Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Raw nerves and stress

In addition to grieving Vienne, our lives have been slammed with ridiculous amounts of stress lately.  Some would say that I am probably under some serious spiritual attack.  And, that's probably true.  When I don't post regularly on here, it is because I am most likely really struggling.  Sometimes I find myself with something to say, but then I hesitate to post it because I feel insecure about always being such a downer on here.  But...then, I realize that this is my blog and it has become my grieving journal (as well as my way to share Vienne) and I should stop worrying about pleasing others.  And, then I remind myself, even further, that it has only been 4 months!  Of course, I am a downer!  I have every right to be.  I just don't want my friends to eventually pull away from me because I am always so sad.  My hope is that you have the faith, that I currently lack, that I will, one day, not be so so sad.

So, as for the stress and/or attack on my spirit and emotions...I delayed in sharing about it, but am now realizing that some of you would like to know how to pray for me...for us.  For some twisted reason, it seems that Ivy's well-being has really been the focus of attack.  It started on Christmas Eve.

Ivy has sustained a small little eczema patch on the back of her knee for quite a few months, since this past summer.  Adjusting diet, detergents, soaps, and creams has not seemed to help yet.  Since it was so itchy, we believe that she agitated it so much that it started to get infected and grow.  That's what first appeared on Christmas Eve.  We stayed in touch with her doctors for the week, but nothing seemed to help.  By New Year's Day, it had gotten out of control and we had to take her to Urgent Care.  That doctor diagnosed it as a ringworm infection (just a fungus not a worm) that also developed staph on top of it, which was spreading to the front of her leg and other leg!  He prescribed an antibiotic and an anti fungal.  These were her first prescriptions in her life...and if you know me, I am ridiculously hesitant about prescription medication.  But, of course, when it comes to staph, I do not hesitate.  Well, within a few days, her rash actually got worse.  We had to take her back to Urgen Care (because it was a Saturday) and they determined that she had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic!  And, then this doctor couldn't really determine what she had, so he referred us to a dermatologist the following Monday.  So, I called that dermatologist early Monday morning (actually, I called 3) and they would not take a new patient that same day.  So ridiculous.  I eventually found a dermatologist that would see her that day, though I hesitated because he has a poor reputation.  But, all I wanted was a diagnosis.  So, I took her in.  And, this guy was a jerk.  He wouldn't listen to me, he refused to look at the photos I had of the progressing rash, he spoke to me like I was an idiot mother, he told me she just had eczema and told me to put vaseline on it.  I walked out of there crying.
Anyway, to wrap up the story, I finally got her into a natural dermatologist that has determined she has eczema that was infected probably by a fungus and a bacteria.  We are working on finding out the causes of these outbreaks.  So, that is slowly getting in order....after 3 weeks of battling with it.  I was beyond exhausted, emotionally.  Weary was the word I kept using.
To add to all of that, on New Year's Eve, while David and Kinsey were visiting, Kinsey and I went to the grocery store.  I think, because I was all out of sorts with stress and distracted and what not, I somehow neglected to buckle Ivy into the the shopping cart.  I have one of those shopping cart covers and I always always buckle...of course.  But, I guess every mom gets to experience a dose of feeling like a horrible mom, because of something they neglected....right?  Yeah, on this day, Ivy decided to try to climb out of the cart...since I had forgotten to buckle her in.  I didn't even know she could do this.  I had my head turned, picking out pears.  A man saw her and miraculously ran and literally caught her, mid-fall, as she was tumbling out head first!  The glares I received in that moment were horrible.  I packed everything up and ran out of the store crying.  You can assume all of the thoughts that ran through my head on that horrible afternoon.  I was so shaken up.
Then, last week,  Ivy and I went to visit my girlfriend.  I was walking down her stairs, holding Ivy, and fell.  Both of my feet went out from under me and I fell straight on my right hip and wrist and bumped down the rest of the stairs.  Thank God Ivy was ok...just very frightened.  But, I sustained a massive bruise and swelling on my butt cheek.  Lovely.  I am still limping.
And, now?  Now, Ivy has her first flu this week - the nasty one that is going around, I think.  It's been pretty hard.  This is a new experience for me because Vienne rarely got sick.  She actually didn't get her first real illness until her second birthday.  Dealing with a very sick baby is really hard.  And, this is Ivy's first fever.  The last time a child of mine had a fever, she died.  You can imagine the feelings going through me every time I press my cheek to her forehead.  It's awful.

