Saturday, October 6, 2012

Missing you more...

The missing you will never stop.  Ever.  It will never "get better" and I don't ever ever want it to.  I want to always feel this angst so that I can always feel you, remember you...miss you.

I miss how you would lay the yellow pillow on the floor next to your bed and request that we ask Jesus to sleep next to you, on it.  And, then you would also request that your largest dinosaur, Rexi, would stand next to that pillow and also guard you at night.  Why didn't they guard you better??

I miss how you would run to Ivy's side and quickly sing the "ABC's" to her when she was fussing.  The "ABC's" was your favorite song to sing.

I miss how you would find the letter V in every written thing.
(first time she wrote her name)

I miss how you would point to the hills on our drive to Grammy's and say "there's Dragon Mountain, Mama.  The dragons are sleeping up there".

I miss how you could make Ivy belly laugh.  She hasn't had a really good belly laugh ever since you've been gone, my sweet Girl.

I miss how you would ask Daddy to send me up after he tucked you into bed, because you wanted a hug from me.  Then I would lay down next to you and sing and we would just cuddle.  I loved whispering on the pillow with you.

I miss the little seeing if you could buckle your carseat before I put Ivy in on her side.

I miss being offered a sticker at New Seasons...and how you would always choose the red fire truck or a pirate.

I miss reading books with you at nap and bedtime!  Dinosaurumpus - a true favorite..."shake shake shudder near the sludgy old swamp, the dinosaurs are coming, get ready to ROMP!".  We also loved Give a Mouse a Cookie, The Gruffalo, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and soo soo many more.

I miss reading the Bible with you.  Those were stories you really paid attention to.  You loved learning about Jesus.  Just recently, you could define "baptism" and "disciple". 

I miss going to the library with you once a week.    You would run straight in to the kid's computer and play a Dora game, while I looked at the shelves nearby for a load of new books to take home at read at bedtime.  I love choosing new stories to read to you.  It was always something exciting to look forward to when we got home. 

I miss your "break dancing" moves.
(here she is saying "hi-YA!!")

I miss putting 2 carrots and 2 beans on your plate at dinner every night.

I miss finding pieces of tape stuck to surfaces all over the house.  Tape.  The cheapest "sticker" replacement.  You loved tape.  It could fix anything.

I miss coming downstairs every Saturday morning to find you and Daddy making pancakes.  I miss how Daddy used to form your pancakes into different objects each time...from alphabet letters to dinosaurs. 

I miss making you chocolate milk and chocolate smoothies.  I'm going to let you in on a little secret...your chocolate mix was really a chocolate flavored Green Food powder.  Little did you know, you were getting an organic salad in each of your smoothies.  ;)  (I promise to play the same trick on your sister)

I miss painting toes with you. 

My Sweet Darling, this is just the worst thing ever.  None of it will ever make sense to me.  No answer in all the world will ever satisfy my raging "WHYs???"

Most of all, my Vienne, I miss hearing my name...."Mama?"


  1. oh Jenny - thank you for sharing your heart with us. I'm crying as I read this. Of course you miss that beautiful name Mama. I'm so sorry for your pain and praying for you.

  2. sobbing with you Jenny, love you

  3. Yes, this has me sobbing. Thank you for sharing your beautiful, tender memories of your sweet girl. She is and always will be one of the most precious little things I've ever known.

  4. Just wanted you to know that I am here, in my house alone, sobbing my eyes out... just trying to imagine not hearing my name called out, 'Mama'. Oh friend... oh my friend. I'm sooo sorry. Of all the sweetest mothers and all the dearest daughters... why....