornings, when I never would normally do that?...or that I just happened to choose to text my mom and Eileen to pray for Vienne, that morning, because she had a slight fever?...or that I just happened to choose to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee while reading Psalm 43? I am feeling that it was not.
What I've been battling with, lately in my head, is that in those precise moments, without consciously being aware of it, I chose to betray my Daughter for God. If you are a Believer and a Bible-reading person, then you understand and know that God expects us to put Him above all else...even our spouses and our children. And, when I look back on that horrific morning, I realize that without even knowing it, I obeyed...I put God first. And, my actions of putting Him first allowed Him to take her Home...away from me. Crazy twisted...yet accurate thought, isn't it?
If God were to stand before you, right now, and ask you to choose - Him or your babies - could you? (no one needs to answer that).
But, even though I obeyed and put my time with Him first, I still feel that I betrayed Vienne. It is our nature and instinct to guard and protect our children. I know that God doesn't call that betrayal...but that's how I feel, right now.
I haven't shared this with many people, yet, but I used to have a recurring nightmare a few years ago. Almost three years, to be exact. It was right after we moved from the Coast to live in the Portland area. Over the past 6 months, I have obsessed over trying to figure out if I was ever given any "warning signs" or "heads up" that I wouldn't get to keep Vienne forever. I realize, now, that these nightmares were probably just that.
In this recurring nightmare/dream, God wanted me to give Vienne over to Him...and I absolutely adamantly all-out rebelliously refused. I gathered her up into my arms and ran to every corner of the earth, desperately trying to find cover and hiding from Him...and all the while frantically shouting "NO!! She's MINE!!!!"
I would wake in a panic.
Powerful, isn't it? I had this dream many times...and I will tell you, now, I never have recurring dreams/nightmares. Obviously, during this time, I was struggling with some severe anxieties over losing her. I was so bent on protecting her and checking on her constantly.
And, I do know how much can be read into that dream. Yes yes yes blah blah blah...I realize that God was requesting that I submit her care into His hands, because, ultimately she is His and really not mine. That He was wanting me to trust Him with her. But, I couldn't. I remember waking from that dream, over and over, and just shaking my head...I just couldn't. Perhaps, my subconscious knew what was to come? Is this punishment for not submitting? I know God doesn't punish anymore. But, I certainly have felt punished in this.
So, rounding back to what I shared above about choosing God first...does it seem coincidental that He allowed an opportunity for me to subconsciously choose Him first so that He could take her into His care, on that morning? For, I NEVER read my Bible alone, in the mornings. Vienne was always either by my side, at the counter...or on the couch watching a morning show and finishing breakfast. Always. Was it coincidence? Or was it orchestrated?
So, now, the next thing that I am starting to get curious about is what God was trying to tell me in Psalm 43....if anything at all. Is there something orchestrated and significant about the specific passage I was reading at the very exact same time that Vienne's spirit left this world? I read it with my new friend that I talk with (whom I will call *J*) this week, and she strongly believes that it is very prophetic for me...a life verse for me. I guess this is my new mission...to come to fully understand this piece of scripture.
Here it is {I added in some of my own initial interpretations...how it might pertain to me}:
Psalm 43
1
Vindicate me, my God,
{Clear me from blame...from the blame I hold over my head from Vienne's death}
and plead my cause
against an unfaithful nation.
Rescue me from those who are
deceitful and wicked.
{Rescue me from those who are not really my friends...who have abandoned me through this}
2
You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
{Why did you reject my pleas for a miracle that morning? Why did you say "No"??}
Why must I go about mourning,
{Why am I chosen to live this life of mourning?}
oppressed by the enemy?
{oppressed by Satan}
3
Send me your light and your faithful care,
let them lead me;
{please, pursue me...I can't do this on my own}
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
{may Your light and Your care bring me into your presence}
4
Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.
5
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
(a self photo of Vienne's feet...maybe she will lead me to where I am supposed to go... and what I am supposed to do with all of this...)
This video was in 2010, when she was probably about 22 months old. We were in our old house at the beach, just hanging out in the morning as usual. I just loved our little conversations when she started to talk.
"Awthsome" came out of the blue this one morning and gave me the giggles. So cute.