And, through all of this anxiety and stress, I have realized that it may have broken my numbing shell...the one I have maintained all this time.  I am really feeling things, now.  I mean, really feeling it.  It's as if the anesthesia of the shock has finally worn off...and the true ache over Vienne has set in.  Yes, it hurt before.  But, as I have written before, for the first few months I was aware of how numb I was feeling.  I was plowing through my days, numb and in denial...grappling for any distraction I could find.  I wondered where my emotion was.  I had no idea how incredibly strong the effects of shock can be on your body and emotions.  No idea.  Until now.  Now I'm feeling.  And, it really really hurts.

I look back on that first day...."the worst day of my life" day, and I feel almost ashamed of how I was.  I was in soooo much shock that I just sat around, receiving hugs and tears from people, crying with them, though remaining quiet and almost calm.  Yes, I screamed in hysterics during it all that morning when I found her and when Mark came home...but after that, well, I was just in shock and numb.

But, now?  Now I want to scream in hysterics almost all day long.  There is not a moment that goes by that I am not thinking about her...that I am not aching for her...and that I am not raging in my head over the unfairness of it all.  I am so angry.  So constantly raging in my head about it all.  What I can't seem to get over, lately, is realizing the cursed and dreaded path ahead of us that we have to walk for the rest of our lives.  That it feels like there is no hope.  This is our burden and there is absolutely no possiblity of changing it.  No matter what we do in this life, there will never ever be anything that will fill the Vienne-sized hole.  I can't get over this.  I keep dwelling on it over and over.  Do you know how daunting and depressing it is to be able to look at the rest of your life and know that it will always be filled with sadness and emptiness?

I was reading an article about grieving parents and was struck by so many statements and quotes that were written.  I read them and my jaw dropped...it was literally as if someone already wrote my thoughts and feelings down about all of this.  It is strange to learn that other grieving parents feel the same exact way about certain things.  These following quotes are exactly what goes through my head over and over again... (the underlining is my doing...my emphasis)

"When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future." - Anonymous

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!" - Neugeboren 1976, 154

"Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of [a] parent's being...When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is [their] link to the child, [their] grief keeps [them] connected to the child." - ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51

"It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation."" (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40)

"The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude." - WASHINGTON IRVING, THE SKETCH BOOK , IN MOFFAT 1992, 270

"Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died."  ~(all taken from an article titled:  "The Death of a Child - The Grief of the Parents:  A lifetime Journey" from www.athealth.com)

So many people just want to see me happy again.  When I post a picture of myself on here or on facebook, I often receive comments like "It is so great to see you smiling again!".  I have to be honest here...I hate that.  It makes me feel rushed.  What I hear in my twisted backwards irrational thinking is "Maybe she's over it finally.  Maybe she's ready to move on".  When I hear that people just want to see me happy, I hear that they don't want to sit with me during this hard time when I am not happy.  I hear that they can't wait when I am "past this thing".  Because, yeah, it's true, unhappy people are just plain no fun!  But, those kinds of statements shut me up and close me up tighter.  I become more afraid to show my grief because I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable because that smile in that picture of me was just for the camera...not for my life.  I have learned that it is very difficult for most to understand that even though my grief hurts like hell, I don't want it to go.  It's hard for people to understand that there is no "getting past this".  In all other tragedies in life, we look forward to getting past it...there is always another side.  For example, like in divorce, a car accident, a serious illness, a pet dying, loss of a job, loss of a home...etc. ~ there is always hope after those things.  Eventually, people can move on.  But, Vienne will always be gone and that piece of my heart will always be missing...and that will always hurt.  I am frightened of the feelings fading...for it makes me fear that feelings for her will fade.  Because my feelings of grief are centered solely around my precious cherished feelings for her, I desperately cannot lose that!

And, I know - I know all the fluffy Christian things that all of you want to say back to me.  Believe me, I know it all.  I have walked with Christ for most of my life.  I know all the right things to say...all the scriptures to be used...I've heard them said before and I'm sure I've said it all before.  And, now I don't care about any of it.  None of that brings comfort.  You want to say to me that there is hope...There is hope in Christ.  There is hope because she is in Heaven and I can see her one day.  Yes.  That is true.  I know that.  And, so I want to go there now.  I don't want to stay.  I. do. not. want. to. do. this!

