Sunday, October 14, 2012

An answer


As I have pined and ached for my Vienne these past 5+ weeks, I have been grappling desperately for an answer.  An answer to all of my incessant "WHYs?!!"  Blaming myself is easy to fall prey to.  Whenever I hear any new piece of information regarding her death, I find myself obsessing over how it was probably my fault and how I could've/should've done something differently.  My inner dark side almost yearns to find a way to blame myself.  But, that is so destructive.  My head knows that.  It is a downward spiral that could lead me to some very dark places.

As I've strongly mentioned before, I then turn to blaming God...for nothing else in this world makes sense.  This was not an accident, this was not a consequence, this was not negligence.  Every detail of her death just seems so unearthly orchestrated.  It is becoming more and more clear to many of us that this most likely would've happened whether she was in the water or not.  Being in the tub was a coincidence.  It makes me sick to think that a child can die just so damn easily...but that seems to be the case here.  And, yes, it is maddening.  On so many levels.  Raging against God is my quickest answer when my grief is intense. 

But, this conflicts so much with everything I've ever known about God.  One perspective has been presented to me:  that, perhaps, "God really is not as in control as we think.  That He severely limited His sovereignty at the moment of creation".  Hm.  This just does not sit well with me and it is something I will have to read more on, I suppose.  But, in relation to my situation here, I am realizing that I do not like that perspective so much.  I realize that if I cannot put the responsibility of this into God's hands....well, I don't like any other alternative.  When presented with this thought that He possibly is not in as much control as we thought, I find myself filling with more fear.  Even though I am angry, oh so angry at Him, in the same moment I think I want it to be Him who planned this...and no other source.  Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I do know that God has ultimate good plans...beyond what we see in our limited views. 

So, I have my own new perspective that I am growing more comfortable with.  An answer that I am slowly starting to cling to that may help me get through this (not out of it...I will never be out of my grief for the loss of my daughter).  I woke the other morning with a strange thought...that she had been raptured early.  It nagged on my brain and heart all day.  Maybe, just maybe, she was so good and pure and predominantly without flaw that God wanted to spare her from the hells of this harsh world.  Maybe she didn't need to learn any "life lessons" like we all have to learn.  She had all the essentials already.  She had that deep wisdom and understanding of the simplicity of Christ's love and truth.  And, she acted those things out in her short life.  This does not mean that I'm not still angry about her being wrenched from my loving arms, but every time I think of this perspective I do feel less guilty and more like it was out of my hands and my control...and maybe...possibly...for a good purpose.  ??

Many many people have made comments to me about how it seems that the good spirits do tend to generally die early.  A pat answer.  A simple platitude.  But, it is something that I have been thinking heavily about and obsessing over "why?".  So, of course, while playing on the computer, I went looking on the internet for theories (desperately grappling for answers...I know).  I immediately came upon a hypothetical story that sent shivers down my spine and had me sobbing.  It was written in answer to the question:  "Why do some of the best die young?".  The source happens to be a Jewish website.  We believe in the same God...so after you read this, you will understand why the source is inconsequential.  Here is the story (I did not change one word):

