Isaiah 57: 1 & 2
OR another version says:
"The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.
Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." ~ NIV
What does this mean?? No, I mean seriously. This has been here in our Bibles this whole time and did we all not take notice? Does this mean that anyone who is righteous and pure is taken early? Or just the select few? The "special" (I say this with bitter distate)? So, when we have an extra special child who seems so unearthly pure, should we fear that they could just be taken early?! Hhmm? And, what does that mean...that all other children left here are not as special? That Ivy is not as special? That your children are not as special?
Sure, I know some of the "pat answers" to these questions...but I would love to hear a more in-depth perspective on these verses.
I don't know. These are just my irrational ramblings right now. I know these verses seem to echo the thoughts in my one post on "An Answer", but it still confuses and frustrates me. I know that I came to that "answer" as a tangible grasping for something to ease my angry frustrated mind. It is a nice story that I will look to when I am so distraught...but it is still just a story that I found on the internet. It does not make it all better. Sometimes, I will even go back and read that post and roll my eyes.
I am going through the so-called "phases of grief".
The anger has consumed me now. It is always just boiling right below the surface. Mark and I can "carry on" and look "normal" to you when you see us. Sure, we'll smile and even semi-laugh along...we'll attempt to ask how you're doing and so on and so forth. But this anger that we conceal is just still right there...ready to snap at any given moment. It is usually set off by stress, for me. Vienne is just always on our minds...and the anger comes from the unfair reality that she is not here anymore and that we have to live with this. And, that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Nothing. No amount of tears...no amount of pictures hung on the walls...no amount of blue and green that I will wear...nothing will bring her back. And, so I sometimes feel like Solomon, writing Ecclesiastes: "all is meaningless..."
I look at my Bible, on the shelf, and I feel betrayed.
I wish that I could be FULLY convinced that Vienne would've died no matter what choice I made that morning. Even though her death makes absolutley no sense, I still cannot stop thinking that I could've prevented this if I had just made a different choice. I have a very difficult time believing that she would've had a seizure and died even if she was just laying in her bed. If it really was a seizure...they can't prove that either. It is just the "story" that we tell to suffice for the time being. And they say she did not drown or that there was not enough water in her lungs to drown. Perhaps the water was inconsequential. So that means she died before she hit the water? I just have a very very difficult time believing that! How does an exceptionally healthy child just fall over and die?!
I stumbled upon a cause of death label called SUDC (sudden unexpected death in childhood) for mysterious deaths in children. There is even an organization for support and for research on it. But, as I read through most of the stories of accounted deaths, which all sound similar to each other, Vienne doesn't even fully fit into this category. SUDC is extremely extremely rare....far more rare than SIDS. It seems to happen in children between the ages of 1-3. In almost all the cases that I read about, the children had a mild fever and then died in their sleep with no known cause of death. Some were prone to febrile seizures (seizures related to a fever). Not one that I've found, just fell over and died while awake...and none that I can find over four years old. So, WTF?! Where do we fit in? We just have absolutely no one to relate to. But, this is definitely the closest I've come. Of course, we have not received the lab results yet from toxicology and blood tests...there could've been some virus or bacteria...I suppose. We're supposed to hear back this week. But, I'm afraid to hear anything back at this point. I'm afraid that if they found something, that I will find one more thing to blame myself for. Though, the medical examiner warned us that they will most likely not find anything and that we will most likely never have an answer. How f-'ed up is that? Hmm?
Obviously, my mind is full of ramblings today.
Often times, in public, I feel like I have suddenly lost a limb in a tragic accident. Perhaps my leg. Pales in comparison to losing my Vienne. But, it is the awkwardness that I compare it to. Everyone can see that I am missing the limb...everyone can see me trying to be brave as I limp along...and everyone wonders whether they should acknowledge it or pretend nothing is wrong. All the while, I limp and with every limp is searing pain. I will always limp for the rest of my life. The pain will grow numb over time, but it will always be there. I will never function like I used to...I will never look like I used to...I will never be the same.
I guess our life will always be bitter-sweet from now on. Bitter for the haunting death of our first born, though sweet for the precious life of our second born. Finding the balance between those two extremes and the strength to live in that balance will be our struggle for life.
These are my random thoughts right now.
I like to add a video to most of my random posts now. We have stumbled upon so many and I want to share them all.
(age 2 1/2)