You're wondering how the counseling appointment went the other week.  Thank you for your prayers, by the way.  Unfortunately, it was not a match for us.  Sometimes, you don't realize all your required criteria until you are in the moment.  She was just a bit too young for us (like our age or younger) and does not have kids.  I really want to talk to someone who is a parent.  So, we've found a new one that we will be trying this evening.  She is older, she is a widow, and she has children.  Hoping for a match because we can't keep traipsing around going through the misery of telling and retelling our story.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me.  This is why I have been a bit quiet and just doing Birthday posts.

I am unquestionably weary from everything that has continued to slam into me and I am desperate for a change.  Even though I am angry and cynical, I am desperate...so I did open my Bible for the first time ever this morning.  Maybe that's what you should be praying for, for me.

Thank you, my Beloved Friends.  xoxo



30 comments:

  1. Oh Jenny, My Dear Friend. Please know that you will never, ever have to be "happy" around me. I will never grow weary of your grieving...I will grieve your (our) loss forever with you. A mother and her baby are one spirit, one flesh. If one leaves this earth, the other will always carry the other with them. You will ALWAYS carry Vienne; in your tears, your words, your grief, your laughter and even your smile. I will be praying for Ivy and her health. I will also be praying that you will claim this truth: that you are an amazing, caring, attentive, kind, dedicated and beautiful Mother that I have always admired. I love you Friend.

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    1. Erin, this means so much to me. Thank you, my Dear Friend. You have no idea how much these words mean....

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  2. I want to hug you every single day. I cherish this blog and hold you in my heart.

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    1. I'm not sure who this is...but I will gladly take your hugs. This online support is so huge to me.

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  3. My heart hurts so bad for you. So so so bad. I didnt know Vienne at all...but I miss her so much too. I love your transparency. I love knowing exactly how you are doing...and appreciate your honesty so much. My heart just hurts so bad.

    I will pray for Ivy. Even this seems crazy and so unfair that Ivy is having all these weird things! I am a receptionist at a doctors office..and this was a great wake up call for me to get people in the same day! I am glad we usually are able to...but now I dont think I will let it be any other way! I miss Vienne for you. Thinking and praying for you guys!!

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    1. OH my goodness, this meant so much to me to read. Thank you. Thank you for encouraging me in my transparency and loving me in my ugliness. You are so sweet and thoughtful and kind.

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  4. You are an amazing mother, Jenny, you really are. I don't have children, but I have looked up to you through this blog and hope to someday be half the mom you are. You really are amazing. Your love for your girls runs so deep that there is no separation between them and the core of your being. How could anyone expect you to be okay after part of your core is taken away?

    I will pray for God to ease your stress. I will pray for Ivy's health to improve. I will pray that your new grief counselor is a wise comfort for you and Mark. I will pray for whatever you need me to; thank you for telling us what we can do to support you. Everyone who reads this blog wants to know how you feel, no matter how sad, because we want to offer you whatever love and support we can. Please keep sharing; we will keep listening for as long as you need us to.

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    1. Wow. I am so humbled by such kind and encouraging words. Thank you. I am speechless. I'm not sure who this is, but I wish I could give you a hug. You have encouraged me with your words of love.
      The support I am receiving here, online, is almost more than what I receive in person. Thank you.

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  5. My sweet dear daughter. As difficult as it is, I am proud of you for your transparency...for releasing your feelings through your pen (so to speak)...for allowing those who care so deeply, to share, support and encourage. I echo all of these encouragements and sentiments. What a blessing, each one.
    How I miss my Vienne, how I long for her. How thankful I am for sweet Ivy who is a doll, a joyful and content baby girl...even in her illnesses she smiles and laughs and takes everything so well. Vienne was such an amazing and selfless big sister. She poured into Ivy every bit of her beautiful self for 8 months. And this, along with God's perfection & your amazing parenting, is why we have such sweetness in our Ivy.
    You and Mark are an inspiration - your parenting together is stellar and such to be modeled by others. I know you don't often recognize it through the pain, but God is blessing you, holding you, weeping with you, and loving you deeply in this...through His people. That's what He does.
    In a book I have just finished reading, "To Heaven and Back" (which I'm not too sure what I think of it entirely) she made a few statements that certainly ring true. Here is one that I highlighted and will quote, paraphrased to our circumstance:
    "I do not believe that a loss of the magnitude we've experienced in losing Vienne is something a person "gets beyond," "works through," or any of those other well-meaning, but impossible-to-achieve platitudes. Grieving a loss like this is a matter of learning to incorporate the pain into a new life and a new reality (the fact that we even have to do that is so painful and maddening)...There is no way out, only forward."
    Praying non-stop, loving you completely.
    ~ Your Mama

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    1. I love you, always, Mama. You are my friend and I don't know what I would do without you.

      xoxoxoox

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  6. Jenny my heart goes out to you...no matter how much time passes. It has ONLY been 4 months, if people want to distance themselves then they probably aren't true friends. I think is is better to know who is in it for the long haul. You amaze me with the honesty you share. We as people aren't perfect (that's what has set us apart from Vienne) we make mistakes as parents. I am sure anyone that was looking at you in the store wasn't judging you at all, we have all done it. I think because how you have been feeling it took a toll on you. I think you are the most amazing mother and to read how much you loved your baby just tugs at my heart. I hope you know how loved you are and how much this blog means to so many. Beautiful Jenny!