"A great debate once raged in heaven. It was over a most beautiful and precious new soul that God had created. The angels debated what should be done with this soul. One group of angels demanded that this soul remain in heaven. "She is too pure, too holy to face the ugliness of the lowly world," they said. "Who knows what will happen to her in a world of temptation and evil. This soul must stay with us here."
But the other group of angels said the exact opposite: "Indeed this soul glows with a unique divine glow. But for that very reason she must go down to earth. For imagine the beauty and goodness this soul can bring to a dark world. What good is there in keeping such a soul in heaven? Let her descend to earth and shine her light there."
And so they argued back and forth, each side unshakable in their view. Until it became clear that they could not resolve the issue themselves, they needed a Higher Authority. The case was brought before God Almighty. The angels stated their arguments before the heavenly court. God listened to the two opinions -the first group of angels arguing that this unspoiled soul is too holy to be plunged into the lowly world, the second countering that the world needs such souls more than anything.
And this was God's response:
"Indeed, it is sad to send such an immaculate soul into such a dark world. But this is My will. I only created darkness so souls like this one can transform darkness into light. The whole purpose of creation was that the lowly world be refined by the good deeds of mortal human beings. This cannot be achieved by souls in heaven. It can only be achieved through souls in bodies. And so even this most perfect and pure soul must descend to earth."
The first group of angels, who requested for the soul to remain in heaven, were disappointed. They couldn't fathom how such a spiritual being could be expected to survive such a physical world. God turned to them and said, "As for your request to keep this soul up here, I will grant it partially. Though she must leave us and go down to earth, it will not be long before she will return to us. Her sojourn on earth will be brief. Such a brilliant soul will not need long to fulfil her mission. Soon she will be free to come back to heaven."
Every day that she is on earth is a blessing.  God then turned to the second group and asked, "Are you satisfied with that? Do you accept that this soul can only be on earth for a limited time?"
The angels replied, "Yes we do. Every day that she is on earth is a blessing.""

Was this not just written precisely about my little Girl??!!!  The more I read it, the more I feel that I have been directed to the answers that I have been so frantically searching for.  I am increasingly convinced that this story was written about Vienne.  And, this I could live with.  Yes, the pain of her gone is still soooo fresh and unbearable.  Of course, I feel like I cannot live without her.  But, the truth of it is....is that I am.  It's been 5+ weeks and I am living.  Against my will, I am carrying on.  This perspective...this story, I believe though, is something that could progressively bring me peace.  This perspective, as much as it pains me to be so mature to admit, makes me feel honored to have been chosen to be her mommy.  I hate that she was taken from me.  I Hate hate hate it.  But, when I dwell on that hate, I fall more apart. 

So.  This is my answer.  I believe that this was divinely given to me.  I didn't even pray for it, for I have not prayed in 5 weeks.  But, I was directed to this despite my rebellion against God.  And, I do not want to be told anything else.

This is what I will believe.  And this, I will strive to hold onto when I fall into my regular downward spirals of grief.
(my pure and holy angel Baby)

A beautiful and appropriate song by one of my favorite artists:

12 comments:

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  2. My darling daughter. This brought me to utter tears, as you know. How I cherish your heart, your mind, your searching. The depth with which you are processing through your grief is awe-inspiring. I admire you for not clinging to any platitudes, any well meaning words from others meant to perhaps, alleviate your feelings, to make you somehow feel "ok". You are so incredibly brave. This epiphany is what God has given you directly...and it affirms what we have suspected...that we were privileged and graced and honored to have Vienne with us for 4 1/2 years - that you and Mark were chosen, dear one, to be trusted with her here on earth, such complete joy. And now we are to take all that we have learned from her, to be mindful to put the love and trust that she had in her Savior into action in our lives. Our aching for her is so painful...we just want her back so very intensly. Yet I have to glory in that she is with her Jesus, her Creator, the One that knew her days (Psalm 139). And we WILL be reunited before we know it. I have to hold on to that...and our memories that can be so bitter sweet. They bring tears and joy. And we hold tightly to them and the Hope we have in Christ. I love you, my daughter.

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  3. Jenny,
    Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I admire you for persevering in faith and holding true to what you believe in. I am overwhelmed with joy in knowing that you are on a path towards finding some inner peace. "Against my will, I am carrying on," yes you are. You are strong woman my Dear Friend. We are all standing on the outside watching you carry on...and this brings us all strength. Again, thank you for your honesty and for sharing your heart as you process this inconceivable pain. Love you.

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    1. thank you, sweet friend. Inner peace will be a while yet...but this does give me a glimpse of the only acceptable answer that I could cling to.

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  4. What an authentic, comforting, wonderful answer you have been given. I am happy that you found a perspective that rings true to you. That your instincts can cling to as a reason. I know that anger and rage at God don't take you anywhere but deeper into grief, but it is a path you had to travel on. You are so right - what a priviledge you were given to be Vienne's mommy. What a blessing that you were worthy of this angel. She is lucky to have experienced life on this earth with you as her mom. Beautiful song too.

