What I am thankful for

Thankfulness is obviously hard for me.  I often struggle with "the glass is half-empty" mentality since Vienne passed.  But, I realize that I do still have much to be thankful for.  Mostly, I am thankful for this stunning green-eyed beauty of mine - my Ivy-girl.  She is the only light that shines in our lives…and she surely shines it brightly.  I know that her Sister's pure and precious spirit lives on in Ivy.  It is undeniable when you are in her presence.  I cling to that knowledge.

And, secondly, I am most thankful for this handsome supportive, loving, sensitive yet strong Man of mine.  I could not get through this life without him.

And, I am thankful for family.  These are my in-laws, but I am also thankful for my own family who mostly continues to be a constant support system of love.

And, finally I am thankful for amazing friends - Old friends who stand by me through thick and thin, and love me no matter what.  And, new friends who have come up out of the woodwork and blessed me with their compassion and selfless support.

Here are some of the rest of the photos taken by Kinsey, this Thanksgiving 2013...

our little Joy-Bug was running all over the grass like a ping-pong ball.  It was difficult to get her to be still for a family shot.  

Vienne, my Love, you were missed desperately on this holiday.

xoxoxox

Apathy

This is what I am currently feeling.

Apathetic and despondent.

I know I don't owe anyone any explanations or anything, but it is still in my character to care.  And, so I wanted to come on here and just explain why my blog posts are fewer and further between and why my email and/or comment responses take almost a month to accomplish.  I am struggling with apathy.

I look at my inbox each day and just watch it fill up but I just can't seem to find it in me put effort into much more than my and Ivy's survival right now.  But, don't get me wrong - I LOVE LOVE the comments and emails and texts that send love and prayers and encouragement.  I need them.  I thrive off of them.  I cherish them.  And, I am so thankful to those who take the bold move to reach out to me.    And I know that no one writes me with an expectation that I have to write back - but it is in my "normal" nature to do so.  So, this apathy wars inside of me with my natural inclination to show that I care.  I want to be able to express my gratitude and I want to encourage people to keep the loving correspondences coming…but I guess I am writing this just to let you know that I might not be as immediate as I once was.  I read each and every single email and comment, but it might take me a month to respond.  But, I promise that I will.  Eventually.  And, like I said, I know that no one expects anything from me.  This is not coming from a place of feeling pressured by anyone…but myself.  I want to be able to give back, but it is just very hard for me right now.  Please don't give up on me. Even though I don't write on here too often right now, I know it is just a phase.  Please continue to come back and check in …. eventually I will get back on the blog track.  Even sitting down to write this one took me a lot of focus and discipline.

Thank you all for being here and loving me and supporting me.  I am just in a really dark place these days.

xoxox

{Home Video}: Vienne's Wii bump, age 4

This is just a random video that I know hasn't been shared yet.  Nothing too extraordinary, just her gosh-darn cuteness...and even a little whining snuck in there at the end.  I even miss the whining voice.  She was somewhat of a perfectionist with herself (unlike no one I know....ahem...) and when she couldn't get it just right, she would sometimes give up like this.  Some people have a hard time believing that she whined or even needed discipline…but she did.  She was still a child.  As "flawless" as I claim her to be (and as you witness her to be)…she was still a child.  There was discipline, for sure.  I can just count the times on my fingers… ;)

I miss her deeply.  The unfairness of it all keeps haunting me.  I just want my old life back so so badly.  It is such a horror to wake up each day to realize that I am still forced to live my nightmare.  I feel like a prisoner.  This is my sentence.  I will always find ways to discover joy in this prison…I will strive hard to "make the best" of my horrid fate…but I will always want out.  I will always want to escape.  I will always pine for the life I once had.