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    1. Your encouraging words are HUGE to me. Seriously. Thank you. I am glad that my honesty is still so openly received and appreciated.
      And your words of encouragement about my mothering truly strengthen me - they strengthen me to keep being what I am for Ivy. She is so amazing, I have not choice but to be in awe and total love with her. I wish you all could meet her. She is just as amazing as her sister, and Vienne's light shines in her.
      Thank you.

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  7. Hi Jenny,
    Just know that no one who knows and loves you expects you to be over anything in 4 months - I don't expect you to be over this life-shattering of a loss in 4 years from now. This has changed you permanently and I hate so much that this happened and that you can't go back to your 'old' life but that life has been shattered so of course your smiles now aren't totally authentic. In fact, I kept going back and staring at the recent picture of you with that big smile and wondering how you gathered the courage to put it on. There are a great many of us out here looking for updates from you constantly - not expecting cheery fake ones - for anyone who knows and loves you knows that you like to 'keep it real' and we truly appreciate your honestly and openness. I hope the new counselor is someone you can relate to better - I would have been rolling my eyes at a young girl with no kids trying to give me sympathy. I really hope some of the stress lifts and your path gets easier to walk down. XO

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    1. I love you, Lisa. Always. I wish we were nearer. I know I can always curl up on a couch with you and be REAL. Thank you for knowing me and loving me.

      I smile for Ivy. How can I not? She is radiant joy and I know she is my gift, you know?

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  8. Jenny, you have every right to feel what you need to feel to help you. I am praying for you. You can always tell me exactly how you feel. I won't think it's awkward or unrealistic, like I know how some people feel when I talk about these things. I have anger, too.

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    1. Jenny ~ Thank you for your sweet empathetic words and prayers.

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  9. I'm so sorry. I don't know you, but I happened upon your blog. I just wanted to say that all your feelings are valid. The truth is you should feel awful - you just lost your daughter. There is no attitude or philosophy that can make that OK. Your grief is what's real - all the work trying to make yourself see the silver lining or explain away a devastating loss is the part that makes you feel crazy. You can make a decision to survive and live a good life - you will never forget her or stop wishing she were with you - but it's allright to say this is horrible, I feel horrible and wish it were different. That's normal. Maybe God wanted her or maybe it was just a terrible accident, but deal with your reality and not the hypothetical - if you were given a choice she'd be with you. It's going to hurt for a long time and you will be so much better off if you give yourself a break. I tried to suppress my grief and it has ruined my life. Everything you feel is OK.

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. It really means so much..truly. Each comment just makes me feel a bit less alone and less bad about being so depressed. I feel encouraged and strengthened by the support I receive on here..its gives me the umph to get up the next day and be what I need to be for sweet Ivy.

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  10. Jenny, I have written to you in the past and read your blog often. My heart breaks for you and the terrible loss you have suffered and continue to suffer. All of your feelings are true and valid. Nothing will ever be the same in your life, when your precious Vienne was with you. My Aunt lost her daughter in an accident at four years of age. She attempted to medicate her greif with drugs and alcohol which ruined her life completely. I always felt so bad for her and never could find the right words to comfort her. I still feel so sorry for her and what her life wasn't. She went to the lord early and we (her family) were almost glad because her suffering here was so great. I hope I don't come across as a bad person (feeling relief when she was gone) and I hope my care for you comforts you in some small way. I find your courage to live each day as a true testament to your strengh. You are a wonderful Mother and it is seen in the happiness of your two beautiful babies. I am a friend though we have never met. I do care for you and wish I caould take some of your pain away. Bless you, A friend....tears

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    1. Oh, Friend (whom I have not met), your words are so sweet to me. I apologize if I was not able to write you back in the past. I know that my responses on here are not sent back to you guys who comment which bums me out cuz I would respond more if they were.
      That is so sad to hear about your aunt...yet, encourages me that I must not be doing so bad. And, you do not come across as a bad person. I'm sure she was relieved to go too...as I would be if I could.
      If you are comfortable next time and read this, please leave your name and I will remember.

