As I have pined and ached for my Vienne these past 5+ weeks, I have been grappling desperately for an answer. An answer to all of my incessant "WHYs?!!" Blaming myself is easy to fall prey to. Whenever I hear any new piece of information regarding her death, I find myself obsessing over how it was probably my fault and how I could've/should've done something differently. My inner dark side almost yearns to find a way to blame myself. But, that is so destructive. My head knows that. It is a downward spiral that could lead me to some very dark places.
As I've strongly mentioned before, I then turn to blaming God...for nothing else in this world makes sense. This was not an accident, this was not a consequence, this was not negligence. Every detail of her death just seems so unearthly orchestrated. It is becoming more and more clear to many of us that this most likely would've happened whether she was in the water or not. Being in the tub was a coincidence. It makes me sick to think that a child can die just so damn easily...but that seems to be the case here. And, yes, it is maddening. On so many levels. Raging against God is my quickest answer when my grief is intense.
But, this conflicts so much with everything I've ever known about God. One perspective has been presented to me: that, perhaps, "God really is not as in control as we think. That He severely limited His sovereignty at the moment of creation". Hm. This just does not sit well with me and it is something I will have to read more on, I suppose. But, in relation to my situation here, I am realizing that I do not like that perspective so much. I realize that if I cannot put the responsibility of this into God's hands....well, I don't like any other alternative. When presented with this thought that He possibly is not in as much control as we thought, I find myself filling with more fear. Even though I am angry, oh so angry at Him, in the same moment I think I want it to be Him who planned this...and no other source. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, I do know that God has ultimate good plans...beyond what we see in our limited views.
So, I have my own new perspective that I am growing more comfortable with. An answer that I am slowly starting to cling to that may help me get through this (not out of it...I will never be out of my grief for the loss of my daughter). I woke the other morning with a strange thought...that she had been raptured early. It nagged on my brain and heart all day. Maybe, just maybe, she was so good and pure and predominantly without flaw that God wanted to spare her from the hells of this harsh world. Maybe she didn't need to learn any "life lessons" like we all have to learn. She had all the essentials already. She had that deep wisdom and understanding of the simplicity of Christ's love and truth. And, she acted those things out in her short life. This does not mean that I'm not still angry about her being wrenched from my loving arms, but every time I think of this perspective I do feel less guilty and more like it was out of my hands and my control...and maybe...possibly...for a good purpose. ??
Many many people have made comments to me about how it seems that the good spirits do tend to generally die early. A pat answer. A simple platitude. But, it is something that I have been thinking heavily about and obsessing over "why?". So, of course, while playing on the computer, I went looking on the internet for theories (desperately grappling for answers...I know). I immediately came upon a hypothetical story that sent shivers down my spine and had me sobbing. It was written in answer to the question: "Why do some of the best die young?". The source happens to be a Jewish website. We believe in the same God...so after you read this, you will understand why the source is inconsequential. Here is the story (I did not change one word):
"A great debate once raged in heaven. It was over a most beautiful and precious new soul that God had created. The angels debated what should be done with this soul. One group of angels demanded that this soul remain in heaven. "She is too pure, too holy to face the ugliness of the lowly world," they said. "Who knows what will happen to her in a world of temptation and evil. This soul must stay with us here."
But the other group of angels said the exact opposite: "Indeed this soul glows with a unique divine glow. But for that very reason she must go down to earth. For imagine the beauty and goodness this soul can bring to a dark world. What good is there in keeping such a soul in heaven? Let her descend to earth and shine her light there."
And so they argued back and forth, each side unshakable in their view. Until it became clear that they could not resolve the issue themselves, they needed a Higher Authority. The case was brought before God Almighty. The angels stated their arguments before the heavenly court. God listened to the two opinions -the first group of angels arguing that this unspoiled soul is too holy to be plunged into the lowly world, the second countering that the world needs such souls more than anything.
And this was God's response:
"Indeed, it is sad to send such an immaculate soul into such a dark world. But this is My will. I only created darkness so souls like this one can transform darkness into light. The whole purpose of creation was that the lowly world be refined by the good deeds of mortal human beings. This cannot be achieved by souls in heaven. It can only be achieved through souls in bodies. And so even this most perfect and pure soul must descend to earth."
The first group of angels, who requested for the soul to remain in heaven, were disappointed. They couldn't fathom how such a spiritual being could be expected to survive such a physical world. God turned to them and said, "As for your request to keep this soul up here, I will grant it partially. Though she must leave us and go down to earth, it will not be long before she will return to us. Her sojourn on earth will be brief. Such a brilliant soul will not need long to fulfil her mission. Soon she will be free to come back to heaven."
Every day that she is on earth is a blessing. God then turned to the second group and asked, "Are you satisfied with that? Do you accept that this soul can only be on earth for a limited time?"
The angels replied, "Yes we do. Every day that she is on earth is a blessing.""
Was this not just written precisely about my little Girl??!!! The more I read it, the more I feel that I have been directed to the answers that I have been so frantically searching for. I am increasingly convinced that this story was written about Vienne. And, this I could live with. Yes, the pain of her gone is still soooo fresh and unbearable. Of course, I feel like I cannot live without her. But, the truth of it is....is that I am. It's been 5+ weeks and I am living. Against my will, I am carrying on. This perspective...this story, I believe though, is something that could progressively bring me peace. This perspective, as much as it pains me to be so mature to admit, makes me feel honored to have been chosen to be her mommy. I hate that she was taken from me. I Hate hate hate it. But, when I dwell on that hate, I fall more apart.
So. This is my answer. I believe that this was divinely given to me. I didn't even pray for it, for I have not prayed in 5 weeks. But, I was directed to this despite my rebellion against God. And, I do not want to be told anything else.
This is what I will believe. And this, I will strive to hold onto when I fall into my regular downward spirals of grief.
(my pure and holy angel Baby)
A beautiful and appropriate song by one of my favorite artists: