Wednesday, March 6, 2013

6 Months

Today, March 6th, marks 6 months for us.  We have lived 6 long grueling months without our precious Vienne.  Can you imagine?  No, of course...most of you cannot.  And, you shouldn't.  I have lived most of these nightmarish months in a fog...trying to believe that it just wasn't true.  Every now and then I try to tell myself that this life was just not meant for our Vienne.  But, my head and my heart are in serious cahoots.  I know the truth...but my heart just does not want to believe.  I know the facts that I will learn to live through this life with a purpose...that maybe, even one day, I will come to grasp the meaning for all of this.  But, my heart still has an inclination to rebel against such logic.

6 months.

6 months without hearing my name, "Mommy".
6 months without a play friend, teacher, and helper for our Ivy.
6 months without the pitter patter of little feet running around my house.
6 months without long story times and children's movies.
6 months without play dates and parks and adventures.
6 months without combing long silken hair and tying running shoes.
6 months without building forts with our couch cushions.
6 months of living with one child instead of two.
6 months of learning to survive and cope.

6 months of quiet.  And, sadness.  And longing.  ...And, regret...And guilt.  And, the stress and anxiety of burying it down, so that I can function as a mom and housewife.

I am told all the time about "how strong I am" (and that doesn't bother me...it is encouraging to me, really.)...but I don't want to be strong.  I feel like God intentionally made me a strong person because this was the plan for my life.  And, I wish I wasn't made strong so that this burden could've passed by me.  I don't want to be the one chosen to carry this cross.  My annoyingly logical head even tells me, sometimes, that one day I might even look at this as an honor...an honor to carry the cross for my Daughter that was lost.  That the harsher He refines us, the more beautiful the outcome.  But all those pretty stories are just "stories" to me right now...pretty platitudes.  And, my heart fights that.

It is hard to comprehend that we have more children in Heaven than we do on this earth.  It is humbling and frightening, as well.  I guess the idealistic perspective would be to say that Vienne is, now, playing with her other sibling in Heaven.  We lost a pregnancy just 9 months before Vienne was conceived - the first of our great losses.  Please, Lord, let us be done.




14 comments:

  1. Love you friend. I'm so so sorry for these 6 months and for the great loss of your precious girl you have had to bear. I know it is nearly unbearable. XO

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  2. Thinking about you and Mark today. I am one of those people telling you that you are strong, because I see you fighting...fighting for the sake of your little Ivy and your dear husband. You are selflessly facing each day; "getting up, dressing up, and showing up." I have thought often of your first little baby in heaven with Vienne. I remember praying for you then and I will continue to stand by you and pray for you now. We miss Vienne so much, Asher has drank out of his new Vienne mug everyday since he got it. Just this morning he sipped milk out of it and talked about his friend who is with Jesus now. I love you. I love Mark. I love Ivy. May you find some gentle solace today amidst the deep deep sadness.

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    1. Oh, Erin, this was so sweet to read. Thank, you Friend. I love you so.

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  3. Oh Jenny. Love you dear friend.
    Lauren

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  4. Been thinking and praying for you so much today. And always. There is nothing to say except that we love you. So much. So deeply. And we pray that someday, somehow, there will be some way to find an inkling of joy. Love you.

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    1. Love you, Friend. Thank you. Always.

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  5. I love you, my daughter, my friend. I love Mark and thank God for the remarkable husband he is to you and the awesome daddy he is. I love Ivy to pieces and thank God always for her joyful, silly, sweet delicate self. I love and miss my Vienne so much. She is in my heart and mind throughout each day. Today is a strange and ominous feeling day - the gray, dark skies full of rain and damp cold. Sickness running through our family today. It all seems to line up with the sorrow in our hearts. Day by day. One step at a time. Once in awhile I notice a ray of sun shining thru the thick darkness of sorrow. More and more, little by little the clouds will part. Joy will come in the morning, they say - and I believe our Vienne will be the predominant color in that fabric of joy in our hearts. She would have it so. I love you so.

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  6. Kinsey PiscitelliMarch 6, 2013 at 9:53 PM

    6 heart wrenching months. We miss her so.
    I love you so much. XOXO

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  7. Thinking of you and your family. Your blog and tributes to Vienne are beautiful. -jaimee

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