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  11. Jenny, I believe I have met you only once or twice, years ago but I think of you almost every day. I, too, am so proud of you for writing this and being so open, so transparent. You are definitely an amazing Mama and I feel so priviledged to get a glimpse into Vienne's life and your life. You share your real, raw emotions and I am so glad that you do. You have so many people thinking of you daily and praying for you daily as well. Know that your words on here touch so many and we all love you guys. Also, you absolutely do not come across as a 'downer'. You are a beautiful daughter of Christ who is sharing her loss of a precious daughter with all of us. You are blessing us by sharing your sweet memories, pictures, and videos of sweet Vienne, and Ivy as well (who is such a doll and I can tell has such a sweet spirit). You are an inspiring woman and mother. I pray for you so very often. As if I wasn't already teary eyed reading this post, I then read the last 2 lines and tears fell hard. You read your Bible and that just spoke to me so strongly. So on that, I will be praying for you even more. Love a sister in Christ, Brendel

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    1. Brendel ~ Thank you for such sweet and encouraging words. It means so much to me.
      I can't tell you how much it means to me to have so many "standing" by my side through all of this...that I am not judged or criticized but just loved. That's all that I can ask for and need.

      Thank you.

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  12. Thank you Jenny for sharing your heart here. Take your time. I'm praying for you.

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  13. Jenny, wow thanks for sharing. I can't begin to imagine your anguish, I haven't seen you since high school and never met your sweet girl but my heart aches for you. I appreciate the window into your process, I have a couple friends who have lost their young daughters. One thing I came away from heaing the story was that there isn't a black and white set of rules or timeline for the grieving. I'm glad to see that you aren't guilting yourself about how it should look. And most of us really have now idea, so we pray and grieve with you sweet sister. I am so so sorry for your loss. What I have read and seen Jenny, you are an amazing mom the genuine delight you take in being a mom and your faithfulness to show your girls their value your creativity. Beautiful really, you are such a gift. Again, I haven't seen you in some time but if you ever need anything like someone to just sit with you and if you'd like to talk with other moms who know, my friends would be glad to take the time.
    Much love,
    Michelle (Dzurenko) Domeika

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    1. Michelle ~ This meant so much to me. Thank you.

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  14. Dear Jenny,
    Often you are on my mind and heart. I found a card you made me for my 18th birthday in 1999, you were there for me when I was going through such a hard desperate time, when I decided to place Maddie for adoption. I know that in no way does that hurt come close to what you have experienced in losing Vienne, but you were there for me so I want you to know that I am here for you. I am so encouraged by your courage to put yourself on such a public display and reveal emotions that most people have not experienced. I can not imagine what heartache you must feel everyday but because of it I tell my daughters more everyday how much I love them. When I was at my lowest time you were there and I just want you to know that I remember and cherish all the moments we had and although I never met Vienne she touched my heart in so many ways through your pictures. Thank you for keeping us updated as hard as that may be. I hope you know that I am thinking of you often!! I love you!!

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    1. Laura ~ This was so sweet and special for me to receive. Thank you. Thank you for "standing" by my side through this and just getting to know my Girl and praying for us. It means more than you can know. Truly.

      Love you too.

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  15. Jenny it's rare to find people this transparent in life at all let alone when going thru life's most horrific experience ... I am so challenged by your "rawness" how you are seeking out and speaking all of your feelings ... It takes true courage ... And while I'm sure you don't feel courageous it's what I see ... Courage to sift thru each and every emotion no matter the outcome - courage to parent again and talk about the "mom fail" (that every mom feels and experiences TONS- me personally all the time;) ) courage to admit your thoughts and feelings about God knowing what some may respond with ... Courage to look for a counselor at all let alone twice ....
    This isn't meant as a pep talk at all as much as it is simply how I see you when I read your words
    You are an amazing woman incredible mom who loves fiercely ... Never apologize for that .... I'm praying for your journey of grief - it's yours no one else can come close to understanding ... So I'm praying for things I can't possibly imagine yet as you said when you are desperate sometimes that's all you have .... My heart aches desperately for you ....
    Really wish I could say that in person but so thankful to be able to say that here ... We love you guys
    Becki and Dev

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    1. Thank you Becki ~ this was so heartfelt and meant a lot.

      We certainly do wish you were nearer.

      Love you too. xoxo

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