Sunday, June 23, 2013

Messy

I fear that I have done this all wrong.  I know there is no "wrong" or "right" way to do this grief thing...but I am wondering if I made a mistake earlier on that is affecting me now.

I was so full of overwhelming shock and trauma when it all happened that I couldn't possibly make a fully wise decision.  But I clearly remember, that day, bawling that I couldn't go back home...I just couldn't.  And, so there....done.  My family made it happen.  They found us a new home and I never had to return.  I have been so quick to just run from those things that hurt.  Run from the place where she died.  Run from the memories of her bedroom...her bathroom...her living space.  Run from the neighborhood we fell in love with.  Run from the scent of her sheets...her clothes...her things.  Run from the places that we frequented.  Run run run.

I thought I was protecting myself.  The pain was great enough as it is...so I couldn't fathom the pain of living in the same house...or being surrounded by everything her.  The thought of it felt crippling and horrific.  But now?  Now...I almost wish I hadn't.  Now I wish I had a room to lock myself into and bury myself in her things and just safely weep and weep and weep.  Sure, we keep her present in our home.  I have shared in a previous post how much we have done to do so.  But, it's not the same.  Instead I've created this tightly contained "safe" bubble in an effort to protect myself from what I've imagined to be even deeper more stinging pain.  I used to want the pain.  But I find that I do not anymore.  I am so tired of it.  But now that I have it so constantly bottled up, I find that I have created this clean and tidy little world that I cannot unleash my inner mess.  I have made myself so outwardly numb to everything that I can barely find a trigger to my grief anymore.  Well...that's not true...I know my triggers and I avoid them like the plague.  I am afraid of them.

I want the pain.  I don't want the pain.  I want to unleash.  I don't want to unleash.  I am confused and I feel messy.  I don't like messy.

21 comments:

  1. Grief is definitely messy. Life is messy. I don't like messy either - that's one reason I look forward to Life hereafter. It won't be messy - we will "see" clearly...as Vienne is even now.
    I don't know that you could have done anything differently 10 months ago. You certainly did not do it wrong - as you said, there probably is not a right or wrong. Regrets as you look back, perhaps - but protecting yourself in the moment was certainly not unwise, my love. This grief is such a long and painful journey. I pray for moments of clarity and fresh vision - I'm not sure "tidy" will ever be a part of this. I love you to the moon, my dot.

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  2. How difficult to live in the tension of those conflicting feelings! I hope that you can allow yourself compassion for making the best decisions you could have, and also space to not know what the best thing is at every turn (because nobody could!). I also pray that you can allow yourself all the time that you need to slowly unspool the pent-up grief, despite the numbness that you feel.

    May your weary heart be comforted.

    I think of Vienne and your family often--you are often in my heart and in my prayers.

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  3. praying for you Jenny and appreciated the honesty in this post. Life is messy. It just is. Praying you can find peace for each day and clarity for moving forward into each new day. Big hugs!

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  4. I don't know what to say or how to say it. Just know there are people constantly praying for you.

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  5. oh Jenny...Im so sorry you feel like this. You didn't do anything wrong. How would you ever prepare yourself for losing Vienne or the unimaginable trauma? I wanted to run from it too and probably would have if I had the opportunity, but we had no other choice.
    I still have 3 drawers that Poppy and Ollie share. and a closet full of clothes. Maybe you could make a spot in your new home with her clothes and special things that you can physically hug and touch. I also have a treasure chest with some of Ollies favorite toys and clothes. You can still make a room or area like this. It might help. I feel like when I put it away Ollie will be gone forever.
    Grief sucks. Loss sucks. But I love what your sweet momma said about heaven, we will see clearly, like Vienne and Ollie . One day we will rest form our mess and the sun will forever shine!
    Sending love, strength and perseverance from one broken heart to another
    (((HUGE HUGS)))

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  6. You are very blessed to have such a wise "mama"!!
    She has exactly expressed the thoughts of my heart for you!! Love you so much!!! Lynn

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  7. Thank you for continuing to share about Vienne and your grief.....I read every post. I am sorry that things are messy and painful.

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    1. Thank you, Kristel. Just knowing that you are reading and supporting means the world to me.

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  8. Sending hugs and prayers.

    -Grace

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  9. I feel like that often, the numb not being able to grieve in the "safe" world I've created. It makes me feel guilty sometimes, but I know that this is what God and Madeline want for me. They want us to be happy, even though it seems impossible sometimes. Don't look back on your decisions with regret. At the time it was the best choice, God would not have
    allowed it to happen if it weren't right. I hope my words help, I hope they don't hurt. Bless you and your sweet family. -jaimee

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    1. Jaimee ~ your words are always comforting...especially because I know you are going through the same thing. Thank you for taking the time, always, to share you heart. It always means so much.

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  10. Jenny, I feel deep in my heart that I would have acted the same way. I don't feel that I ever could have returned to my childs home my child's room, my childs things. I would have run so far, so scared to look back. Honestly you can't look back now. You can only look forward and try with everything you have left to keep those memories, those items, those treasures... safe in your heart. I have told you so many times before how brave I think you are, how incredibly strong you are despite how you might feel inside. Time will make a fool of us, but it won't erase our bond.

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    1. Mrs. E ~ Thank you for such encouragement and reminders that we did the right thing to protect ourselves. Thank you for such kind and loving words.

      I have been trying to figure out whether I know you or not. ;)

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  11. Haylee Ergenekan, mommy to Finn and Leo. Long time friend of Lisa Ford's....you and I met when were 13 or 14 and randomly saw each other at our Mother's work "Sunset Chiropractic". It has been a million years since I have see you....

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  12. Oh! Haylee! I was just confused by the "Mrs. E" part! Yes yes, of course I know who you are! I remember everything that you have written to me and have held it dear to my heart...and all that you did for V's bday. You spoke so familiarly with me that I knew I must know who you are...U just couldn't remember that this was your Sign-in name. :) Forgive me for the brain lapse...it happens way too often these days.

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  13. Jenny, no worries....I can't even imagine what you must have on your mind. Please, I'd tell you my name a thousand time if I had to.

    Thinking of you often, always reading and keeping up with your blog. My eyes are never dry when I finish. Thank you for sharing your recent vacation with us.

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    1. You are too sweet, Haylee.

      Thank you for all of your support.

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