Thank you for coming.
Thank you for being willing to come.
I know it's hard sometimes. I know it's not always pretty...not always "happy" around here.
I know it's hard to be around someone who is down.
I don't know if any of you realized this - but you have been welcomed into my private chambers, here. I have let you come in to sit on my couch with me and to pour through my private journal. I have let you cry with me. I have let you share my pain. I have let you glimpse into our world of suffering and attempts to find healing. I have let you laugh/cry with me over memories. I have let you get to know my Precious Vienne. I have shared her with you and I have shared my passionate love for her with you. I have let you grow to love her, too.
This is sacred to me.
I know that I didn't need to do this. I know that it is risky to share publicly. But, I am a person who does not expose my sad and hurt emotions very well. I am open and honest, for sure, but I really struggle with releasing my emotions when in person. I have a hard time letting go and crying. But, through this blog, I have learned that writing, for me, is very cathartic. This has become my outlet for "letting go" as well as my opportunity to share Vienne with you. This has become my place for "release" when I cannot cry in front of you, in person. If you are friends with me, most likely you have already told me how "strong" I am and how "brave" I have been through all of this. And, I agree with you, I suppose I have been. And, believe me, I am not offended by those comments either. They are encouraging when I do not feel so strong. But, on here, on my blog I let you in...inside to see how weak I feel, sometimes, deep inside. I am becoming vulnerable.
Why? Why do I share this publicly? Because I am "so strong" and "so put together" on the front. I am sure it is confusing when you see me. I will ask you how you're doing. I will smile and even laugh along. I will act "normal". I have explained this all before, I know. But, here, I feel comfortable sharing and, for some reason, it is comforting to me to know that I am not alone in the deep dark places of my heart. I understand it's not always an easy read. I understand that people may stop reading because they don't want to be depressed anymore. I get that. But, I am not here for you. I am writing for me...for it is helping me towards healing. It helps me to process. This is the place that I come to feel most connected to Vienne...whether I write a post about a memory of her or a post on what I am feeling for the moment. I know it is not always rational...but this is my processing. And, these are the steps that I need to take to find some sort of healing if I am to finish out this life without her. Strangely, it means so much to me when you comment or write to me or text. It makes me feel like you are willing to come alongside me during this difficult journey, to support me and remind me that I don't have to do this alone...even though it may be hard for you. It reminds me that you are not pushing me to "move on". It reminds me that Vienne is not forgotten.
I write all of this because I just received my first cruel comment/message in regards to this blog. I was told that I am failing at keeping Vienne alive through this blog but am now "succeeding to remind everyone that she is dead". This person, whom I do not know, literally tried to tell me how I should grieve appropriately. The "air" about it had a sense of trying to "fix" me and gave critical opinions. Honestly, I did not read past the first few sentences. It was a lengthy message. Those first few words cut to the core and I am beyond shocked at the inhumanity, selfishness, and cruelty of this person. First off, let me just clarify - my daughter is dead. And, I have to live in the nightmare of this every single day. I am not writing to create a "fantasy world" of keeping Vienne alive. If this blog is too hard for anyone to read...well, there is a no-brainer easy solution! STOP READING. Actually, if you have any inkling to critique or judge or raise a question, I am going to respectfully ask you to leave. That is not welcome here. This is not a place to leave your opinions. That is completely inappropriate and out of line. Especially if you have never lost a child. Most especially. You have NO idea what this feels like. It has not even been 3 months yet. I am just entering into the dreaded holidays. And, if anyone is familiar with grief from loss, then you know that the first year of all the events and holidays are the absolute hardest to get through. So, to be told this the day after I survived my first holiday without Vienne was beyond cruel and thoughtless. This is a place to come with solemn respect...to observe and mourn...to learn and love. That's it.
Like I wrote earlier, I have invited you into a sacred private place, here. Yes, I know that posting these things publicly does allow for the opportunity to receive thoughtless comments. I understand that risk. I guess I just never thought anyone would really step out to be so horrible. But, if it happens again, I will not read past the first few lines and I will immediately delete...so really it is not even worth it to make the effort to offend me so. And, even if the intent is not to offend me...but to "fix" me. Well, this is not the place to fix me and it is NO ONE'S right to even think that they should try! That is something that Mark and I will tackle in our own time, in our own way. Three months ago I lost one of my most precious gifts in all this world, my baby Girl, Vienne...we are still just reeling from this fact.
I will get to a place of healing at some point. I am sure of that. And, if you are a true friend and decide to stick with me through this, then you will probably get to witness that. But, no one has any right to try to rush me. Didn't I write about this before? Yes. I did. Remember when I had heard that the "public gives those who grieve just 3 months to mourn and then expects them to move on"? Well, here's my first experience with that...I just never expected it to be so thoughtless and cruel.
To my friends and those who comment on here anonymously, sharing your broken heart for me and your love, continuing to read and walk alongside me, even through the hard posts, ~ I sincerely sincerely thank you. Thank you for sharing your love for it truly does help.