Sunday, October 21, 2012

Our favorite spot


(oh my goodness, look how beautiful she is)

Smith Berry Barn.

This was our go-to family outing spot on a sunny afternoon in the summer over the last few years.  A darling berry picking farm with chickens and goats to feed, as well as a beautiful Barn store full of gourmet gift goodies.  We would go pick berries, grab a lunch, sit in the grass, and feed the goats.  Beautiful peaceful scenery out in the little town of Scholls, west of the Murray Hill area.  This was one of Vienne's absolutely most favorite places.  She would spend hours feeding those goats.  She would hunt the grasses for dandelions and clovers to feed to them.  She was so gentle and brave.  Of course.
I drive by this spot to visit one of my dearest friends.  It holds so many memories of joy and sunshine.  I hope that I will be able to go back and enjoy it with Ivy someday in the future.  But, definitely not for a long time.


(you can't tell, but she is wearing my nursing cover as an apron to protect her white shirt...why would I put her in a white shirt to go betty picking?! oops)


I so miss my life. I miss the joy, the laughter, the sunshine.

Here is a memory letter from my Mom to Vienne, centered around our sentiments for this Berry Barn~


I miss you so much, my sweet Vienne.  My heart literally aches with a pain pressure.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m having a heart attack it hurts so much…and I guess I am.  My heart is attacked with you – the joy of memories clashing with deep sorrow.  I think of you nearly every moment of the day.  Everywhere I turn, everywhere I go, you are a part of my day…memories everywhere.  I am thankful for memories.  I want to hold you, my love.  I want to hear you, see you at the top of the stairs when I come to your house, exclaiming, “GRAMMY!”  I relive moments that you would say my name with excitement and run into my arms and then act just a little bit shy.  I loved to tell you, “VN, you are my friend!”  And I meant it, truly.  You will always be my friend.  I can’t wait to play with you again.  I loved it when you would say “Grammy!  Let’s play!”  And we would.  And we will.

   Honey, do you remember the day we went to the Berry Farm in Scholls to feed the goats?  How I loved that day.  You ran all the way around the goat pen, to the back side, in search of more dandelion blossoms to feed the goats.  You came running back with your hand cupped….”Grammy!  Look what I found!”  And you uncurled your delicate little hand to reveal the tiniest little bird cupped in your palm.  A little tiny blue bird, made of, perhaps porcelain.  How you ever found that tiny thing in the tall grass, I do not know.  You always had this way with picking out the “tiny little things” – you were so delicate and careful.  This little bird was a treasure for you to find…a little gift, just for you.  And we took that little tweetie bird back to your house and that’s what consumed you for the rest of the day.  We made a little nest out of playdough for it, we put it to bed, we fed it.  You introduced it to your other friends – Tornado, Alice, and the others.  It is a day cemented in my memory forever with you.

    After you left us and mommy and daddy were going through your toys & I asked them if they had found that little blue tweetie bird, but they had not.  It was so tiny.  I was sad. 

    Then, about 2 weeks later, mommy was looking through your toy box and somehow…there it was!  She brought it home to me and I burst into tears at the sight of it!  Such a little thing…but such a huge and sweet memory for Grammy.  It sits on my kitchen window sill with 2 other birdies to keep it company.  I am so thankful that God brought that little bird back to me so that I can keep you close in that memory every day, my love, my enchantment, my darling girl. 












14 comments:

  1. My heart is heavy for you tonight. I know how much you miss your life... miss your joy. Your sweet family had such a sweet home, sweet life...such sweet babies. And I know, although you do still have Ivy, nothing on this earth can ever replace your amazing, sweet Vienne. These memories you have of your favorite spots, like this one, shouldn't be memories. They should be "now." I hate this for you. This picture of Vienne in your nursing cover is GORGEOUS. Just as she always was. Just perfect. Love you.

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  2. I can imagine the ache you feel for your old life. I don't want that life to be a memory but I pray that you will feel sunshine again one day. Love you friend.

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  3. Vienne WAS sunshine and smiles, bringing beauty with her wherever she went. My heart breaks with you as you remember these sweet times with her.

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  4. Jules and Jenny - thank you for letting us enter into your grief with you. This post was beautiful. I so glad you found the bird Julie. What a gift. I miss her too and I only met her once. Praying non-stop for all of you.

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  5. Like I mentioned on your FB comment about the berry barn, I go there weekly because I feel her there. Even as the leaves are turning, the pumpkins have replaced the berries and the fields are turning brown and dreary, it still breathes Vienne. I still feel her beautiful simplicity there. I find little trinkets, little flowers and the tiny honey sticks that my boys love to get there, and I feel Vienne in those things. My throat is all caught up with this post. I feel a mix of complete and utter devastation as well as gratitude that I have the berry barn within sight of my home. As though a piece of Vienne resides there. I feel as though the cherry tree I had just planted with visions of cherries for years to come, a place for birds to build their nest, had instead lost it's leaves and withered to the ground before I got to sit in it's shade. It just is so completely wrong. So unnatural. My heart is so confused. I keep looking for her. Thinking the next time I go to the Berry Barn, New Seasons, church... that she'll suddenly reappear. Sigh. I want so badly for that. Julie and Jenny... I am so very sorry that this is part of your story. So. So. So. sorry. thank you for sharing her with me for the time we did have....

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    1. I keep waiting for her to return, in some way, also. But then my rationale kicks in and I tell myself, in hateful bitterness, that she never will and I am foolish to keep looking. I hate these games my mind keeps playing.

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  6. I miss her, so much.
    I wish we could have gone to the Berry Farm with you. I know Vienne would have loved to show Elliott all around- show her how to pick the grass for the goats, and to be ever so careful picking the berries, and introduce her to honey sticks.

    She is such a beautiful girl.

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    1. Perhaps, one day, dearest Kinsey. I love you.

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  7. Sob, sob, sob...thanks for sharing the stories of Perfect Vienne and the gut wrenching honesty. This is so unfair and confusing.

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    1. I'm not sure who this is...but thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment.

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  8. Huge tears....what a beautiful memory from grammy. Love you all so. so. so. much. Praying daily.

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