I feel melancholy.
I think I am realizing that my grief is more easily triggered when Ivy is having a tough time. This week she is breaking in two new teeth and sleep has not been great. Normally, I am spoiled by this child's amazing sleep habits...so when she gets off track and is "off" in her moods, my sadness seems to be triggered more intensely. I don't know what that means. But, I do know that I do not handle stress gracefully, at all, these days. (But, please know that I NEVER ever let her see my frustrations or sadness. I am VERY conscientious and intentional about protecting her from that. I am so good at stuffing it all down deep inside.)
In spite of all of this, I have also been unexpectedly faced with the feelings of resignation regarding Vienne's death. My ridiculously annoying logic keeps pestering at my door, reminding me that no matter what I feel or do in regards to my grief, it is all for naught. There is nothing that can be done to change things. This is our "fate" (for lack of better words). This is the new cross we have to carry for the rest of our lives. I am starting to realize that I need to just accept this. That doesn't mean to say that I am not sad...or that I won't continue to be sad. It just means that my spirit feels quieter...the raging has subsided because it is pointless. I feel like a tantruming child who finally realizes that there is no other option...they must resign to their's parent's will, even if they don't like it. I do not like it one bit. My arms are crossed, my chin is at my chest, my lip is pouted, my eyebrows furrowed, my heals dug in deep...but I know that I have no other choice but to start working on my relationship with God.
(like this picture that you just saw in my last post...yeah, that's how I feel)
I need to surrender. I need to dig up all of these buried deep hurts and emotions that I keep in check in order to "carry on" and "lay them at His feet".
But, what the hell does that look like?
That's what I'm trying to figure out.
In my tentative "return" to my walk with God I find myself wanting to be more literal...less ignorant and naive...but more aware and asking questions. I am tired of the "Christianese" language. If you are a believer, then you know what I am talking about. Please, tell me you know what I am talking about. So, "laying my emotions at His feet"?? I understand it. Of course I do. I've been a Christian practically my entire life. But, really, what does that look like? Can we talk about that without using Christianese terms? I don't know how to dig up my harbored emotions from all of this and just "let them go".
I just really do not know how to do that.
And, now that I think about it, that's not exactly what I want to do, anyway. I don't want to let it all go and have no feelings. What I really want and need is to just be able to be more in touch with them...more comfortable with them. Put more plainly - I wish I could cry more easily for my Vienne. I have never been a "crier" and it is something that has always frustrated me about myself. You would think that losing my precious Daughter would have broken that hard shell. But, no. It seems it has made it even more impenetrable. I know I keep it tucked away inside just so that I can be a good mom for Ivy and so that I can survive my days and carry on. But, I sure wish that I could learn how to find a balance between letting my emotions come to the surface and "carrying on" in a healthy way. That's what I wish. I guess that is a prayer request...if you were looking for one. ;)
I met with a wonderful woman last week, whose heart has just been drawn to me during this tragedy. She knows my mother and shared her interest in availing herself to me, should I be interested. She spends much of her time ministering to women and she was curious if I would ever be interested in just having a listening ear to talk to. I took her up on her most loving and generous offer. We met and our hearts immediately connected. And, the dam in me broke. To my astonishment, I spent most of my time in her presence, crying. I NEVER do that. I have never been able to do that with anyone since Vienne passed away. And, it was so cleansing. It felt so good. I cried over everything...I cried over nothing. I would try to say the simplest thing and couldn't get the words out without a trembling lip. That's how I wish I could be more often. Needless to say, we are definitely going to meet again. And, because of this new relationship, I think I have decided to halt my search for a professional counselor, for now. Nothing was working and I realized after this meeting that there is not a counselor that will be able to offer me this kind of compassion and connection.
So, for now, I am surviving. Quietly and sadly.
Each day, I find myself just counting down the hours until the day is done...then counting down the days until the week is done. I just want to get through. Just survive. One more day down...one more week down...and my Ivy is closer to growing up to be a child that will be running around my house...and one more week down....one more month down...one more year down...until I am closer to being done here and going Heaven to be with my Vienne.