I fear that I have been misguided. I fear that my prayers were naive. I had no clue I was so naive.
When I entered into motherhood, I really fully believed, with utmost (naive) confidence, that if I surrendered my children to God and covered them with the power of prayer, regularly, that they would be protected. I believed this beyond a shadow of a doubt. I prayed this with authority. I would go into Vienne's room at night and ask God to send His angels to stand guard over the four corners of her bed. My biggest fear EVER on this earth has been of losing a child...but I never believed it would happen because I was so confident in my prayers over their safety.
Vienne, even, was so confident. She believed with such a beautiful unwavering faith. She would often make a bed, next to her bed on the floor, just for Jesus. She would ask me to ask Jesus to come and sleep next to her.
Jesus, why did you not protect my Baby????!!
Why did you betray me??
How am I ever supposed to pray with confidence over Ivy's safety now? Why the hell should I? What is the point of praying if you're still going to allow this kind of horror to happen? I don't know if I will ever be able to trust like that again. I have seen, now, that it doesn't work. The ultimate worst has happened.
I know I won't stop believing in You. But, my view of prayer and trust is forever altered.