Today, March 6th, marks 6 months for us. We have lived 6 long grueling months without our precious Vienne. Can you imagine? No, of course...most of you cannot. And, you shouldn't. I have lived most of these nightmarish months in a fog...trying to believe that it just wasn't true. Every now and then I try to tell myself that this life was just not meant for our Vienne. But, my head and my heart are in serious cahoots. I know the truth...but my heart just does not want to believe. I know the facts that I will learn to live through this life with a purpose...that maybe, even one day, I will come to grasp the meaning for all of this. But, my heart still has an inclination to rebel against such logic.
6 months without hearing my name, "Mommy".
6 months without a play friend, teacher, and helper for our Ivy.
6 months without the pitter patter of little feet running around my house.
6 months without long story times and children's movies.
6 months without play dates and parks and adventures.
6 months without combing long silken hair and tying running shoes.
6 months without building forts with our couch cushions.
6 months of living with one child instead of two.
6 months of learning to survive and cope.
6 months of quiet. And, sadness. And longing. ...And, regret...And guilt. And, the stress and anxiety of burying it down, so that I can function as a mom and housewife.
I am told all the time about "how strong I am" (and that doesn't bother me...it is encouraging to me, really.)...but I don't want to be strong. I feel like God intentionally made me a strong person because this was the plan for my life. And, I wish I wasn't made strong so that this burden could've passed by me. I don't want to be the one chosen to carry this cross. My annoyingly logical head even tells me, sometimes, that one day I might even look at this as an honor...an honor to carry the cross for my Daughter that was lost. That the harsher He refines us, the more beautiful the outcome. But all those pretty stories are just "stories" to me right now...pretty platitudes. And, my heart fights that.
It is hard to comprehend that we have more children in Heaven than we do on this earth. It is humbling and frightening, as well. I guess the idealistic perspective would be to say that Vienne is, now, playing with her other sibling in Heaven. We lost a pregnancy just 9 months before Vienne was conceived - the first of our great losses. Please, Lord, let us be done.