I never knew that grief can make you feel kinda crazy. One week I'm depressed. The next week I'm angry. Another week I'm detached...
This week? This week I feel delusional. I realized halfway through this week that I think I have subconsciously stepped into a different mindset. I feel like I am living a fake life...living in this new house, taking care of just Ivy, keeping the house clean and tidy, going about little errands and chores...like I'm playing "house". Instead of avoiding pictures and videos, obviously, you can tell I've been pouring through them. Obsessively watching many each day. Without conscious intention, I've found that I am trying to keep her alive, in a way...with this delusional mindset that, perhaps, she is just gone, away on a trip. And, I am in waiting. And, as I wait, I play house with Ivy. Still, I don't cry...because I function best by staying detached from the truth. I can't go there. I have learned, now, how to control my mind for the most part...meaning, that I can almost stop the icky thoughts from finishing through. I will stop my head from going there and force myself to think about something else...the grocery list, what I'm doing tomorrow, a new blog post...etc.
Is this bad? Is this good? Hell, I don't know...but I'm functioning. I get out of bed. I take care of my baby Girl. I shower and dress and even do my hair. I keep the house clean. I am even starting to cook again.
But, I wonder when I'm going to break.
(age 2 1/2 ~ nursing in an apple orchard...HEAVEN.)
(right before 3rd Birthday - giving me birthday kisses)
(this doesn't even look like her...but she is still stunning with leftover lipstick from mama's kisses)
(that's my silly girl)
(last fall, age 3 1/2, picking' punkins)
(this last summer, age 4)