Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Habits hard to break

When you spend 4 1/2 years raising a child, you develop mindless habits concerning them...things you are not aware of that you do...until they are gone.

At night, before bed, I find myself tidying up my crochet projects, hiding any visible "treats", or putting anything away that I don't want Vienne to get into in the morning.

In the car, I've found myself quietly and "sneakily" trying open up a piece of Vienne wouldn't hear and ask for one.

I tiptoe downstairs and am careful not to bang around in the kitche at naptime...because Vienne slept with her door open.

At the grocery store I find myself mindlessly looking at different kinds of snacks that Vienne would've liked.

I fight the urge to hold my hand out when I cross a street.

I still look towards the bedroom doorway when I hear something in the middle of the night...a habit developed in response to midnight potty breaks or bad dreams.

I most often say "Vienne" when I'm talking about Ivy.  If I start to use the "stern" voice with Ivy, I typically start with "Vi...Ivy"...or even in addressing Ivy.  All the time.  Her name is just always on the tip of our tongues.

...these are just a few of the little things.   Small daily reminders that I had a beautiful little girl...and now I don't.

Today, I am more aware of these things than other days for today is the first time that I have stayed home all day, alone with Ivy.  No errands to run to distract me.  No visitors.  I need to practice having these days because this is going to be my new "normal".  It's just hard.  I sit in any room of this new house and Vienne is everywhere...yet, she is nowhere.

>here is a small video of myself and V when she was 2.  We are keeping ourselves occupied in a restaurant.  Someone mentioned that they don't see me in any of the videos...that's cuz I'm usually the one taking them.  I thought I'd include a rare one of the two of us.


  1. I don't believe in "new" or any normal since Vienne is gone. I don't think anything about her gone is normal. Heartbreaking and sad. I read your blog daily and I don't know you and I know this isn't normal...for you or anyone that knows you. My heart breaks for you and your family.

  2. My Mom uses the term "New Normal" all the time. I hurts me when she uses it because her "New Normal" is torturous as I am sure yours is too. Praying for you today.
    PS, Sunday at church our pastor was talking about the phrase so many Christian's love to use, the good ol "God only gives you what you can handle". I have always hated that saying, like what choice do we have? He said that it is phrased wrong, that it should be "allows" which still has some sting to it. You instantly popped in my thoughts and my heart breaks for you.