(oh my gracious, watch her sweet mouth...she is so yummy. And I love LOVE the half-hearted obligatory laugh she gives after I laugh, at one point. She learned that from Mark - we call it the "Realtor Laugh" in our home...an inside family joke. hehehe)
Today, March 6th, marks 6 months for us. We have lived 6 long grueling months without our precious Vienne. Can you imagine? No, of course...most of you cannot. And, you shouldn't. I have lived most of these nightmarish months in a fog...trying to believe that it just wasn't true. Every now and then I try to tell myself that this life was just not meant for our Vienne. But, my head and my heart are in serious cahoots. I know the truth...but my heart just does not want to believe. I know the facts that I will learn to live through this life with a purpose...that maybe, even one day, I will come to grasp the meaning for all of this. But, my heart still has an inclination to rebel against such logic.
6 months.
6 months without hearing my name, "Mommy".
6 months without a play friend, teacher, and helper for our Ivy.
6 months without the pitter patter of little feet running around my house.
6 months without long story times and children's movies.
6 months without play dates and parks and adventures.
6 months without combing long silken hair and tying running shoes.
6 months without building forts with our couch cushions.
6 months of living with one child instead of two.
6 months of learning to survive and cope.
6 months of quiet. And, sadness. And longing. ...And, regret...And guilt. And, the stress and anxiety of burying it down, so that I can function as a mom and housewife.
I am told all the time about "how strong I am" (and that doesn't bother me...it is encouraging to me, really.)...but I don't want to be strong. I feel like God intentionally made me a strong person because this was the plan for my life. And, I wish I wasn't made strong so that this burden could've passed by me. I don't want to be the one chosen to carry this cross. My annoyingly logical head even tells me, sometimes, that one day I might even look at this as an honor...an honor to carry the cross for my Daughter that was lost. That the harsher He refines us, the more beautiful the outcome. But all those pretty stories are just "stories" to me right now...pretty platitudes. And, my heart fights that.
It is hard to comprehend that we have more children in Heaven than we do on this earth. It is humbling and frightening, as well. I guess the idealistic perspective would be to say that Vienne is, now, playing with her other sibling in Heaven. We lost a pregnancy just 9 months before Vienne was conceived - the first of our great losses. Please, Lord, let us be done.
Until they realize what chores really are, most little ones typically enjoy helping their mama out, don't they? It is not a surprise that Vienne was no exception. Not only did she love to help out, but she just liked things neat and tidy and clean...for the most part.
(this was her perch, from a very young age. She would play, she would eat, and she would assist me. I never thought it odd that my baby sat on the counter...until I had Ivy. I would never even consider putting Ivy on the counter...at least not yet. It's funny how instinctively you just *know* your children. Vienne never crawled, so once you sat her in one spot, she stayed put. Simple as that. And, of course, I was ALWAYS right next to her, like in this picture. Ivy is my little investigator...mobile. She won't be my counter helper...she'll most likely stand on a stool next to me and help.)
(I love this video glimpsing into my earlier years with Vienne, in our home at the beach. She's probably a bit over a year old, I think. Here she is in her closet, organizing the clothes. Oh. My. Word. She had too too many clothes!)
(another sweet video of my Girl picking up clips and putting them into the jar. She loved these little "clean up" activities. She displayed her organizational skills and tidiness at a very early age. And, please excuse my anal retentive nagging to pick up every last piece! So funny to look back on yourself in videos.
Another thing I realized when just watching this video is how I really didn't worry about the possibility of Vienne putting these tiny pieces into her mouth. She NEVER put things in her mouth! She was that strange perfect baby, like that. Now, I don't think I would even consider putting these tiny clips into Ivy's hair for fear that she would pull one out and put it in her mouth. And, I play "clean up" with Ivy but never with tiny things like this.)
(those little rice puffs spilled all over the floor and she ran to get the broom...)
(I very clearly remember this one - we were out in the garage and she found a cleaning rag, picked it up, and started to buff the car! I had to run and get the camera!)
(another favorite clean up game - I would spill the straws and she just loved to put them all back into the box. And, of course, don't we all just LOVE her face, here?!)
(her perch, at the back of the sink, once she was walking. Of course, I never left the side of the sink...but she would sit here and make "soup" in a bowl in the sink, while I cooked. I LOVED having her right by me, watching me, and learning as I made meals)
(ok, so this is a pretty long and repetitive video...but all videos are treasures to me. This one is funny in showing her neurotic cleanliness)
(Daddy's helper...putting caps on the beer bottles)
(baking cookies, together, this past summer)
(and, when we were done baking, she asked if she could clean the dishes! Ummmm...Yes, of course! How darling is she?!)
I don't have any other photos of her cleaning at an older age...but in the last year, she very much loved to dust and clean the bathroom sinks. I would set the stool in front of the sink, give her a sponge and douse the sink with our homemade cleaning solution so it was safe on her skin. She LOVED to clean and polish those sinks til they sparkled. This past summer we had finally set up a loose chore chart for her. I remember, at one point, she was trying to save up money to buy a new My Little Pony - Rainbow Dash. She and I spent time on eBay trying to find the exact one she desired.
I miss all of these little things...these normal things we do with little children. Teaching them, training them, giving them goals, and rewarding them.
I am so anxious for these times to come with Ivy. And, she is certainly proving to be my next little helper...
(this is Ivy, helping to put laundry into the dryer. I put a little pile of wet socks on the floor for her, and she usually puts them in, one by one, ever so meticulously. Just like her sister.)
If you haven't read about Sagna in an earlier post, read more about her here.
I stumbled upon a few more cute videos of Vienne and her silly time with Sagna (pronounced Zanya). She was about 2 1/2.
(when the video starts, she is saying "it's ok...I'm here". She consoling her baby Sagna. We have no idea why she took the baby to the pantry closet...such a silly girl. She had us cracking up ALL the time!)
I miss days filled with "throwing out a party" for her dinos, T-Rex and Alice...skipping down the sidewalk, riding Polly the stick pony...having tea parties...building lincoln log barns for the dinosaurs and dragons...making a fort with the couch cushions...playing "hide 'n seek" with Shadow and Partner (a tiny horse and riding doll)...riding her Radio Flyer trike down the sidewalk...playing dress up......
(pat-a-cake)
(caught playing dress up in Mommy's shirt)
(hammer the balls)
(I remember she found these arm floaties in the garage. We had never put them on her before, but she had somehow figured out that they were supposed to go on her arms...and she trekked around the house sporting these for the afternoon. Such a fun goof)
(THAT LOOK!! bahaha...going cross-eyed trying to get them on correctly)
(playing with Baby and changing her diaper)
(taking Baby to "nigh night")
(tucking Baby in)
(so concentrated cooking for her Baby)
(a stroller Daddy made for her out of tinker toys)
(oh man, this helmet cracks me up. Someone gave it to us and she wore it before we got her a normal one.)
(always so meticulous and careful)
(she spent so much time to meticulously decorate her chair with bits of play dough)
(here is one of my most treasured photos of her. How beautiful is this...nursing her baby doll)
(oh melt my heart...her face...such peace and beauty)
(couch cushion forts!)
(she called this her "viovin" = violin)
(silly girl, I am quite sure she dressed herself, here...her favorite sweatshirt, no pants, and blue socks with white tenny shoes.)
(Oh wait, look, there's the pants...taking her baby, who is wrapped in a scarf, for a ride)
(playing in her tent)
(making a trail with the towels from the laundry basket)
(hop! careful, don't slip!)
(making beds for all of her animals)
(a fave, we've all seen before - smashing ants with her sword)
(just playing with her train set)
(counting for hide 'n seek, in dress up scarves)
(we own the most amazing extensive set of lincoln logs...and each night, they would build new structures for Vienne's animals)
(making "skates" out of of duplos...so creative)
(I hung these balloons for "fencing" practice...check out her socks)
(nice form, eh?)
(playing footsie on the couch)
(she made this tent while I was in the kitchen, last year)
(peek a boo! Look who I found underneath. I remember this being so sweet...making this tent over her sister and crawling in with her. The beginnings of playing with her little sister. Breaks my heart that Ivy doesn't have this anymore.)
(making dinosaur footprints)
(me and my best bud playing around while Ivy napped. I remember she told me to take a picture of her pretending to bite my nose...we were laughing so hard)
(I think I won cool mom points when I made this exotic oasis for her dinos. I saw a similar idea on a pinterest board and thought it was a clever way to reuse an old box) She painted the interior of it, while I cut out the trees and water and finished it for her while she was in bed)
(it's fuzzy, but I love this picture. We had just purchased this walker for Ivy this last summer, and Vienne thought it was the most awesome scooter! Check out the look on V's face. That was her "stink eye" that always cracked us up.)
(playing with my girl in the mornings...here we were playing "Duck Duck Goose" with her friends. I definitely did most of the running. I remember when I would "Goose" Vienne, she would get up and run out of the room! I would laugh and call her back, trying to teach her how to play the game.)
Now, I CANNOT wait to for Ivy to get older so that we can play with her. Then, I CANNOT wait to get through this life and get to Heaven and play with my Girl.