So here I am playing and replaying home videos of my girl…striving to bring her light into my prison.  It is a sad and happy thing to watch them.   Here is this silly video of my precious Vienne playing on the Wii.

http://www.youtube.com/v/FB42ck2HmRQ?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=WSPqdaYOFmXXjvlA-kcWLQ&autohide=1

A belated Happy Birthday to Auntie Kinsey

Birthday posts have fallen off schedule, but I am trying to slowly get back up to speed.

I missed Kinsey's birthday, on here, which was on October 2.  Kinsey was quite busy on her birthday this year, as she was in labor with her second child - a baby boy!  Charlie John (or better known as "Chaaaaawlie" by his big sister!) was born just 4 minutes after Kinsey's birthday, at 12:04 am on October 3!  What's fun and crazy is that their firstborn, Elliott Grace, shares her birthday with her Daddy!  Kinsey tried SO hard to deliver Charlie on her birthday.  ;)

If you don't already know, Kinsey is married to Mark's brother, David.  I have mentioned Kinsey several times on here, as she is our very talented and generous family photographer.  

Not only is Kinsey my beloved sister-in-law...but I am also so blessed to call her a dear dear Friend.   Despite her own shattered heart she has suffered in Vienne's loss, Kinsey has remained as one of my steadfast and committed, compassionate and loving supporters through all of this.  Her dedication to us has been one of the things that has helped to keep me encouraged and know that I am not alone.  I have memories from that weekend when Vienne passed and Kinsey was the one who continually made sure that I was eating and getting rest.  She spent every possible waking moment of that weekend putting together that most incredible video that was played at Vienne's memorial...and not only did Kinsey miraculously accomplish that, she also managed to select and print off enlarged photos, a sign-in photo book, and programs for the service.  All in 2 days.  She is one of the most thoughtful and giving people that I know.  Hands down.

And not only is she thoughtful and giving, compassionate and loving - she is also a most incredible mother.  She is one of those moms that you envy - who actually takes ideas off of pinterest and recreates them!  She cooks and bakes.  She has a beautifully and creatively decorated home.  And, she enjoys teaching and playing with her children.  I have treasured watching her embrace motherhood over these past 2 1/2 years.  She does it so beautifully and gracefully...though, she humbly disagrees when I tell her.  ;) 

Up until the last few months, near the end of her pregnancy with Charlie, she and David committed to driving down to Portland from Seattle once a month to just be with us...and love on us.  Their commitment and steadfastness was one of the largest gifts to us.  They are ones that would drop everything and be here in a heartbeat if they were needed...just as they were the day that Vienne was so unfairly taken from us.  She is a friend who checks on my regularly - never judging, always understanding and loving.  What a true treasure this sister is to me.

I love you sweet Kinsey.  Happy Belated Birthday to you!

Here are the only few photos I could find of Vienne and Kinsey together...then a few sentimental ones. The rest of the photos are a few of my favorites of her work - ones she has taken of our family.  She is so talented.

Kinsey and 15 mo. old Vienne on Cannon Beach.

Kinsey and 2 1/2 yr. old Vienne at Christmas.

so cute.

Kinsey and the two little cousins - Ivy and Elliott.

Friends.  Lacey, me and Kinsey shedding tears together.

*The rest are just a few of my very favorites.  There are so many favorites, but I tried to pick the ones that always stuck out to me, from those sessions.*

15 mo. old.  

*gasp* such beautiful eyes

a hilarious little series that she captured.  We always loved this...how Vienne is totally clueless, sitting in front of us.

I always loved the stories this one could tell.

Vienne at age 2.

Vienne at age 2 1/2.

rolling in the hay - age 2 1/2

Vienne age 3 1/2.

kissing baby Ivy in my tummy

Vienne, just shy of 4 years old.

Vienne, just shy of 4 yrs old.

4 years old - the Classic.

one of my VERY favorites of Ivy Lynnae at age 5 mo.

she captured the serene and gentle beauty of my girls

my favorite photo of me with my girls.

me and my Ivy, age 1

I love you, my Sister, my Friend.  Thank you for the most generous gift of these photos, capturing the beauty of both of my girls, forever.