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    1. Thank you Lisa.
      Yes, I go back and forth between my rage against God and my rational instincts. It is a frustrating path to travel on.

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  6. Jenny,

    I have been waiting for the right moment to write to you and after reading this last post, it suddenly felt right. Although we have never spoken or met, I wanted to share with you my thoughts and I wanted to reach out to you. As you know, my little brother and I grew up with the Piscitelli's. I mean, we literally were together every weekend (almost every day during summers), every holiday, and almost every camping trip until the age of 9. My best childhood memories include Mark, David, Daniel, and Christy. Our mothers were inseparable. Then, one day everything changed, it was the day my father passed away. I have been following your blog ever since I received the horrible phone call from my mother about Vienne's death. I immediately started crying and my heart ached for you and Mark the second I heard the news. For me, it's personal. When someone I know experiences the death of a loved one, a family member, I immediately feel a connection to that person because I know the intense grief, anger, resentment, and fear that comes along with losing someone you love so much so soon. Tomorrow is my birthday and every year it is bittersweet for me, sadly. 26 years ago, on October 12, 1986, my father at the age of 41 died suddenly. Out. Of. Nowhere. One day he was giving me and my little brother tickle tortures and the next day he was gone. He was a healthy man who ran, cycled, and climbed Mt. Rainier and then he was taken from us. Everybody around us was in shock that he was gone at such a young age and everybody around us was touched by this man. He was such a loving and caring man that I now believe God had placed on this earth to save others. My mother used to say that he was so godly that he no longer belonged on this earth, that he was of no use to us any longer. He had served his purpose which was to shine the light of God so that others would know HIM. My father was a man after God's own heart, like David in the Bible. Hold onto what you believe Jenny and don't let go of it, ever. I believe that Vienne was the same, that she was created after God's own heart and was so pure and heavenly. She was sent to this earth to also shine the light of God so that others would not forget the one ultimate emotion that God created, which is love. Love. God created Love. This may sound ridiculous, but I believe that God chooses to send angels to earth for short periods of time in our earthly beings so that others on Earth will continue to know Him through the love that is shown. Now, as a mother myself to two daughters, I can only imagine that losing a daughter would be much more difficult to deal with than losing a father. But, I do remember feeling the intensity of wanting to feel my father hug me again or hear his sweet I love you's in my ear when he would come home late at night from work. I still miss him so much. He missed everything in my life. It still sometimes angers me but then I remember what I believe and it helps to keep me in my happy place. You may never get over the grief of your daughters passing but please don't forget what you believe, that Vienne was love and God is love and that will never EVER be forgotten. I wish I could have met her, but I am looking forward to the day when I get to :) I'm sure my dad will keep her company *tear* My prayers go out to your family daily Jenny, oh, and remember...something else that always seems to help me is that God will NEVER give you more than you can handle.

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    1. Ginger ~ I want to thank you for taking the time to write to me and share your heart. It means so much.
      The out of no where unexpected deaths are just horrific and feel so unfair.
      Please keep in contact. I appreciate all comments on here. They help me feel not so alone through this awful journey.
      Blessings to you.

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  7. Yes, that story WAS written about Vienne. Completely. Perfectly her.
    Reminding myself every minute, that everyday she was with us, was a complete and utter blessing. She is devine. She has changed my life. And so many others.

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  8. What an amazing gift that you stumbled upon on the internet! I thought of Vienne too as I read it.

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  9. beautiful.... I LOVE that you stumbled upon this story during a time when you are NOT praying... God shows His love in EVERY way. I LOVE how honest you are being with yourself... and us... it's amazing and healing will come. But you first have to walk through all you are feeling... You are an INCREDIBLE mom, amazing wife, and excellent writer. I'm so thankful the Lord moves even when we are pissed off at Him. I've been in this place - so angry all I could do is curse at Him... even then He listened. Even then He loves us. Keep walking this out. It's beautiful ... her life is honored and remembered by your honesty and love. Love you guys... becki and devon and crew

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